Saturday, 28 November 2009

Funny Poems Christmas

Its that time of year again for Funny Poems Christmas. No, I haven't got dyslexia. That's how funny Christmas poems are most commonly searched for

Catherine Masters complained that the Queen sent her the same birthday card each year and this prompted Fred MacAuley who has a newsy chat show on BBC Radio Scotland to discuss how to make an impact when sending Christmas cards.
Olive of Olive Designs, a card maker was on the show to talk about card making and I was invited on as a card verse writer
Should you be so inclined you can listen to the show on here
Radio Show
but below are the two verses I wrote to illustrate how verses can be personalised. The first is a verse that the Queen might pen

As your Queen and Sovereign
It behoves one to say
Arise! On Christmas morning
And have a wonderful day

My husband and I
(And all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men)
Want your annus to be wonderfulis
In two thousand and ten

(Annus mirabilis is the correct Latin phrase meaning "wonderful year" but that's just not funny. Phillip Larkin wrote...
life was never better than
In nineteen sixty-three
(Though just too late for me) -
Between the end of the Chatterley ban
And the Beatles' first LP.)



At the end of the piece Fred asked for another sample personalised verse which I'm glad to say I had prepared beforehand. This is for a card I shall send to the programme

To the very best Beeb radio show
Merry Christmas MacAuley and Co
May 2010, the year anew
Bring continued success to Fred and crew

More Funny Poems Christmas

This funny poems Christmas blog page is copyright Jon Bratton but of course individuals, including Her Majesty, may use the material for non commercial purposes

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Name All 52 States in USA


Left click the image to enlarge it

As a self confessed search engine tart I seek out common searches which are not well catered for and this one 'Name all 52 states in USA' is a corker. On a daily basis 1200 people want the search engines to find web sites that name all 52 states and quite naturally there aren't many takers.
So guys here I can name all 53...I've even thrown in the State Capitals

Note there are eight starting with M
And none with B or E
And eight starting with N
And none with J, Q, X or Z
(That rhymes if you are North American)


Alabama Montgomery
Alaska Juneau
Arizona Phoenix
There's more, don't you know


Arkansas Little Rock
California Sacramento
Canada Ottawa
I'm sure that's so


Colorado Denver
Delaware Dover
Connecticut Hartford
The list is not over


Florida Tallahassee
Georgia Atlanta
Hawaii Honolulu
We're starting to canter


Idaho Boise
Illinois Springfield
Indiana Indianapolis
What next is revealed


Iowa Des Moines
Kansas Topeka
Kentucky Frankfort
We're getting there. Eurika


Louisiana Baton Rouge
Maine Augusta
Maryland Annapolis
Hang on in there, Buster


Massachusetts Boston
Minnesota St. Paul
Michigan Lansing
And that's not all


Mississippi Jackson
Missouri Jefferson City
Montana Helena
We're sitting pretty


Nebraska Lincoln
Nevada Carson City
New Hampshire Concord
We're still sitting pretty


New Jersey Trenton
New Mexico Santa Fe
New York Albany
I've got more to say


North Dakota Bismarck
North Carolina Raleigh
Ohio Columbus
There's more, don't dally


Oklahoma Oklahoma City
Oregon Salem
Pennsylvania Harrisburg
I knew I could name 'em


Rhode Island Providence
South Dakota Pierre
South Carolina Columbia
We're getting there


Tennessee Nashville
Texas Austin
Utah Salt Lake City
where I once got lost in


United Kingdom, London
Vermont Montpelier
Virginia Richmond
What did I tell yeah


Washington Olympia
West Virginia Charleston
Wisconsin Madison
I'm done but for one


Wyoming Cheyenne
That's almost the last call
52 States
But that's not all


There's one more to name
Before the conclusion
What about all those folk living
In the state of Confusion?

For more click the link
Name All 52 States in USA

This Name all 52 states in USA blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton

Friday, 31 July 2009

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo is a frequent search as is 'name all 52 states in USA' and not many sites provide the answer so it falls to me. I'll get back to you on the USA states thing but...

Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred,
Is the short answer...but
You need more, so here goes
It's two boys, two girls and a mutt









Scooby-Doo's full name is Scooby-Doo
Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers is Shaggy's full name,
Velma is Velma Dace Dinkley,
And Daphne Ann Blake is the good looking dame










The good looking guy is Freddie
That's Frederick Herman Jones,
Scooby is a Great Dane
That prefers human foods to bones





So that's it. I've satisfied the search. For more click the link

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

This 'Names of the characters in Scooby Doo' blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Flippin Christmas Verses




These are the original verses for Flippin' Christmas Throne scene. They were condensed slightly on the actual production because of space restrictions

Here's Santa sitting
Having a right good read
Ahead of him is Christmas Eve
A busy night indeed

He's got to visit a billion homes
That's an awful lot to do
He'll have no time for reading
Or sitting on the loo


Hope your Christmas is the greatest
As you relax a little bit
And after all that over indulgence
You deserve a right good sit.


