Dual Porpoise Cards

I am de-clogging the loft ahead of me developing geriatric tendencies and I came across an old product I produced when working with artist Jim Harker,  an old school friend. It was a card back to attach to a fine art print to make it into a greeting card. There was a range of sensible sentiments and then there was this one. It is in the Geordie lingo so see what you make of it

Aa was ganna send ye a pictia
Of some gadgie in the toon

Staggerin' and caallin' for Hughie

Havin' supped several Broon

Fower pints of Fed

And a Courage (by mistake)

Followed by two kebabs and a vindaloo

And some chips in stotty cake

Such a technocolour yawn

Wi' diced carrots in the mixture

Ah think ye'll agree

Would mek a colourful pictia

But that up on yer loonge waall

Wadn't mek ye ower keen

And it's a canny bit more nicer

To hev a propa local scene

I'm not sure this will mean anything to anyone but at least it's preserved for posterity. Any remaining card backs and much else of my past are now in the bin. It is very cathartic this loft de-clogging

Jon Bratton 
© 2013

Oh Canada

Here's a poem wot I wrote for my Canadian rellies

Dressed in boots, parka, scarf and mittens 
Are a couple at an airport in Arkansas
An old couple standing nearby 
Were intrigued by the clothes they wore

I wonder where they’re from?" says the wife
Her hubby says “I dunno!
Why don’t you ask them
If you really want to know”

She walks over to the couple and asks
They say "Saskatchewan... Saskatoon"
She returns to her husband and says
"They don't speak English, so it could be the moon"

Jon Bratton 2013

Poem About Heef or is it Borse?

Inspired by all the horse puns in Twitterland and even on the Beeb News I have written this ditty

With unbridled hunger I eat like a horse

Usually at lunchtime, in truth

There's no time at all for horsing around

I have to eat on the hoof

By a short head, Tescos was my favourite

Furlong enough I thought them sound

Notwithstanding that in their bar codes

Some traces of Zebra were found

My stable diet is burgers and lasagne

Findus are as good as they come

I race for them past the granulated shergar bags

Horse d'oeuvres, l'escago and red rum

"They're Off" All the burgers from the shelves

Tesco have cleared the processed food place

I heard it on the BBC Mane News

But hay! Why have a long face?

My Lidl's pony and Aldi's uni quorn

Are a good energy source

I'm no longer saddled with Tescos

With a lidl swerve, I've aldi'd course

So food producers, get your act together

You'd better start keeping it real

For goodness sake whatever next

You'll be expecting us Brits to eat veal!

Jon Bratton © 2013

Very Cold Poem

My partner inspired me to write this little ditty

Marg's fave expression is "Cold, Toldy, Wold"
Whenever there's a temperature drop
I tell her to conserve energy
"Just say cold, Marg... full stop
But if you must add something
This is what I'm betting
You'll feel better if you say cold
Preceded by the adjective 'effing'"

Jon Bratton 2012

Definition of Assonance

Ever since 1983 when I saw the movie Educating Rita, my all time favorite film, I've been curious about the definition of Assonance. It didn't help that Michael Caine's character Prof Bryant in giving an example of assonance actually used a consonance. Nor did Julie Walter's character Rita help when she said assonance means "getting the rhyme wrong".

 You're probably thinking that I should get a life but to be fair I saw the movie 30 years ago and only this morning have I really tried to understand assonance. A few years back I read Stephen Fry's book An Ode Less Travelled and he covered partial rhymes, including assonance but I read it fueled by wine. I will read it again sober. Is it worth a read? you ask. Absolutely.  I couldn't fail to discourage you less.
As some will know I'm a rhymester rather than a poet but I have covered poetic devices before...

here 

According to Wikipedia "Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds to create internal rhyming within phrases or sentences, and together with alliteration and ^consonance serves as one of the building blocks of verse. For example, in the phrase "Do you like blue?", the /uː/ ("o"/"ou"/"ue" sound) is repeated within the sentence and is assonant." A fuller example could be "Do you use blue hue, too?"

After several hours pootling around the internet I now understand it, and like it. Here's some easy to understand examples



"It beats . . . as it sweeps . . . as it cleans!"  slogan for Hoover vacuum cleaners

 **
She's ferocious
And she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
(Lyrics to 'Bette Davis Eyes')

**
 "I must confess that in my quest I felt depressed and restless."
(Thin Lizzy, "With Love")

**

”West Beast East Beast” by Dr. Seuss
Upon an island hard to reach,
The East Beast sits upon his beach.
Upon the west beach sits the West Beast.
Each beach beast thinks he's the best beast.
Which beast is best?...Well, I thought at first,
That the East was best and the West was worst.
Then I looked again from the west to the east
And I liked the beast on the east beach least.

