Wardrobe Malfunction

After yesterday's piece it is with reluctance that I deal with the subject of wardrobe malfunction lest you think I'm obsessed with seeing things one shouldn't when clothes mishave. It's entirely coincidental and you'll believe me when you see today's piece of doggerel in which a wardrobe plays a small part. If you (like me only moments ago) think a wardrobe malfunction is the door hanging off or Basil Fawlty using it to hide from the psyciatrists have a quick look at this

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0apAF7GXPz4#

I don't recall Judy Finnigan's bra flash being described as a wardrobe malfunction and having just googled I now know why. The phrase 'wardrobe malfunction' was coined after Janet Jackson's bosom was accidentally bared during her 2004 Super Bowl half-time performance alongside Justin Timberlake whereas Judy's mild embarrassment was at the 2000 National Television Awards. Anyway wardrobe malfunction has now made it into some Dictionaries, viz

a euphemistic term for an embarrassing display of a body part when clothing droops, falls, or is torn
Etymology: 2004 Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English.

Here's today's poem

Mother returned from 2 days away

Her little boy greeted her by saying,

"Mummy, guess what? Yesterday,
I was in your wardrobe, playing
Daddy came in with the lady next door

And their clothes started to drop

And they lay undressed on the bed

And then daddy climbed on top ..."
Mother held up her hand.

"Not another word. That story's bad

Exactly what you've just told me.

I want you to tell to Dad"
As Dad walked into the house,

His wife said, "I'm off. I'm packed already, see? "

"But why--" asked the startled father.

" Sonny. Tell him what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your wardrobe

And daddy came in with the lady next door

And they got undressed

And all their clothes were on the floor
And they got up on the bed

And then they did that thing

That you did with Uncle John

When daddy was away, last Spring."

© Jon Bratton 2007

(based on a joke by Author Unknown)

Since 2004 a whole new genre of videos has been spawned. Google the phrase 'wardrobe malfunctions' and you'll see thousands or for still photos, with the offending nipple blacked out per the picture above, go here

http://www.celebguru.org/entry/top-20-craziest-wardrobe-malfunctions-of-all-time/

Me? I'm off to IKEA. I need to have a word with someone in the complaints department

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Funny Short Skits

Short skits, particularly funny short skits is a surprise frequent search but it is, unsurprisingly, beaten by short skirts given that no matter what innocent word you're searching for there are always phrases containing that word in the range from naughty to sickeningly depraved, but let's stay at the naughty end, if you'll forgive the expression.

The Americans have a word, which I've forgotten, for videos showing a glimse of underwear, or not!! when TV presenters et al are wearing short shirts. Fox News must specialise in having short skirted presenters, presumably female, because I recall seeing several Fox News clips while doing my "research". I don't know now what led me there but it was neither skits nor skirts

Anyway, I have a rhyme which I thought would help those school children and scouts, for it is they who seem to have a need for short skits scripts....easy for me to say.

So here goes

The Princess and the Frog.

This is also the name of a Disney movie starring
Anika Noni Rose Oprah Winfrey Keith David Jenifer Lewis John Goodman Bruno Campos

Once upon a time, in a land far away,

While resting from her morning jog

A beautiful, self-assured princess

Happened upon a frog

She was contemplating ecological issues

On the shores of an unpolluted pond

In a verdant meadow near her castle.

Of which she was very fond

The frog hopped into her lap

"Elegant Lady, I'm a handsome prince,

An evil witch cast a spell on me.

I've been amphibious ever since..

One kiss from you, however,

And I'll be like the new James Bond, but blonder

And then, my sweet, we can marry

And live in your castle yonder..

...With my mother,

Where you can prepare our meals and such

Clean our clothes, bear my children,

And be grateful ever so much".

That night the princess dined on lightly sautéed frogs legs

On the table, were the remains of her Beau

And chuckling to herself she said:

"I don't flippng think so".