Have a good 'un
And may you be sitting pretty in the coming year.


To see more of the range visit Flippin Christmas Verses at LaPashe


'Flippin Christmas Verses' blogpage 2009

Thursday, 25 June 2009

Michael Jackson is Dead



The World's Greatest Entertainer, Michael Jackson
Is dead
It is said
It is sad
He has died
It can't be denied
But is it suicide?
You decide

For more, click
Michael Jackson is Dead Suicide?,

This Michael Jackson is dead blogpage comes to you from Jon Bratton

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Fathers Day Poems from Children


Here is a short poem from my Fathers Day Poems from Children collection, it being only 3 days to Father's Day


The big corn looked down
And patted the (baby)(little)(young) corn's head
I'm ever so proud
To be a popcorn, he said



I'm so proud you are my Popcorn

Happy Popcorn's Day,

Daddy

from

your baby corn


Jon Bratton 2009


For more, click the link



This Fathers Day Poems from Children blog page is copyright Jon Bratton 2009 but the material may be used for private non commercial use


Sunday, 14 June 2009

Baked Potato Recipe Foil



Those who know me just know that this is a search engine foible whereby lots of folk search using the phrase, 'baked potato recipe foil' but no one fully satisfies them. So all you folk who want to know the extent to which foil features in the baked potato process here's the definitive answer...it doesn't and it shouldn't and here's why

"Baked Potato recipe foil"
That should read fail
For your potato in foil will boil and spoil
You'll be put in Potato Jail

The foil traps the moisture, you see
It's a mistake
Your potato will be steamed
It's a far better taste, when you bake

So, put the potato in the oven, pricked and naked
That's the potato, not you
To be honest it doesn't matter
So you can be naked too

After 50 minutes, remove
Your naked potato is now bak-ed
Use foil now, if you like, during its 10 minute rest
Then serve it, naked
(Smothered in butter)

Look, if you want to pick up on every innuendo go ahead, cook the potato naked, it's not a problem because there are no hot splashes and if you want to serve it naked covered in butter, no problem because frankly what do you do in you kitchen is a matter between you and the receiver of your smothered offerings
Me? I'm hot and bothered and going for a lie down

Jon Bratton 2009

For more on the subject click the link
Baked Potato Recipe Foil
but if you do, woe betide you

This 'baked potato recipe foil' is brought to you, for free use, and to satisfy a significant but un fulfilled desire

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Newcastle United Premiership or Championship?

It's do or die today for the Toon Army. Newcastle United Premiership or Championship next season?


Hip Hip Hooray
Al's saved the day
He desorves every penny
Of his million quid pay
Now he's var nigh boond to stay
The dug oot's better than Match of the Day


Doom and Gloom
The toon is doon
Ah think ah'll sup some Newcie Broon
Then gan te bed till the next blue moon


For more, click the link
Newcastle United Premiership or Championship?

This Newcastle United Premiership or Championship? blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Mother and Son Poem


This mother and son poem is a follow up to yesterday's poems about a student son using Father's Day to try to scrounge some money from his Dad. Today he tackles his mother

“Mom, I sent a Fathers Day card to Dad
But he didn’t help at all
I’m a little.., I’m ski.. I’m broke…, Mom
So I thought I’d give you a call”

“OK, sweetie,” says Mom
“The money is on its way
And I’ll send your economics book
Which you left, on your last stay”

“Uhh oh yeah Mom” says son
“Thanks, you really are a friend”
Dad comes home and asks his wife
“OK how much did you send”

"Two checks, one for 20, and the other for 1,000."
"That's 1020 dollars!!!" yelled Dad
"Don't worry hon," Mom said,
“Its really not that bad

I taped the $20 check to the book cover
But put the $1,000 one in between
The pages on Prudent Money Management
That’s in Chapter 15!"

Jon Bratton 2009

This mother and son poem is copyright Jon Bratton. It may be used for non commercial purposes

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Father's Day Verses Funny

This Father's Day Verses Funny blog entry is brought to you in the lead up to Fathers Day next month.
Based on a joke I read somewhere I have written this Fathers Day card poem from a student to his Dad containing sledge hammer subtlety



Dad, $chool i$ really great.
I’m $tudying very hard.
I want for little, well, sort of..
Except, perhaps, a ¢ard
I would love to receive something from you.
About home and Mom and $uch
I am making lot$ of friend$
But I mi$$ you very much
The only reason I made thi$ ¢ard
Is becau$e I want to $ay
You mean $o very much to me
Have a $uper Father’$ Day

Your Loving, Hard up $logger $on.



Image from http://www.dubuque.k12.ia.us/parents/CartoonNO.jpg


The wise father replied

Dear Son,
Your sincere speech did NOt go unNOticed
But it came as NO surprise
And the subtletness of your message
Did NOt escape my teary eyes

I do kNOw that the study of ecoNOmics,
Is to you, interesting stuff
The pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
And you can never kNOw eNOugh.

