Saturday, 20 December 2008

Christmas Comedy Poems

Christmas Comedy Poems

Santa has to visit 378 million kids
In 108 million homes, it’s reckoned
Because of the Earth’s rotation he’s got 31 hours
That’s 967.7 visits per second.

That’s 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh,
Fill the stockings, eat a snack
Climb up the chimney
Clean off the black and refill the sack

His total trip is 75.5 million miles,
That’s 650 miles per second, to fly
In a sleigh carrying 500 thousand tons,
Plus one very fat guy

He needs 360,000 reindeers
Payload now 600,000 tons, let’s suppose
Generating 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
No wonder Rudolf has a red nose

With acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.
Santa is pinned to the back of the sleigh
By 4.3 million pounds of force,
Christmas Eve, for him, is one tough day

Jon Bratton © 2008

Hope he is good to you
And all the best for 2009

Now if you’ve been sent here from my other website on the pretext that you’ll find great Christmas verses/poems for parents, friends, children, Christians, your pastor, your lover, your spouse and your boss then this is your lucky day for this is the very poem I’ve sent to my Mum (Mom) Arthur, my friend, my two kids, my Christian cousin, my pasta ( I don’t have a pastor but I’m particularly fond of a pepperoni pasta, which at this time of year I like to be deep and crisp and even), my lover, my spouse and my boss (those last three were just one person). Without further more, here’s the poem you have come, in droves, to see and I defy you not to copy and paste it and send it to the group of your acquaintances I have just over-spammed

What does a reindeer hang on his Christmas tree?
Horn-aments of courseBut not his horns, coz without his hornsHe’d be a horseWhere would a reindeer go if it lost its tail?
To a re-tail shop, it’s true
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything… coz he can’t hear you!How do you get into Rudolf's house?
You ring the deer-bell!Who would get a gift from Santelope?
A well behaved gazelleWhat did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It's Christmas, Eve !What do you call a letter sent up the chimney ?
Black mail, I believeWho delivers cat's Christmas presents ?
Well that’s Santa Paws !
And Dumbo’s Christmas presents?
That’s Elephanta Claus !What do snowboys wear on their heads ?
Ice caps, but just until they’re olderWhen the snowboy offended his snowgirlfriend
She gave him the cold shoulder !What do you call an Eskimo cow ?
I’d say an Eskimoo !
How do snowmen travel about?
By icicle, that’s hoo
You’re probably thinking that to make up this intellectual stuff
Expensive poetry lessons were bought
Well you’d be wrong, so there
I am completely elf taught

That’s my Christmas message, can you tell?
You like it? You get it? Well??
There’s no L,
I need a glass of HIJKLMNO
H to O
Enough already
I really need to go
But hey have a really Merry Christmas
But take it steady on the piste
Or you’ll be sending messages to your friends
As ridiculous as thiste
Enjoy and remember a dog is not just for Christmas
There’ll be loads left over
For Boxing Day and to make soup with the carcass
By the way, his name was Rover
Catch the Christmas spirit
Christmas beer, port, Champers, Baileys and, if you must, mulled wine
And all the very best
For two-00-nine

Here's some

but first
and now
If Santa was....
If Santa was a (surname)
an Ozzie
from Anytownetc

If Santa was a (New Yorker)
He'd be a builder on the side
Because chimneys are very narrow
And Santa's very wide
Overnight, there would appear
A big hole in your roof
And you'd know that Santa did it
But you wouldn't have the proof
In January, S. Claus Roofing Contractors
Would take your remaining money
While you saved up for the arrival
Of the (New York) Easter Bunny

If Santa was a (Durham lad)
There'd be money to be made
Getting a Christmas single
In the hit parade
With a waistline just like Meatloaf's
And a beard like ZZ Top's
He'd have the perfect image
To make Top of the Pops
And you'd have to get his record
Cos' if it wasn't on your list
You'd find on Christmas morning
You'd been accidently missed

If Santa was (as shrewd as you)
He'd take a royalty share
Of the billions of Santa cards
Published every year
He'd be bigger than Walt Disney
And Spielberg put together
He'd move to a tax haven
And enjoy the better weather
And if you expected him to visit you
You'd have to save up all the Summer
House calls are expensive
Have you ever called a plumber?