© Jon Bratton 2007

(but based on a joke, by Author Unknown)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kx-4Llb56Y4

Go to that link if you want to see a very funny upskirt (that was the word I forgot earlier) video involving a short skirt...and a ladder

It's a bit of a slog, writing a blog without feedback. I'd be made up if, before you made off, you made a comment

Free Poems about Grandma

Free Poems about Grandma

Free poems about grandma is the most popular search term in relation to grandmas and poems and yet none of the websites on the first results page of the main search engines use that in the URL. For those unfamiliar, I mean the bit after the dot com forward slash which carries the title of the page. Here's the title of this page.

http://poetry-verses.blogspot.com/2008/12/free-poems-about-grandma.html

Since this is the only website (curently) doing that, and other things, like using but not over using, the keywords it is likely that this will be on page one of the search results within a month. I'll report back on that

Getting to the top of the search engines is about relevance so I had better shut up about search engine optimisation and actually deliver what the title promises. So the first grandma poem is coming up

Free poems about grandma starts with this one

Three Wishes, Granny

An old lady is rocking on her porch

Chewing baccy and drinking beers

While reflecting on her life,

A fairy godmother appears
And says she can have three wishes.

Says the old lady," if I may be so bold

I'd like to be really stinking rich."

***POOF****

Her chair turns to solid gold.

She says, I'd like to be young again

And pretty ,with poise, finesse

***POOF***

In less than it takes to blink an eye

She's a beautiful princess

While considering her third wish

The old woman's cat wanders in

Ooh...can you change him into a prince?"

All handsome tall and thin

***POOF***

There before her stands an Adonis

Where once was her kitten

More handsome than she could have imagined.

She stares, all coy and... smitten
With a smile that makes her knees weak.

And with breath, decidedly baited

He whispers "Now I bet you're regretting

You had me neutered... snipped...castrated!!

© Jon Bratton 2007

(based on a joke by Author Unknown)

This grandma poem I didn't write. As far as I know it's Author Unknown

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't fast

Grandma used to rock and knit
Crochet tat and baby-sit

When the kids were in a jam
They could always count on Gram

In the age of gracious living
Grandma was the gal for giving

Grandma now is in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's out touring with the bunch
Taking clients out to lunch.

Driving north to ski or curl
All her days are in a whirl.

Nothing seems to stop or block her
Now that Grandma's off her rocker

The image of the rocker at the top of this blog is from a website that has more free poems about grandma

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It's a bit of a slog, writing a blog without feedback. I'd be made up if, before you made off, you made a comment
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Full Bodied with a Bouquet All Her Own

During my expat days it was not possible to buy imbibing liquids but it was possible to distill, brew and ferment. Having made product, it is in the nature of man to share and to compete and we had several Fests and Festivals throughout the year. At one such Festival each competitor was invited to extol the virtues of his/her product and this was my extolment

You are welcome to use all or some of these verses for non commercial purposes


Hoose of Geordie Wine

What can ah tell yer aboot me wine
Ah suppose ah could tell yer it’s just fine
That it beats aall the rest
Cos it’s British at its best
From the vineyards in the Valley of the Tyne



It’s so good it meks them Froggies jealous
Cos when it comes to wine they can be ower zealous
Wint yer tell us how te forge
Votre Chateau de George
Votre secret vous must tell us



Hadaway, says I, vous’ll niver larn from me
Diven’t ask cos vous’ll niver get a oui
Whey they analyzed me wines
And tuk cuttings from me vines
But sacre bleu, they cudn’t trouve the key



Whey the key, ye see, isn’t in the way the grapes are grown
It’s how they’re aall squashed up in a geet big vat of stone
Trodded doon by Big Sally
The best squasher in the Valley
She’s full bodied with a bouquet aall her own

Big Sally at work

Aah cud ta’alk aall neet wi zeal and zest
Aboot me wine that’s undoubtedly the best
But me marketing technique
Is to stand here and speak
Aboot the crap that comprises aall the rest



Chateau Wales reminds me of the liquid that
Yer find on yer windscreen where the flies are aall squashed flat
Ah suppose it is quite drinkable
But to me it’s just unthinkable
And ah wadn’t even give it to wor cat
(And ah hate wor cat)



Chateau Scotland am telt was made last June
By some wifies roond a cauldron neath the moon
Still yer might think it’s the trumps
If yer spit oot aall the lumps
And yer use something canny to wash it doon



Have yer tasted the Southern Softie stuff, it’s the pits
It’s full o’ floaters and other chewy bits
Tho’ it’s nee gud as a drink
It’ll clean yer bog and sink
And it’s great for getting rid of aall yer zits