I wrote to my Dad
When I was away at college
My Dad let me kNOw the meaning of NO
And I pass on to you that kNOwledge

Jon Bratton 2009

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Fathers Day Poems Funny

Image from http://www.lindenservices.co.uk/userimages/stihl.jpg


Fathers Day is just a month away
So here's a little ditty

On this Father’s Day, Dad

I hope you are well
Pin back your lug holes
I’ve a story to tell

A lumberjack raised the money
For his son‘s education, he planned
By cutting down trees
Laboriously, by hand

The son bought his father a chain saw
“This will make life easier, Pater”
Then he went off to college
Returning 3 months later

The father had indeed used the saw
But he was now on his knees
He had worked much harder
And had cut down less trees

The son was disappointed
At what he had heard and seen
So he checked the oil and gas
On the chain saw machine

He pulled on the cord
The chain saw roared into action
The son was surprised
At his father’s reaction

His father got a shock
He grabbed his son’s jacket
BLOODY HELL SON, he said
WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT RACKET?

For your Father’s Day present
I thought long and hard
But you’ll understand now
Why I just got you this card

Happy Father’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

For more, click the link
Fathers Day Poems Funny


This 'Fathers Day Poems Funny' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton but poem may be used for non commercial purposes

Monday, 11 May 2009

How long do you cook turkey breast


How long do you cook turkey breast is a question asked on the internet about 700,000 times per year so this is a perfect subject for a search engine tart like me to address, so here goes

Roast at 350 degrees for 20 minutes per pound
Should produce meat that will please
But for perfection, use a food thermometer
And cook till the temperature reaches 170 degrees.


Jon Bratton 2009

The best thing to do is cook to temperature. Get a probe thermometer and cook until it reaches 165-175 degrees. It is really hard to tell someone how long to cook a piece of meat because every piece of meat is different and every oven is different and conditions vary. All of these factors contribute to cooking by time being unreliable. Everyone should have a probe thermometer not just for good cooking but for safe cooking

If you want to know more, click the link
How Long Do You Cook Turkey Breast

Cook a Steak and How Long



Cook a steak and how long?
Is a question asked by 500 people each day
2 to 5 minutes each side
That's it...there's not much more to say
Except this, if 2 minutes, rest it for 5
And if 5 minutes, rest it for 2
Give it 20 minutes if you want it cremated
And show it a match if you want it blue


Jon Bratton 2009


How Long Do You Cook a Medium Steak

This is my guide to steak cooking times. They can only be a guide as it depends on the thickness of the steak. I have based these on a steak that is approximately 2.5cm or 1 inch thick.

Rare: 1-2 minutes per side - rest for 6-8 minutes
Medium rare: 2-2.5 minutes per side - rest for 5 minutes
Medium: 4 minutes per side - rest for 4 minutes
Well done: 5.5 minutes per side - rest for 1 minute
Thicker steaks may require a longer cooking time, and shorter for thinner steaks.


To know more, clink the link




Friday, 8 May 2009

What Does The USA Flag Colors Represent?


What does the USA flag colors represent?
What do the colors signify?
The American flag is red, white and blue
The question oft asked is why


It's almost an obsessive question
What do the colors mean?
Nothing, they're merely the colors
That on the British Union Jack, are seen




The red is from England's St George's Cross
And Ireland's St Patrick's Cross too
And St Andrew's Cross of Scotland
Gives us the blue


Meanings have been ascribed to the colors
In the Great Seal, used for security
The blue is justice, red is valor
And the white means purity


But to the question, the flag colors
Mean, signify, symbolize what?
The answer is nothing, nada, zip
Zilch, diddly squat


Jon Bratton 2009


To learn more, click the link



This 'What Does The USA Flag Colors Represent' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Thursday, 7 May 2009

American Flag History for Kids


American Flag History for Kids, unlikely as it seems, is a popular search term and it just screamed out for a poem to be written. The job befell me, though I don't claim to be a vexillologist. But first here's the first stanza of the US National Anthem, The Star Spangled Banner (meaning star covered banner)



Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Here's another little ditty, from where I know not

I love my flag, my country's flag
The red and white and blue.
It has broad stripes and fifty stars,
And stands for freedom, too.

Now here's me poem


The flag of the United States
Is red, white and blue
It has 13 stripes and 50 stars
But this wasn't always true

For its first year as a Nation
USA had no flag at all
Then it got one with 13 stars
Set out in a circle, like a ball



The first official national flag
According to the story
Was approved on June 14, 1777
And nicknamed “Old Glory”

The claim of Betsy Ross is that she
Made, with her own hands, the first flag
If that is true, and it seems to be
She was entitled to brag

In 1795, the number of stars and stripes
Was increased by two
Vermont and Kentucky joined the union
And wanted to be given their due

When more joined, the stars increased
But the stripes reduced back
To represent the 13 colonies
That gave Britain the sack

Two overseas states, Hawaii and Alaska
Were added from afars
So now the Stars and Stripes
Has a total of 50 stars

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's another..the lyrics to a song



Said Washington to Betsy Ross, "A flag our nation needs
To lead our valiant soldiers on to high and noble deeds
Now can you make one for us, to which she made reply,
"I am not certain if I can; At least I'll gladly try."