I've even written my own example, which goes

Why am I inclined to blink my eye?
Why does champagne make me squawk?
"It's bolliphobia" said QI's Fry
You fear the popping cork
(Jon Bratton 2012)

(I made up bolliphobia because until now there hasn't been a word for what is a common fear because there are about 2 dozen cork popping fatalities a year..it's more common than spider bites and that fear has always had its own name)

By the way, my favorite TV show is QI and my favorite celebrity is Stephen Fry so I'm hoping that one day Stephen will raise the subject of bolliphobia because it is Quite Interesting

Anyhoo, that's the  definition of assonance  for you

Funny Sex Poems

Pic

Doing market research for the Vaseline Company


A man knocked at the door

A woman, with three small children, answered

He asked “Have you used Vaseline before?”

“Yes” she said “We use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what for?”

“We always use it for sex,” she said.

As she went to close the door

The researcher was a little taken aback. 

“People lie and say they use it after a child’s fall

Or for chapped lips or to lube a bicycle chain

But we know it’s used for sex, by almost all

 I admire your honesty and since you’ve been so frank 

Can you tell me exactly HOW you use it during a sex bout?”

She said, “My husband and I put it on the doorknob 

It helps to keep the kids out.”

Jon Bratton © 2012
(inspired by a joke by unknown author)

More 

Funny Sex Poems

Sexy Poem

Here's a sexy poem, wot I wrote

When a rancher died, his widow 


Was determined to make the ranch pay


There were two applicants for hired hand 


One a drunk, the other, gay

She hired the gay and was delighted


He was conscientious and worked like hell


And being very skilled, after a few short weeks


The ranch was doing well



 

The widow suggested her hired hand


Should have a night in town


When he returned the widow was relaxing


Wine glass in hand and hair let down

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she said.
"Now take off my boots. and now my socks,
And place them on my bed.”


"Now take off my skirt." slowly he unbuttoned it,
"Now my bra." It was low cut and wired
He was trembling,  as the widow barked

"If you wear my clothes again,  you're fired!"

 

 

What were you thinking? He was gay!

More Sexy Poems

Funny Rhyming Poem

Old Dot said to her best pal Edna
“George has asked me out, you know
You went on a date with him last week,
So should I agree to go?”

Well, said Ed “He arrived promptly

He looked liked a gentleman, so tall
He brought flowers, and outside was a limo
Uniformed chauffeur and all.

We had dinner at a fancy restaurant
You should have seen the champers flow
He complimented me on my new evening dress
Then he took me off to a show.

On the way back, he ripped off my new dress
Three times, he made the limousine rock”
“So, I’ll not go?" said Dot, “Yes, go” said her friend
"Just be sure to wear an old frock"

Jon Bratton  © 2012
 

Valentine Poems They're Not

If you google ...washington post rhyme competition ... you'll get loads of websites telling you about a competition that the Washington Post ran a few years back and you'll see the 11 entries that get quoted on websites and in those emails that keep circulating round. Basically the competition was to come up with a very romantic first line and a very unromantic second line
I don't want to quote any of the entries here because Google will think this is just another 'me too' so here to illustrate is one that I just made up

I look into your eyes and see a love that’s true


Her name is Veronica. She’s why I’m leaving you

You get the idea. Try it yourself, it's fun. Anyway I got to thinking, could I do the same, but using first lines from William Shakespeare...who is more romantic than the Bard himself?

Here's what I came up with...forgive the slightly colourful language, which I use only in a way that Big Willy himself might have done

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?


Last Tuesday, for instance, wet, windy, cloudy and grey

Who taught thee how to make me love thee more
?

Sack him, for he’s failed miserably, that’s for sure

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,


With the emphasis on sweet...I’m leaving you tomorrow

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks 


Your morning face gives me the colliwobble shakes

If I could write the beauty of your eyes 


I’d just be telling whopping lies

Your eyes are lode-stars; and your tongue's sweet air


But your breath stinks and you’re shaped like a pear

The sweet silent hours of marriage joys


Are ruined by the noise of your vibrating toys

You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings,


And piss off, I’ve packed all your things

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo
?

I’m offsky with a wrangler from the rodeo

(Groan...you try rhyming with Romeo!)

Valentine Poems they're not! 

But will they make it on to one of those circulating email thingys?