The Yorkshire wine is a rather putrid sight
The makers claim it’s a cheeky little white
In their advertising blurb
They say it is superb
But te me that’s aall a load of …verbiage



Anyhoo since Hoose of Geordie is undootedly the best
There’s nee point in me just slaggin aall the rest
So bonny lads and canny hinnies, Mesdames et Messieurs
Vous etres obviously connoisseurs
Who can recognise the ultimate test



What yer need is a wine that is suited
For just getting totally newted
Or at a do such as this
Just quietly nissed
Hoose of Geordie, it’s the best, nee doot aboot it

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It's a bit of a slog, writing a blog without feedback. I'd be made up if, before you made off, you made a comment
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A Kissogram with Attitude

Free 21st Birthday Speeches

(Yes, you've guessed it, it's a popular but subnormally competitive search term)

Links to Free 21st birthday speeches or for any milestone or special birthday are provided below

This kissogram with attitude is for a female’s birthday and is more a performance than a speech, involving more than one male. It was written for a specific person but hey one liberal, fun loving, beer swilling, boob flashing, phallic food giggling, saucy humoured floozy is much like any other so here goes.

A kissogram’s a half naked floozy

But hey lets not be choosy

Tho’ we’re not quite right

We have come here tonight

As a Gang Bangagram (for Susi) (for you, see)(don’t feel woozy)

Remember when you’d had a few beers

In drink, you conquered your fears

While pissed on the beach

You slipped right out of reach

It’s on film, it would bring you to tears

You swim in the pool and the seas

Thro’ the water you glide with such ease

When you come up for air

You should take much more care

You’ve been known to pop out of these

You caused quite a stir, so we hear

At the Browne’s house, sometime last year

You had them in fits

By baring your bits

And we missed them, we’d gone home oh dear

On your bike you make like a tank

No respector of race, creed or rank

You’ve left many poor guys

With tears in their eyes

And their best bits impaled on your crank

free 21st birthday speeches

You can’t eat a sausage that’s thick
Or anything else that’s phallic
A banana as well
Makes you giggle like hell
You’ll have trouble with this spotted dick

At racquet sports you’re known to enthuse
Be it shuttle or ball, as you choose
You do the splits on the floor
Then jump up for more
Not for us, we’ve got much more to lose

We hope that you’re not offended
If you are, blame Hugh cos he penned it
We’re a Gang Bangagram
And we don’t give a damn
Brace yourself cos our song is now ended

Don’t cower there in a huddle

Don’t get yourself all in a muddle
It’s just our jolly jape
We’re not planning on rape
All we want is a kiss and a cuddle

This was written primarily by Hugh Douglas with imput from me

For more free 21st birthday speeches material for females or here for males

Roy Keane Quits

Roy Keane has left Sunderland AFC saying he has taken the club as far as he can and he's bored. International Midfielder Carlos Akenhaton Edwards said "We just have to get our heads down and continue to start winning games" Carlos Akenhaton sounds as sick as a parrot doesn't he?

You can be certain that Roy will not be quitting football. He's bright and passionate and life after football will be too dull for him. Roy, ring up Alan Shearer and form a double act... a dream team. Alan has played golf and punditted for too long and together you would be formidable. Utter twaddle..you would clash

I've had a better idea.
Paul McCartney ring up Bernie Taupin and write Ireland's Eurovision song contest entry to compete against the UK's Lord Lloyd Webber composition and Elton write a tune to lyrics by Rogers of Rogers and Hammerstein fame and create Holland's entry. Oh and Bob Geldof and Midge Ure write a catchy jingle and get all your pop star mates to sing it, oh and include Svetlana Raznatovic, Kristina Kovac, Jelena Jevremovic and Sanja Stojanovic and others whose surnames end in vic or vac as backing singers and do it for Portugal which is the country with the longest history in the Contest without a win...41 attempts.

Oh and Bob, write it in the Српскохрватски језик language
Now we're talking dream team.

Poetry on Tap

Poetry on tap is coming but first have a look and listen to Over the Rainbow by Patti Labelle and the Bluebelles

Now contrast it with this version of Over the Rainbow by Patti Labelle without the Bluebelles. Bring back the Bluebelles I say.