Chorus:
So she took some red for the blood they shed
Some white for purity,
Some stars so bright from the sky overhead
Some blue for loyalty,
And sewed them all together,
For loyal hearts and true,
And hand in hand as one we stand
For the red, the white and the blue.

Said Betsy Ross to Washington, "Your country's flag behold!"
And through his tear-dimmed eyes he saw the stars and stripes unfold.
Then to his breast he clasped it, and looked to heaven above.
"Oh may it ever stand," he cried, "For rights and truth and love."

Finally, here's a lovely piece
A Toast to the Flag" by John Jay Daly, c.1918

Here's to the red of it;
There's not a thread of it —
No nor a shred of it —
In all the spread of it,
From foot to head,
But heroes bled for it,
Faced steel and lead for it —
Precious blood shed for it,
Bathing it red.

Here's to the white of it;
Thrilled by the sight of it,
Who knows the right of it
But has felt the might of it
Through day and night?
Womanhood's care for it
Made manhood dare for it;
Purity's prayer for it
Kept it so white

Here's to the blue of it,
Heavenly view of it,
Star spangled hue of it,
Honesty's due of it,
Constant and true;
Here's to the whole of it —
Stars, stripes and pole of it —
Here's to the soul of it,
Red white and blue.


If you want to know more, click the link
American Flag History for Kids

This 'American Flag History for Kids' blog page is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. The poem may be used for non commercial purposes


Dinosaurs for Kids


Dinosaurs for kids is a fairly popular search term. Some of you will know that I am assisting Paul Perro with his lovely http://www.history-for-kids.com/website and I am quoting here a portion of his longer poem on the subject of 'Dinosaurs for Kids'

There was a type of creature called a dinosaur.
Which you do not see any more.
They lived in a prehistoric time,
I’ll tell you about them in this rhyme.

Dinosaurs had tiny brains
But they had ginormous names.
Like triceratops, brontosaurus,
Velociraptor and OhDon'tBoreUs

The tyrannosaurus rex
Was scary, one suspects.
It had lots of big sharp teeth,
And a *ROAR* that just defied belief.

How I wish that I could get
A dinosaur to be my pet.
I would take him into school one day
And everyone would run away.

This will never happen, I realize
For long ago they met their demise.
Fossils are all that are left, it seems,
You can sometimes see them in museums.

This post is a test to see how well or how badly it fares in the Google search engine results page. Paul Perro's webpage is well search engine optimised and yet does not feature on the first ten pages, I suspect because it is a new website and its in Google's so called sandbox. A blog page usually does much better. I'll report back

Click the link for more
Dinosaurs for Kids and other history poems

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Goodbye Sad Poems, But Funny

Goodbye Sad Poems is a popular search, particularly for co-workers who are departing for pastures new, or retiring. I have written many such poems where the goodbye maybe sad but the poem is funny. These were written about very specific people but here I've taken all the generic material and welded it together to produce a poem to apply to anyone...with a sense of humour. If to a teetotaller, take out the verses about drink. It is intended to be read out loud by two people, the black type is good cop and the purple is bad cop


Today)(tonight), we have a change of style
It's a different kind of do
I've cut my eloquent, articulate, smooth and polished speech
That'll save an hour or two

We have for you a little ditty
A farewell and good luck quip
To say goodbye to our dear friend
As he departs this sinking ship

Yes a Co-worker is leaving
It's now sincerity time
To pay him a special tribute
By insulting him in rhyme

Co-workers leaving is always sad
A time for sorrow and grieving
But today we can be happy
Coz it's Charlie Smith that's leaving

I've heard about your ditties
I'm not sure I'm very keen
I just take poetic license
You take liberties, you mean

If you're going to insult my friend
I don't want any part
Oh (Mary)(Bill), don't make a fuss
I'll behave, cross my heart

OK, but no derogatory remarks
Did I not promise just now
No innuendoes or calling him names
Get on, yer silly cow

Alright, it's goodbye to a hard worker
It is a terrible pity
To lose such a staunch member of...
The Skivers and Shirkers Committee

We're saying goodbye to a learned colleague
Who knows that one over the eight is nine
We're bidding adieu to a man of spirit
Who's very fond of wine

We all like to socialise
With a drop of wine or beer
But to us, it's just a pastime
To Charlie, it's his career

Work is a mere distraction
As a respite, it's fine
Between yesterday's binge on beer
And today's excess of wine

Charlie's a very hard worker
Do you really think that's true?
If you tell Mr (Brown) Charlie's leaving
He'll say "Sorry, Charlie Who?

