Twelve Dames of Christmas

The Twelve Dames of Christmas Die Cut Decoupage produced by La Pashe are being offered at a very silly price here at Twelve Dames of Christmas Special Offer

Here's some poems wot I wrote which you may find suitable for cards you make with these fabulous sheets

A partridge in a pear tree.

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
A partridge in a pear tree
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Two turtle doves

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Turtle doves, two, or if hungry, three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Three French hens

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
French hens, not two but three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Four calling birds

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I thought too of sending you some calling birds,
And as they're small, I thought four, rather than three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Five golden rings

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Five golden rings
But I expect a lady of your refinement
Has drawers full of those things

Suffice that I send Yuletide blessings
Do please enjoy the traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Six geese a-laying

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Six geese a-laying, or oven ready, better yet,
But I know that turkey and stuffing
Is what you usually get

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Seven swans a-swimming

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Seven swans a-swimming, in gravy or sauce,
But I expect you prefer turkey and stuffing
For your Christmas lunch main course

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Eight maids a-milking

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Eight maids a-milking,
But all those uninvited strangers for dinner
Wouldn't suit you, I'm thinking

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Nine ladies dancing,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

Sending you nine ladies dancing, I expect
Wouldn't be number one in your list of wishes
But howsabout nine ladies cooking Christmas dinner?
And then washing up all the dishes?

But just lazing around all Christmas Day
I expect wouldn't be your idea of heaven
Anyway, have a really super Yuletide
And all the best in Twenty Eleven

Twelve Days of Christmas

Ten lords a-leaping,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Ten lords a-leaping,
But all those uninvited strangers at Christmas
Just wouldn't be in keeping
(Would put a dent in the housekeeping)

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

**

Eleven pipers piping,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I was going to send you eleven pipers piping,
But then I changed my mind
Sending uninvited strangers at Christmas
Just wouldn't be very kind

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

**

Twelve drummers drumming,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I thought of sending you twelve drummers drumming,
As a Christmas joke, but then
There's enough noise from over excited kids
Not to mention half sozzled men

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Wot Not To Put Down The Bog

I live in a street where the sewerage pipe blocks about twice a year and everyone on that sewerage run shares the cost of clearance each time. The drains were laid badly by the builder 30 years ago and no doubt over the years extra snagging points have developed. However the main cause of the problem is the putting down the toilet of inappropriate things. When the street was full of babies it would have been disposable nappies (diapers). The drain man on the recent clearance said what the main cause of the blockage was so I wrote this poem for all the residents

Men and Menopausal Women
Don't Carry The Can For Blocking The Pan


The drains are clear
So that's good news
When the drain man left
He expressed these views

"It's not all the natural stuff
That clogs and clings
It's the make-up wipes
And those sanitary things"

So, let's adopt The 3P's
It's a new discipline
If it's not pooh, pee or paper
It goes in the bin!

What Not To Put Down The Bog is copyright Jon Bratton 2010

Funeral Hymns for Anne, Mother, Nanna, Sister

These Funeral Hymns for Anne, Mother, Nanna, Sister have been suggested by Aunt Margaret

There are more suggested Funeral Hymns for Anne here






Funeral Hymns for Anne
28 May 08

Funny Poems Christmas

Its that time of year again for Funny Poems Christmas. No, I haven't got dyslexia. That's how funny Christmas poems are most commonly searched for

Catherine Masters complained that the Queen sent her the same birthday card each year and this prompted Fred MacAuley who has a newsy chat show on BBC Radio Scotland to discuss how to make an impact when sending Christmas cards.
Olive of Olive Designs, a card maker was on the show to talk about card making and I was invited on as a card verse writer
Should you be so inclined you can listen to the show on here
Radio Show
but below are the two verses I wrote to illustrate how verses can be personalised. The first is a verse that the Queen might pen

As your Queen and Sovereign
It behoves one to say
Arise! On Christmas morning
And have a wonderful day

My husband and I
(And all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men)
Want your annus to be wonderfulis
In two thousand and ten

(Annus mirabilis is the correct Latin phrase meaning "wonderful year" but that's just not funny. Phillip Larkin wrote...
life was never better than
In nineteen sixty-three
(Though just too late for me) -
Between the end of the Chatterley ban
And the Beatles' first LP.)