New Poem Blog

 Aren't I a blast from the past? I haven't posted for yonkers and I spend most of my time nowadays trying to regain my main website's position with Google...it is my main form of retirement income and I have been absolutely slaughtered in the past 12 months or so, with my income slashed to about one eighth of what it was 2 years ago.
Anyway, whinge over but I'm sure these words will strike a chord with many bloggers who may well have suffered similarly. I'd welcome comments from any bloggers and website publishers and I'd really be interested if there are any gainers. If there are losers, and many of my friends are losers there must be gainers out there, right?

I'm posting mainly to find out how the supposedly better format of blogger works. I must be getting grumpy because I no longer embrace change.

Anyway, my partner, who writes poems, under the name of margmax, and publishes them on

www.getwellversed.com 

has decided to create a blog. She is currently working on it...it's not yet been published but here's the heads up...you'll find it on

 www.margmax.blogspot.com

Do check it out and perhaps welcome her. She is a card maker and I know how you card makers stick together and support each other. As for me, I'm tuckered out...blog writing is strenuous so I'm off to do something altogether less tiring... 18 holes of golf. Fore!!

Mother Days Poems

Mother Days Poems as a title may seem flawed but searchers are flawed so I'm going with the flaw.

I bring you a poem in two languages, English UK and English USA and also, in rhyme, I take the time, to explain what determines the dates of Mother Days

Many Countries adopt Mothers Day, per USA
On the second Sunday, in the month of May
But not so, in Ireland and the UK

Mothering Sunday there, is always spent
On the fourth Sunday after the start of Lent
So why, you ask, does Lent move around?
Because Easter need good light on the ground
It's to do with a full moon in the sky
Good light for walking is the reason why
Pilgrims to the holy lands walked at night
They relied heavily on good moon light
So the holy day (Easter Sunday) follows the moon
It's always in the Spring, but can be late or soon

This year, 2011, Mothering Sunday is very late
Sunday April 3rd is precisely the date
So I bring you now a poem for Mother's Day
Is it original? I hear you say. Or nick it, as is oft your way?
I adapted it, well, that's my excuse
But I've made it perfect for Mick and Brit use

So here goes, with the adapted one of the Mother Days Poems

For all the nappies that you've changed.
For all the play dates you've arranged.

For all the trips back and forth to school
For mopping up gallons of vomit and drool.

For putting up with all that swill
You should have all of March..and a bit of April.

One day is just not enough... and yet
I'm sorry, pet, but that's all you get

So spend your special Sunday, April Three
Happily, and very work-free

Because Google will bring this page to the residents of USA, as well as:-

Anguilla Aruba Australia Austria Bahamas Barbados Bangladesh Belgium Belize Bermuda Bonaire Brazil Canada Chile China Colombia Cuba Croatia

Curaçao Czech Republic Denmark Ecuador Estonia Finland Germany Greece Grenada Honduras Hong Kong Iceland Italy Jamaica Japan Latvia Malta

Malaysia Netherlands New Zealand Peru Philippines Puerto Rico Singapore Slovakia South Africa Suriname Switzerland Taiwan Trinidad and Tobago Turkey Uruguay Venezuela Zimbabwe

here's the original of the Mother Days poems

For all the diapers
that you changed.
For all the play dates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school
for cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day.
You could have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

*

So there you have it, Mother Days Poems
For Brits, Yanks and Poms
I hope you enjoy
Should you need it, here's moy

Mother Days Poems or Quotes

Royal Wedding Poem

This Royal Wedding Poem is a departure for me because, as you regular readers know, I am a search engine tart, that's to say if people around the World aren't searching for such a subject, in huge numbers, then I ain't writing about it.
And yet here am I doing that very thing...because, shame on Britain, they are not searching in significant numbers. Wills and Kate getting married...Diana's eldest son...Going to be King!!!!...wake up Britain

( I'm required to say again Royal Wedding Poem. I'll probably do it again before this post is done. I'll be guided by Google who will eventually rule the Universe


A nice lady found me on Facebook... and asked if I still did personalised poems, which I don't BUT I admired that she tracked me down, it was at a time when I must have been lusting (but didn't know I was) to write in response to personal details and to cut a long story long I agreed to write something for her, for nothing,..and here for you is what I didn't write. What I did write is between me and her and I told her I would publish what I wrote but does she want it blurted out this soon. Probably not, so stay stum
This is on the lines of what I did write...but altered to protect privacy. If you are a best man or a father of the bride or the groom or a best woman for a wedding taking place on 29th April 2011, deliberately, or coincidentally, chosen to coincide with Will's and Kate's wedding, you are welcome to use this material... but, for God's sake, just don't be involved in a Wiltshire wedding
Here's, the generic version of what I wrote