If Santa was a (Techie)
He'd suss out there's no way
To visit 100 million homes
In a reindeer powered sleigh
He'd use the latest technology
To get his deliveries done
In time to have a pint or two
And a bit of Christmas fun
The reindeers would be his pit stop crew
He'd drive a Benetton
And all Summer long he'd make extra dosh
Winning Formula One

If Santa was a (Chav)
He'd join the dole queue
Because apart from Christmas deliveries
He's got nothing else to do
But he wouldn't put his feet up
And watch daytime TV
He'd find himself an "earner"
Strictly cash - no VAT
As he's got a reindeer farm
He'd probably be found
On a barrow, flogging cheap deer burgers
Outside the football ground

Do not read this last one if you're easily offended
Christmas Comedy Poem which is rudy, dirty, naughty but not very
A most distinguished lady
Walks into a tattoo parlour, and sits down.
The owner is amazed to see such a woman
In his seedy shop, in this seedy town
Immediately he goes over to the woman
To find out why.
To his shock, (and utter delight), she lifts up her dress,
And points to her right inner thigh.
.Very high up.... "Right here," she says
"I want a turkey with the word 'Thanksgiving' See?”
Then she points to her left inner thigh
“Here I want a decorated Christmas tree,
And I want the words 'Christmas Day'“.
The tattoo artist, still staring at the woman’s thigh
Said "Lady it's none of my business,
But I just gotta ask why?”
"Well," replies the lady "
I’m sick of hearing my husband say
There’s never anything good to eat
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day"

Jon Bratton copyright two-00-eight
Click on the comments to see Mariah's contribution to Christmas comedy poems about mad Christmas pressie buying entitled T'was the Night Before Black Friday


Mariah said...

A little poem I wrote titled 'Twas the Night 'Fore Black Friday

'Twas the night 'fore Black Friday, when all through the house,
Mother was Googling, with the click of a mouse;
She found running shoes and the prices were fair,
Despite her tired and scraggly hair;
The family was nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Plasmas danced in their heads;
While Mama had java and I took a nap,
She plotted the plan and drew out a map,
I awoke to a rumble of startling chatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
There stood my mom with a large wad of cash,
"Time to go, hun, Best Buy's got a stash!"

With latte in hand and children in stow,
Excited to seek the Christmas cargo,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
"Sale at Penny's! Hurry up, my dear!"
My mom drove the car, so lively and quick,
We traveled to Penny's to get the first pick.

Reaching parking lot, we were ready for fun!
Realizing that our purchases may weigh a ton...

Stood a giant mall, filled with gifts ungiven,
Families, in long lines at different stores were riven.

Stretched from Walgreens, to the entrance of the mall!
Stood a mass of people that could start a brawl!

The Sun had not risen, the moon in the sky,
Yet what happened next did appeal to my eye,
The doors were now open and in people flew,
I, everyone, and their grandmothers, too.

Claustrophobic, I stood aloof,
Spotting scared workers take refuge on roof.

Darting corners and circling around,
Running shoes, radios and Rock Band, we found!

My mom wore her furs from her head to her foot,
While she told me briefly that I had to stay put;

Kitchenware was located all the way in the back,
But she admired a coat that was covered in black.

She only could purchase what she could now carry,
The checkout lines had turned quite scary.

But she saw her running shoes that stood aglow,
But seeing the price required a proper quid pro quo;
When she couldn't buy shoes, she clenched her teeth,
And the anger encircled her head like a wreath;
This surpassed the time she'd received free jelly,
From the jelly of the month club that had fattened her belly.

To what to her eyes did appear on a shelf,
A Plasma TV, which she picked out herself!

Though the shopping experience itself she did dread,
It excited her to see shorter lines up ahead;
She took me in hand as shoppers went berserk,
We had reached the checkout, though this man was a jerk,
From his bad morning breath to his under-plucked nose,
He said that we budged and he stepped on my toes!

Finally, it was time to make our dismissal,
And away we all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I must admit that the stores were a sight,
As we drove home with our finds with much delight.

Jon Bratton said...

Very good Mariah. I thought 'Fore Black Friday' meant before the Credit Crunch. Being a Brit I had to consult Google. I now know it is the Friday after Thanksgiving, the traditional start to the Christmas shopping. I've given your poem a trailer so people don't miss it