No I'm not having it
We can't treat a friend this way
OK, Clever Clogs
You think of something nice to say

You can always rely on Charlie
When you're in a desperate need
When things are bad but could get worse
They will, that's guaranteed

I remember when poor Charlie (lost that big order)(fell down the stairs) (whatever)
I felt sorry for him, more than a bit
It's something Charlie would like to forget
Yes, that's why I mentioned it

You couldn't have been more insulting
What have you got to say?
I'm very sorry...I'm very sorry
You made me throw all the best bits away

Charlie, take no notice of him
At least I'm on your side
This one here, couldn't have been more insulting
But believe me, Charlie, I tried


I'd like now to propose a toast
To bring this to an end
To Charlie, no longer a co-worker
But still a very dear friend

Jon Bratton 2009
but based on his earlier material


If you want more Goodbye Sad Poems...but funny, click the link
This 'Goodbye Sad Poems, but funny' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. The poem may be used for non commercial purposes

Thursday, 23 April 2009

St Georges Day



Today is not only St Georges Day but...

Today is St George's and the Bard's Birth and Death day
Have the happiest of days
Just pondering...if he was born and died on the same day
How come he wrote so many flippin’ plays

Jon Bratton © 2007

This next one was written for a specific person…the name has been changed


GOLFER / BIRTHDAY ON ST GEORGE'S DAY / EXOTIC HOLIDAYS

James Drummond Justice Brown
You've reached the big Five 0
And still in shape, despite suppin ale
At 80 shillings a go ....

You occasionally spoil a good walk
Knocking a ball o'er dales and hills
And as a Tory with Healey eyebrows
You really need your acting skills

For Holidays you avoid the madding crowd
From Costa del Sol you'd run a mile
Preferring instead the Orient Express
Or an exotic Western Isle

You're a Noel Coward kind of chap
That's clear from the life you forge
And as a Taurus you share the destiny
Of the Bard and bold St George

Except you're not so much a writer
More a talker, it must be said
and you've never slain a dragon
.... you married her instead!

This was written for a competition. It didn’t win because after I had written it, I realised that the competition had been held the year previous

T'was just after Easter, I was wearing me bonnet
I sat down to write this Shakespearean sonnet
As an Imperial I ne'er shout of centimetres
Iambically speaking, know nowt of pentameters
This sonnet's to celebrate St George's Day
A rare opportunity for me to say
It's ironic, nay verily, more idiotic
That a Palestinian Turk makes me feel patriotic
At the next World Cup, may England prevail
At the Plymouth Arms, may this win me free ale
Jon Bratton © 2007

This is one of a series of silly ditties I wrote for the webpage you can reach by following the link below

Poem For Susan George

It's 23rd April
This card is sent to say
To the hard of hearing and dyslexics
Today's your special day

Jon Bratton © 2007

Click the Link
For more
St Georges Day Poems



Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Was Shakespeare Gay or Bisexual

Posted by Picasa
Was Shakespeare Gay or Bisexual?
Look at the earlier portrait of Will and look at this newly discovered one.

Spot the difference?
For all purposes and intents
In the one he's a serious poet and dramatist
In the other, as camp as a row of tents

"In the early sonnets, Shakespeare writes about his great love, who happens to be a young man. While many people assume this to mean that he had a male lover and thus was either gay or bisexual there are others who still believe that his male friend was not his lover but someone who was simply very close to him emotionally "...to read more, click the link

Why is Shakespeare Known as The Bard

Why is Shakespeare known as The Bard is explained below in me poem but first know this.
23rd April is the birth date and death date of English poet and playwright William Shakespeare.
So, the most famous (possibly) Englishman was born and died on St Georges Day, the Patron Saint of England

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them” from Twelfth Night by Shakespeare

William Shakespeare was born and died
On the very same day
Well, he didn’t last very long
I hear some of you say

If he really was born and died
On the very same day
He couldn’t have managed a sonnet
Never mind a 3 act play

Fortunately for us (but not for schoolchildren)
There was 52 years in between
The first 23rd April was in 1564
And the second in 1616

Most of his work was produced
In a 23 year frame of time
Nearly 40 plays and 150 odd sonnets
And poems that don’t even rhyme

Why is Shakespeare known as the Bard?
That's not a title he earns
For that title belongs to The Bard
Scotland's Robert Burns

Shakespeare is The Bard of Avon
That's the river in his town of birth
Bard just means poet
It's Welsh, for what it's worth

Jon Bratton 2009

For more, click the link
Why is Shakespeare known as the Bard or is it Rabbie Burns

This'Why is Shakespeare known as the Bard' blog entry is copyright of Jon Bratton 2009

Monday, 20 April 2009

Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem


Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem
21st April 2009

Ma'am, or to use your Official Title,'Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland' it behoves me as the Doggeret Laureate to write a little number for your 83rd Birthday. It goes like this


On this day 83 years ago, Lilibet was born
And it just couldn’t be foreseen
That one day the baby Princess
Would become our Queen

Her uncle would become the King
And have children of his own
And the eldest of those children
Would ascend to the throne

But Uncle Bertie abdicated
And her Dad as King was bound
When he died, Her Royal Highness The Princess Elizabeth
As our Queen was crowned

This is a birthday tribute, Your Majesty
It gives me much pleasure
To say happy 83rd birthday Ma’am,
Our Queen and National Treasure

Jon Bratton 2009

If you want more, click the link
Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem



This Queen Elizabeth's Birthday Poem is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Sorry Poems

Image from http://gleesongleanings.wordpress.com/2008/06/

I'm working on a new website http://www.poem-poetry.com/ and I needed to add a Sorry Poems page. Most people search for Sorry verses or poems when Apology verses or poems would be more appropriate
Here's some of the poems I came up with.