The Westminster Pair and our (Ealing) (chavs and slappers)
Have in common, quite a lot
Three of them’s quite common
And one of them is not

One has special breeding
And boy does it show
Today (Vera) is the princess
But then I’m biased, don’t you know

As (Vera)’s old time friend, I’m Best Woman
I’m nervous, it’s my first time
(At making a speech, you naughty people)
So I’m reading out my little speech
And I’m doing it in rhyme


I’m calling for audience participation
Especially from the drunks out there
When you hear an obvious repeat line (I’ll give you a clue) Emphasise the ‘ate’ sound
Perhaps you’ll give a little cheer

Or, if you’re really, really up for it
Even better, it would certainly be
If you would anticipate, and recite, the line
Right along with me

( I'm required to say again Royal Wedding Poem. I know not why but I'll probably do it again before this post is done. I'll be guided by Google who will eventually rule the Universe

So, here goes:-



Today's a very special day
Isn’t Britain Great?
We've all been given the day off
And… all the pubs are open late (cheers)

For today’s (handsome) (alcoholic) Groom, (Jack),
It’s a double celebration date
His wedding’s good but what floats his boat
Is that… the pubs are open late (cheers)

The whole Country's gone ballistic
There's bunting everywhere
There's gun salutes and cheering
Which is surprising for a (Liverpudlian) pair

Everyone is celebrating
Drinking booze by the crate
Because (Vera)’s finally pinned down (Jack)
And..also
(pause and the audience who will shout 'All the pubs are open late' Then read the actual line
No…Prince William married Kate

Here's to two very happy brides
The beautiful (Vera) and Kate
It's not just the wedding day they have in common
Can you guess?... (audience will say the pubs are open late)
No...It’s a very long and patient wait

Aren’t I a provocative f…f ..female?



Both brides met their future husbands
(10 years ago) (5 years ago) ( A while ago), both by pure chance
Both women had to tolerate
A (longer-than-ideally-planned)…romance or
A(longer-than-necessary-because-he's-such-a-woosy-typically-blokey-blokey-bollocky-non-makey-mindy-up-sitty-on-the-fence-dip-stick-sort-of-bloke)romance

On the whole, (Vera)’s demeanour
Has been surprisingly bright and breezy
Telling folks you’re courting a (Teddy Bear) (Everton supporter) (Welsh twit) (Geordie)
Really can’t be easy


During (Jack) and (Vera’s) protracted courtship
(They managed (twice) to propagate)
(They failed to propagate)
It would have (been more) (happened), but for (Jack)’s excuse
All the pubs are open late

(Beautiful (Sophie) and baby (James)
Are the results we see today
Now that (Vera)’s finger’s got a ring on it
Perhaps more are on the way

I must say the wedding so far has been very good
We’ve been watered and we’ve ate
We can look forward to this evening
Cos…( the pubs are) (the hotel bar is) open late


So, to recap…
In the spring of twenty eleven, (Jack) a (rock star ) (plonker) (wonderfully best bloke in t‘World))
Took (Vera) his (children's mummy ) (sweetheart) (soul mate) for his wife
Good luck you whirlwind romantics
Have a long and happy life


In a moment, we'll raise our glasses
To (Jack), and (Vera), his wife, and my bessie mate
And I'll remind you of this repeatedly happy thought
All the pubs are open late

Toast (Jack) and (Vera)

And to finish off, here’s an out-take from this ditty


Optional extra

Right now, my dance card’s empty
Book now, you won’t have long to wait
You’ll not know what hit you on the dance floor
No, shut up, its not the bloody pubs are open late
It’s…
My husband’s six foot eight

Thank You
Tumultuous Applause, please

**

Here's a poem by Sir Andrew Motion, the Poet Laureate, entitled Spring Wedding marking the wedding of Will's Dad to Camilla Parker Bowles . Note, he has not written about Will's and Kate's wedding...perhaps I should be the Doggerelist Laureate and when Will is King I think I will be...dead

Spring Wedding

I took your news outdoors, and strolled a while
In silence on my square of garden-ground
Where I could dim the roar of arguments,
Ignore the scandal-flywheel whirring round,

And hear instead the green fuse in the flower
Ignite, the breeze stretch out a shadow-hand

To ruffle blossom on its sticking points,
The blackbirds sing, and singing take their stand.