If you want more, here's more links but I wouldn't bother unless you want to see Patti's different hairstyles

over rainbow patti labelle bluebelles 1

over rainbow patti labelle bluebelles 2

over rainbow patti labelle bluebelles 3

During my expat days I dressed up in womens clothing more often than I thought I would but people kept asking me to do it. One such ask was to host the finale of a childrens tap dancing school show...in which Over the Rainbow featured...a tenuous link, I know, between this subject which is well searched and little accomodated and my script as a dance show compere.

The kids had been told someone very special was going to appear and the rumour quickly spread that it was Roy Castle
So as not to disappoint I dressed up in womens clothes, with balloons up me frock and two pins in me hands and walked out after the finale to speak to the audience which exclusively comprised the kids parents and siblings

Resplendent in a dress I delivered this address

Get off, get off, you horrible lot
Now it's my chance
Do you know Moms, Mums and Dads they wouldn't let me sing
And they wouldn't let me dance

I'm very good at dancing you know
And I'm ever so keen
But they wouldn't let me
Cos they're soooo mean

It's cos they're jealous, I'm more mature
I've got things in me vest
I'm a sophisticated lady
( balloons popped)

O'er what's happened to me chest?

Anyway, even if I wasn't in the show
I don't care
Cos I thought the show was horrible
So there

F'instance, two girls that were really hopeless
I'm very glad to say
Were Linda and Karla
In Anchors Away
Come on down girls and take your bow
Of course I was bored
Moms, Mums and Dads, if you thought they were really boring
Don't applaud

The next bit was even worser
With all them silly Gene Kellys
If you were singing in the rain
You should have worn your wellies
Getting wet were Mary, Jemima, Julia
Abigail, Susie and Danielle
Laura, Liza and Catherine S

Oh and Sarah B as well
Come on down girls and take your bow
Your dancing was like the weather
Moms, Mums and Dads, if you thought they were a load of drips
Don't put your hands together

Bye Bye Blues was next
That put me in a rotten mood
Two girls who couldn't dance for toffy
Were Sarah and Christine Oud

Come on down girls and take your bow
Your dancing should be banned
Moms, Mums and Dads, if you thought they were rotten
Don't give them a hand

Shiela N did it again in Desdemona
I could have done it betterer than you
Moms, Mums and Dads if you didn't like her jazz
Give her a nice loud Boo

Clara B and Pam C's dancing
Made me shed a tear
They ought to be somewhere Over the Raindow
Anywhere but here
Come on down Clara and Pam and take your bow
Your dancing give the chance for a nap
Moms, Mums and Dads if you thought Clara and Pam were hopeless
Don't give them a clap

42nd Street was rotten
And I hated St Louis Blues
And Julia S and Laura B had no rythm
They should have worn tap shoes

It Don't Mean a Thing featured Catherine

What an awful sight to see
It was a good title though
Cos it didn'y mean a thing to me
Come on down Catherine, take your bow
Your dancing never got off the ground
Moms, Mums and Dads, if you thought Catherine was yukky
Don't make a clapping sound

All the boys wouldn't let me dance as well
Now it's my turn to get even

With Jack, Joseph, Sam and Niell
Darren and Harry and Stephen
Come on down boys and take your bow
Do you know, you've all got knobbly knees
Moms, Mums and Dads, if you thought New York, New York was horrible
No clapping if you please

Well, I've got to admit the Moms, Mums and Dads like you
But just you wait and see
Moms, Mums and Dads show them all
What you think of me

Oh I think I've got it all wrong
I think I'm beginning to see
If I am nice to all of you
Will you be nice to me?

Oh look there's still four little ones left
These four did ever so well
Moms, Mums and Dads, please give a hand to
Jemima, Christine, Judie and Christabel

I hope you all forgive me
For being rude, I'm sorry

Now it's time for all of us to say

Hip, Hip, Hooray for Dorry

Come on Dorry

On behalf of all the children

And all the parents too
You gave us such a lovely show
We've got some things for you

Where's the flower arrangement
And bring the pressie in
These are for you from all of us
Everyone chipped in
Dorry you did a marvelous job
It was a really super show
Moms, Mums, Dads, Boys and Girls
Let's hear it for the Maestro

Now I don't want to harp on but Patti Labelle deserves another chance. Click on the link and listen to her all the way through and I think like me you'll become a fan