Lets make up and forget.
What I did, I regret
***

It was so stupid what I said
I didn’t mind my Qs and Ps
I’ve won the Foot in Mouth award
Forgive me please

***

If I was a blood splattered runaway lorry
I couldn't feel more sorry
If I was a serial love cheat like Ken or Deirdre from Corry
I couldn't feel more sorry
If I was a mud and slime filled, alligator infested quarry
I couldn't feel more sorry
That's how sorry I am

These light hearted poems are sorry (apology) poems for friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, husband,wife, boss, teacher etc to say I'm sorry I hurt you, I am sorry to risk our friendship, I am sorry I did or didn't do something. They are poems to apologise, they are not to say sorry for your loss or sorry you are leaving
This Sorry Poems blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. The poems may be used for private non commercial purposes but not for publishing on a website

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Story of Easter for Children

I wrote Story of Easter for Children because tomorrow is Maundy Thursday when the Queen gives Maundy Money to pensioners. Last Sunday was Palm Sunday and after tomorrow it's Good Friday and then there's Easter Sunday. Kids probably don't know anything other than it's an Eating Chocolate Fest so this is my poem explaining it in rhyme, for this blog of course but primarily as a contribution to the great new website www.history-for-kids.com

Do you know the story of Easter?
Of course you get Easter eggs so yummy
But Easter is about much more
Than just good things for your tummy


It is a Christian Church Festival
Held every Spring
About the death of Jesus...that's bad
And his coming to life again...Good Thing !



Palm Sunday is a week before Easter
It celebrates when Jesus rode into Jerusalem town
On a donkey, which walked over
All the coats that the people threw down


Story of Easter for Children


The people who didn’t have coats
Went to the fields where they found
Palm branches which they spread
All across the ground



These people knew that Jesus was special.
It was like when a King comes to town,
They didn’t have a red carpet
So they laid their coats, and branches down.

Story of Easter for Children


And to this day a donkey is special
Because it carried Jesus with care~
If you look at the back of a donkey
You’ll see a cross is still there



Next comes the day of the Last Supper
Maundy Thursday, when Judas was Jesus’ enemy
For silver money, he betrayed his friend
In the Garden of Gethsemane


Maundy means commandment
Jesus said at the Last Supper“I am your brother
As I have loved you
You must love one another”


The Queen of Britain gives money
Every Maundy Day
To people who are old
And no longer get any pay


Story of Easter for Children


The next day is Good Friday
The day Jesus was crucified
Two days later, on Easter Sunday he said
"I've come back...coz I've just un-died


He didn't stay long with his friends
He didn't die, but rather
He went straight up to Heaven
To join God, which art (who was) His Father


The word Easter comes from Eostre
The name of a Saxon godd-ess
Who found a little bird
In a little bit of a mess

The poor bird couldn't fly
It had lost more than a feather
So the goddess turned it into a hare
To survive the Winter weather

Story of Easter for Children


The hare found it could lay eggs
Which was a very strange thing
So it decorated the eggs and gave them
To the goddess every Spring


If you think that a hare laying eggs
Is so very funny
Remember,
that's why we have Easter eggs
And of course, the Easter Bunny


Jon Bratton 2009

If you want more, click the link

Story of Easter for Children

This story of easter for children is copyright of Jon Bratton 2009

Easter Bunny Girl
Myspace Glitter Graphics

Short Easter Poems



As Easter is nearly upon us I thought I'd bring you some Short Easter poems...just when all your cards have already been sent for this year. I drafted this entry weeks ago and then got busy.This first one was for an Aunt who wanted to send a card to her 20 year old nephew and made a card with an Easter Bunny Girl on the front


You're too old for easter eggs and things
My handsome young nephew
But you're not too young for Easter 'chicks'
So I'm sending one to you


To put a Spring in your step

Jon Bratton 2009
**

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Chocolate is brown
Happy Easter to you

Short Easter Poems



Easter duck and Easter chick,
Easter eggs with chocolate thick.
Easter hats for one and all,
Easter bunny makes a call!
Happy Easter always brings
Such a lot of pleasant things!