At the end of the piece Fred asked for another sample personalised verse which I'm glad to say I had prepared beforehand. This is for a card I shall send to the programme

To the very best Beeb radio show
Merry Christmas MacAuley and Co
May 2010, the year anew
Bring continued success to Fred and crew

More Funny Poems Christmas

This funny poems Christmas blog page is copyright Jon Bratton but of course individuals, including Her Majesty, may use the material for non commercial purposes

Name All 52 States in USA

Left click the image to enlarge it

As a self confessed search engine tart I seek out common searches which are not well catered for and this one 'Name all 52 states in USA' is a corker. On a daily basis 1200 people want the search engines to find web sites that name all 52 states and quite naturally there aren't many takers.
So guys here I can name all 53...I've even thrown in the State Capitals

Note there are eight starting with M
And none with B or E
And eight starting with N
And none with J, Q, X or Z
(That rhymes if you are North American)


Alabama Montgomery
Alaska Juneau
Arizona Phoenix
There's more, don't you know


Arkansas Little Rock
California Sacramento
Canada Ottawa
I'm sure that's so


Colorado Denver
Delaware Dover
Connecticut Hartford
The list is not over


Florida Tallahassee
Georgia Atlanta
Hawaii Honolulu
We're starting to canter


Idaho Boise
Illinois Springfield
Indiana Indianapolis
What next is revealed


Iowa Des Moines
Kansas Topeka
Kentucky Frankfort
We're getting there. Eurika


Louisiana Baton Rouge
Maine Augusta
Maryland Annapolis
Hang on in there, Buster


Massachusetts Boston
Minnesota St. Paul
Michigan Lansing
And that's not all


Mississippi Jackson
Missouri Jefferson City
Montana Helena
We're sitting pretty


Nebraska Lincoln
Nevada Carson City
New Hampshire Concord
We're still sitting pretty


New Jersey Trenton
New Mexico Santa Fe
New York Albany
I've got more to say


North Dakota Bismarck
North Carolina Raleigh
Ohio Columbus
There's more, don't dally


Oklahoma Oklahoma City
Oregon Salem
Pennsylvania Harrisburg
I knew I could name 'em


Rhode Island Providence
South Dakota Pierre
South Carolina Columbia
We're getting there


Tennessee Nashville
Texas Austin
Utah Salt Lake City
where I once got lost in


United Kingdom, London
Vermont Montpelier
Virginia Richmond
What did I tell yeah


Washington Olympia
West Virginia Charleston
Wisconsin Madison
I'm done but for one


Wyoming Cheyenne
That's almost the last call
52 States
But that's not all


There's one more to name
Before the conclusion
What about all those folk living
In the state of Confusion?

For more click the link
Name All 52 States in USA

This Name all 52 states in USA blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo is a frequent search as is 'name all 52 states in USA' and not many sites provide the answer so it falls to me. I'll get back to you on the USA states thing but...

Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred,
Is the short answer...but
You need more, so here goes
It's two boys, two girls and a mutt









Scooby-Doo's full name is Scooby-Doo
Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers is Shaggy's full name,
Velma is Velma Dace Dinkley,
And Daphne Ann Blake is the good looking dame

The good looking guy is Freddie
That's Frederick Herman Jones,
Scooby is a Great Dane
That prefers human foods to bones





So that's it. I've satisfied the search. For more click the link

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

This 'Names of the characters in Scooby Doo' blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Flippin Christmas Verses

These are the original verses for Flippin' Christmas Throne scene. They were condensed slightly on the actual production because of space restrictions

Here's Santa sitting
Having a right good read
Ahead of him is Christmas Eve
A busy night indeed

He's got to visit a billion homes
That's an awful lot to do
He'll have no time for reading
Or sitting on the loo


Hope your Christmas is the greatest
As you relax a little bit
And after all that over indulgence
You deserve a right good sit.


Have a good 'un
And may you be sitting pretty in the coming year.


To see more of the range visit Flippin Christmas Verses at LaPashe


'Flippin Christmas Verses' blogpage 2009