I took your news outdoors, and found the Spring
Had honoured all its promises to start
Disclosing how the principles of earth
Can make a common purpose with the heart.

The heart which slips and sidles like a stream
Weighed down by winter-wreckage near its source -
But given time, and come the clearing rain,
Breaks loose to revel in its proper course.

( I'm required to say again Royal Wedding Poem.

Royal Wedding Poem elsewhere

Twelve Dames of Christmas

The Twelve Dames of Christmas Die Cut Decoupage produced by La Pashe are being offered at a very silly price here at Twelve Dames of Christmas Special Offer

Here's some poems wot I wrote which you may find suitable for cards you make with these fabulous sheets

A partridge in a pear tree.

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
A partridge in a pear tree
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Two turtle doves

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Turtle doves, two, or if hungry, three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Three French hens

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
French hens, not two but three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Four calling birds

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I thought too of sending you some calling birds,
And as they're small, I thought four, rather than three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Five golden rings

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Five golden rings
But I expect a lady of your refinement
Has drawers full of those things

Suffice that I send Yuletide blessings
Do please enjoy the traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Six geese a-laying

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Six geese a-laying, or oven ready, better yet,
But I know that turkey and stuffing
Is what you usually get

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Seven swans a-swimming

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Seven swans a-swimming, in gravy or sauce,
But I expect you prefer turkey and stuffing
For your Christmas lunch main course

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Eight maids a-milking

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Eight maids a-milking,
But all those uninvited strangers for dinner
Wouldn't suit you, I'm thinking

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Nine ladies dancing,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

Sending you nine ladies dancing, I expect
Wouldn't be number one in your list of wishes
But howsabout nine ladies cooking Christmas dinner?
And then washing up all the dishes?

But just lazing around all Christmas Day
I expect wouldn't be your idea of heaven
Anyway, have a really super Yuletide
And all the best in Twenty Eleven

Twelve Days of Christmas

Ten lords a-leaping,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Ten lords a-leaping,
But all those uninvited strangers at Christmas
Just wouldn't be in keeping
(Would put a dent in the housekeeping)

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

**

Eleven pipers piping,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I was going to send you eleven pipers piping,
But then I changed my mind
Sending uninvited strangers at Christmas
Just wouldn't be very kind

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

**

Twelve drummers drumming,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I thought of sending you twelve drummers drumming,
As a Christmas joke, but then
There's enough noise from over excited kids
Not to mention half sozzled men

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Wot Not To Put Down The Bog

I live in a street where the sewerage pipe blocks about twice a year and everyone on that sewerage run shares the cost of clearance each time. The drains were laid badly by the builder 30 years ago and no doubt over the years extra snagging points have developed. However the main cause of the problem is the putting down the toilet of inappropriate things. When the street was full of babies it would have been disposable nappies (diapers). The drain man on the recent clearance said what the main cause of the blockage was so I wrote this poem for all the residents

Men and Menopausal Women
Don't Carry The Can For Blocking The Pan


The drains are clear
So that's good news
When the drain man left
He expressed these views

"It's not all the natural stuff
That clogs and clings
It's the make-up wipes
And those sanitary things"

So, let's adopt The 3P's
It's a new discipline
If it's not pooh, pee or paper
It goes in the bin!

What Not To Put Down The Bog is copyright Jon Bratton 2010

Funeral Hymns for Anne, Mother, Nanna, Sister

These Funeral Hymns for Anne, Mother, Nanna, Sister have been suggested by Aunt Margaret

There are more suggested Funeral Hymns for Anne here






Funeral Hymns for Anne
28 May 08

Funny Poems Christmas

Its that time of year again for Funny Poems Christmas. No, I haven't got dyslexia. That's how funny Christmas poems are most commonly searched for

Catherine Masters complained that the Queen sent her the same birthday card each year and this prompted Fred MacAuley who has a newsy chat show on BBC Radio Scotland to discuss how to make an impact when sending Christmas cards.
Olive of Olive Designs, a card maker was on the show to talk about card making and I was invited on as a card verse writer
Should you be so inclined you can listen to the show on here
Radio Show
but below are the two verses I wrote to illustrate how verses can be personalised. The first is a verse that the Queen might pen

As your Queen and Sovereign
It behoves one to say
Arise! On Christmas morning
And have a wonderful day

My husband and I
(And all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men)
Want your annus to be wonderfulis
In two thousand and ten

(Annus mirabilis is the correct Latin phrase meaning "wonderful year" but that's just not funny. Phillip Larkin wrote...
life was never better than
In nineteen sixty-three
(Though just too late for me) -
Between the end of the Chatterley ban
And the Beatles' first LP.)