Short easter Poems


Hello yellow
For chicks and daffodils
Playing, swaying in the Springtime breeze
Howdi brown,( not for trees)
But for Chocolate,chocolate...and more chocolate
Pleeeeeeease



This one is for that new breed of people
Child Rearing Grandparents


Mum (Mom) (and Dad) you know I (we) rely on you
Perhaps more than I (we) ought
But I (we) really do appreciate
All your love and support


Have a really lovely Easter
And may all your chocs be beauties
Have a nice long rest before resuming
Your childminding duties


Which I (we) hope you find rewarding
Not in money terms, as such
But knowing that I (we) and the children
Love you very much


Jon Bratton c 2006


***


Happy Norther
Happy Souther
Happy Wester

Got it !Happy Easter


***


Guess who's hop, hop, hopping your way?
To wish you a hap, hap, happy Holiday.
Loaded with goodies made just for you.
It's the Easter Bunny
That's who.




May your Easter be wrapped in happiness .....and tied with love


Want More? Click the Link
Short Easter Poems


This Short Easter Poems blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009
Non commercial use of the poems is OK but not for use on websites

Friday, 27 March 2009

Black History Poems

This Black History poems blog is another of my contributions for the website
It is written from the perspective of a little slave girl in the 1700s living with her father and sister in a slave hut on a cotton plantation in North America


I live in my Pappy's hut
My name is Kizzy Clay
My older sister is Eliza
I'm six years old today

My Mammy died of fever
Eliza's ten, she cares for me
I don't know our exact address
But we live in Slavery

Pappy works in Mr John's fields
Planting cotton and rice
Yesterday, he was whipped
Which wasn't very nice

Black History Poems

The overseer is very cruel
His name is Nathaniel Black
My pappy cannot work today
He's got deep cuts on his back

Oh, I can see Mr John's little girl
Her name is Missy Rose
She lives in the Big House
And wears very nice clean clothes

She's pretty and has white skin
Her mother is also dead
But she has two aunts to care for her
She sleeps in a proper bed

Black History Poems

She has a beautiful pony
Which lives in a stable 6 feet 4
It has its own blankets
And nice clean straw

Our hut is also 6 feet 4
Two families have to share
Its very dark and we sleep on rags
Eliza says it isn't fair

Pappy says his Grandpappy's Pappy
"Was a chief before coming here
Once proud and free, he was enslaved
To live in chains.....and fear

Black History Poems

All the young strong villagers
Were forcefully taken away
Crammed into sailing ships
Bound for the USA

Many died on the way
A ship sometimes would sink
Or they died through lack of medicine
Or not enough to drink"

Pappy says his Grandpappy's Pappy
Arrived very much alive
He was a strong healthy 20 year old
He died, broken, at 35

Black History Poems

Pappy says that one day
All slaves will be free
We'll get a President who believes in it
Just you wait and see

Pappy says he has a dream
That a King will come one day
And they'll listen very carefully
To all he has to say

He says that he has a dream
That blacks and whites will live as one
Living free, in a proper house
Just like Mr John

Black History Poems

He even dreams that maybe
There will come the day
When a black man becomes the President
Of the USA

Eliza says he's crazy
Or that's how it seems
But she says when life is very hard
A man should have his dreams

Black History Poems

One day, perhaps, a little girl
Will have a story read
By her Pappy, before she goes to sleep
In her proper bed

But until then, I'll be content
What will be, will be
Nighty night I must go
There's a dream that waits for me


Jon Bratton 2009

Clink the link for more

This 'black history poems' blog page is copyright jon Bratton 2009

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Poems Containing Metaphors, Onomatopoeia, Alliteration, Assonance

If you came here just for examples of onomatopoeia
click this link
Onomatopoeia Poems


Paula’s hair looks like rats’ tails .
Oh that’s a simile
Esther estimated every elevation.
That’s alliteration, clearly
Ian’s head is a shed.
Call that a metaphor, my dear
All at once, whoosh, went the wind
Love that alliterative onomatopoeia




Dave is occupied in the wash room.
Euphemism, is what’s been penned
Verily I say, O wet pet
Is an odd ode spoke to a soaked sole friend
Could that be assonance just then and can the whole
Epigram, with imagery be acrostic in some way
So that’s all the POETICAL DEVICES , there’s nothing more to say
Jon Bratton 2009
For more, click the link




This 'poems containing Metaphors, Onomatopoeia, Alliteration, Assonance' blog page is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Sunday, 22 March 2009

Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni



Here's another poem I wrote for the new website


http://www.history-for-kids.com/


which compiles (bedtime) stories, written in rhyme, about events in history as a resource not only for parents but for teachers as well



Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni




Tonight’s (Today's) story is about a queen
But not a fragile little flower
In fact a tough brave woman
The first with Girl Power



Britain has produced many warriors
Men who fought to keep Britain free
But here’s the story of Warrior Queen Boudicca,
A famous name in history



She had great intelligence
In the opinion of some
She was tall, fierce faced and harsh voiced
And had red hair, right down to her bum



She wore a large golden necklace,
And multi-coloured tunic, and cloak
She led an uprising of the tribes
Against the Roman folk


Here’s why. Her husband, the King
Promised the Romans half his wealth and land
But when the King died
Things didn’t go quite as planned



Normal Roman practice
Regarding allied kingdoms applied
The kingdom became the property of Rome
When the current King died


The Romans took everything
When they came one day
Treating nobles as slaves
And acting in a very brutal way



