Thursday, 14 November 2013

Dual Porpoise Cards

I am de-clogging the loft ahead of me developing geriatric tendencies and I came across an old product I produced when working with artist Jim Harker,  an old school friend. It was a card back to attach to a fine art print to make it into a greeting card. There was a range of sensible sentiments and then there was this one. It is in the Geordie lingo so see what you make of it

Aa was ganna send ye a pictia
Of some gadgie in the toon
Staggerin' and caallin' for Hughie
Havin' supped several Broon
Fower pints of Fed
And a Courage (by mistake)
Followed by two kebabs and a vindaloo
And some chips in stotty cake

Such a technocolour yawn
Wi' diced carrots in the mixture
Ah think ye'll agree
Would mek a colourful pictia
But that up on yer loonge waall
Wadn't mek ye ower keen
And it's a canny bit more nicer
To hev a propa local scene

I'm not sure this will mean anything to anyone but at least it's preserved for posterity. Any remaining card backs and much else of my past are now in the bin. It is very cathartic this loft de-clogging

Jon Bratton © 2013

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Oh Canada

Here's a poem wot I wrote for my Canadian rellies

Dressed in boots, parka, scarf and mittens 
Are a couple at an airport in Arkansas
An old couple standing nearby 
Were intrigued by the clothes they wore

I wonder where they’re from?" says the wife
Her hubby says “I dunno!
Why don’t you ask them
If you really want to know”

She walks over to the couple and asks
They say "Saskatchewan... Saskatoon"
She returns to her husband and says
"They don't speak English, so it could be the moon"

Jon Bratton 2013

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Poem About Heef or is it Borse?

Inspired by all the horse puns in Twitterland and even on the Beeb News I have written this ditty

With unbridled hunger I eat like a horse
Usually at lunchtime, in truth
There's no time at all for horsing around
I have to eat on the hoof

By a short head, Tescos was my favourite
Furlong enough I thought them sound
Notwithstanding that in their bar codes
Some traces of Zebra were found

My stable diet is burgers and lasagne
Findus are as good as they come
I race for them past the granulated shergar bags
Horse d'oeuvres, l'escago and red rum

"They're Off" All the burgers from the shelves
Tesco have cleared the processed food place
I heard it on the BBC Mane News
But hay! Why have a long face?

My Lidl's pony and Aldi's uni quorn
Are a good energy source
I'm no longer saddled with Tescos
With a lidl swerve, I've aldi'd course

So food producers, get your act together
You'd better start keeping it real
For goodness sake whatever next
You'll be expecting us Brits to eat veal!

Jon Bratton © 2013