At the end of the piece Fred asked for another sample personalised verse which I'm glad to say I had prepared beforehand. This is for a card I shall send to the programme

To the very best Beeb radio show
Merry Christmas MacAuley and Co
May 2010, the year anew
Bring continued success to Fred and crew

More Funny Poems Christmas

This funny poems Christmas blog page is copyright Jon Bratton but of course individuals, including Her Majesty, may use the material for non commercial purposes

Name All 52 States in USA

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As a self confessed search engine tart I seek out common searches which are not well catered for and this one 'Name all 52 states in USA' is a corker. On a daily basis 1200 people want the search engines to find web sites that name all 52 states and quite naturally there aren't many takers.
So guys here I can name all 53...I've even thrown in the State Capitals

Note there are eight starting with M
And none with B or E
And eight starting with N
And none with J, Q, X or Z
(That rhymes if you are North American)


Alabama Montgomery
Alaska Juneau
Arizona Phoenix
There's more, don't you know


Arkansas Little Rock
California Sacramento
Canada Ottawa
I'm sure that's so


Colorado Denver
Delaware Dover
Connecticut Hartford
The list is not over


Florida Tallahassee
Georgia Atlanta
Hawaii Honolulu
We're starting to canter


Idaho Boise
Illinois Springfield
Indiana Indianapolis
What next is revealed


Iowa Des Moines
Kansas Topeka
Kentucky Frankfort
We're getting there. Eurika


Louisiana Baton Rouge
Maine Augusta
Maryland Annapolis
Hang on in there, Buster


Massachusetts Boston
Minnesota St. Paul
Michigan Lansing
And that's not all


Mississippi Jackson
Missouri Jefferson City
Montana Helena
We're sitting pretty


Nebraska Lincoln
Nevada Carson City
New Hampshire Concord
We're still sitting pretty


New Jersey Trenton
New Mexico Santa Fe
New York Albany
I've got more to say


North Dakota Bismarck
North Carolina Raleigh
Ohio Columbus
There's more, don't dally


Oklahoma Oklahoma City
Oregon Salem
Pennsylvania Harrisburg
I knew I could name 'em


Rhode Island Providence
South Dakota Pierre
South Carolina Columbia
We're getting there


Tennessee Nashville
Texas Austin
Utah Salt Lake City
where I once got lost in


United Kingdom, London
Vermont Montpelier
Virginia Richmond
What did I tell yeah


Washington Olympia
West Virginia Charleston
Wisconsin Madison
I'm done but for one


Wyoming Cheyenne
That's almost the last call
52 States
But that's not all


There's one more to name
Before the conclusion
What about all those folk living
In the state of Confusion?

For more click the link
Name All 52 States in USA

This Name all 52 states in USA blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo is a frequent search as is 'name all 52 states in USA' and not many sites provide the answer so it falls to me. I'll get back to you on the USA states thing but...

Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred,
Is the short answer...but
You need more, so here goes
It's two boys, two girls and a mutt









Scooby-Doo's full name is Scooby-Doo
Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers is Shaggy's full name,
Velma is Velma Dace Dinkley,
And Daphne Ann Blake is the good looking dame

The good looking guy is Freddie
That's Frederick Herman Jones,
Scooby is a Great Dane
That prefers human foods to bones





So that's it. I've satisfied the search. For more click the link

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

This 'Names of the characters in Scooby Doo' blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Flippin Christmas Verses

These are the original verses for Flippin' Christmas Throne scene. They were condensed slightly on the actual production because of space restrictions

Here's Santa sitting
Having a right good read
Ahead of him is Christmas Eve
A busy night indeed

He's got to visit a billion homes
That's an awful lot to do
He'll have no time for reading
Or sitting on the loo


Hope your Christmas is the greatest
As you relax a little bit
And after all that over indulgence
You deserve a right good sit.


Have a good 'un
And may you be sitting pretty in the coming year.


To see more of the range visit Flippin Christmas Verses at LaPashe


'Flippin Christmas Verses' blogpage 2009

Michael Jackson is Dead

The World's Greatest Entertainer, Michael Jackson
Is dead
It is said
It is sad
He has died
It can't be denied
But is it suicide?
You decide

For more, click
Michael Jackson is Dead Suicide?,

This Michael Jackson is dead blogpage comes to you from Jon Bratton