The Britons were appalled
And thought the Romans had cheated
Also Queen Boudicca and her Princess daughters
Were badly mistreated

When people behave badly
That simply isn’t right
And the one who feels cheated
Is ready to fight


Queen Boudicca was furious
She had never been angrier
So she created an Iceni Army
Based in East Anglia

The Trinovantes, the neighbouring tribe
Also wanted to get rid
Of the Romans, who must be punished
For the awful thing they did


So they joined forces,
Led by the Queen
In, perhaps, the biggest army
The Britons had ever seen


The Druids in Wales revolted
This made the time right
While the Roman Governor was distracted
Now was the time to fight


Boudicca’s army was successful
With victories at Colchester town
St Albans and London
Which they completely burnt down


But when the Roman Governor returned
The Britons suffered a huge defeat
Beaten by the professional Roman Army
At the Battle of Watling Street




80,000 Britons were killed
Boudicca managed to survive
But she took poison so the Romans
Couldn’t capture her alive





She lives on in our memory
A bronze statue can be seen
In London, of brave, bold Boudicca
The mighty Warrior Queen




Jon Bratton 2009




If you want to read the story as a comic book...I recomment it, click the link








If you want more poems, click the link



Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni which takes you to a poem by William Cowper


or if you're really brave try reading


Alfred Lord Tennyson

And here's another Boudicca poem


©



This 'Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Spring has Sprung...while we slept

Historically spring starts on the day of the vernal equinox, which usually occurs on the night of 20/21 March. That was last night

Here's the famous Spring in the Bronx ditty that people all over the Northern Hemisphere English speaking world say at this time of year

Spring has sprung, the grass is ris,
I wonder where the boidies is
The boid is on the wing,
How absoid
The wing is on the boid!

It must be assumed that this is by Author Unknown..it is not Ogden Nash as is often alleged. Listen up allegators, Ogden had all his stuff published starting with

Spring Comes To Murray Hill
Ogden Nash
which goes


I sit in an office at 244 Madison Avenue
And say to myself
You have a responsible job havenue?
Why then do you fritter away your time on this doggerel?
If you have a sore throat you can cure it by using a good goggeral etc

He doesn't mention Spring but he does say


Oh, if I only had the wings of a bird
Instead of being confined on Madison Avenue
I could soar in a jiffy to Second or Third.

It is alleged Ogden Nash wrote

Spring has newly sprung
the hills are full of grass
and along comes a billy-goat
sliding on his overcoat
down the summer pass


but I don't think so. It doesn't sound Nashy enough to me. Now this sounds Nashy

Spring is what winta
Always gozinta.

Walking along the 4th fairway at my golf club the other day 'Spring has Sprung' popped into my head, as did this

The horse is on the hoof
Nonsense, of course
The hoof is on the horse
Jon Bratton 2009

Here's another variation on the theme

Spring has sprung, the grass has ris’,
I wonder where the birdie is?
There he is up in the sky,
He dropped some whitewash in my eye!
I‘m alright, I won’t cry,
I’m just glad that cows can’t fly!


~ Author Unknown ~

And another

Spring has sprung,
The grass has riz,
I wonder where the flowers is

And one more

Spring has sprung!", said the bumble bee.
"How do you know?", said the old oak tree.
"I just saw a daffodil blooming on a windy hill!"

Want more?


This 'Spring has Sprung...while we slept' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Friday, 20 March 2009

Roman Baths, Aqueducts, Engineering n things





Still on the subject of creating fun and learnable history for kids, as is the mission of



a website in the course of construction and which has commisioned me to write some contributions, my piece today was inspired by two gems I was reminded of /came across


a) the bit of script in the Life of Brian which goes something like this"All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us?"
and b) a funny piece of doggerel by an Australian who explained why the whole World ended up with railway carriages that run on tracks four feet eight and one-half inches wide. (The Stephenson Gauge or Standard Gauge)


Here is my poem


What the Romans Did for Us


Next time you're on a train
Notice how long and skinny they are
They're not much wider
Than your Daddy's car


You have to use a calendar
Because trains are thin
If you don't book a seat
They'll just not let you in


The Romans gave us our calendar
Which is very handy, coz
Without dates, you wouldn't know
When your birthday was


If you look out the train window
You might see tall arches over deep valleys
That's a Roman invented aqueduct
It's water that it carries


And if you're ill through overcrowding
Because the trains are thin
Say thanks to the Romans
For they brought us medicine


And the train will be safe from robbers
(Coz they're now all running banks)
For our system of law and order
The Romans deserve our thanks


If you're travelling in the Winter
You'll be cozy on the train
Because of the central heating
We can thank those Romans again


If you're travelling in the Summer
Thank the Romans for this too
For without the baths they invented
We'd all be Stinky Poo


If from the window, you see cars
And trucks with heavy loads
They'll be travelling fast and straight
Along what once were Roman roads


And in giving thanks to the Romans
Gratitude is what we say
Why, even that word is Roman
As are many, we speak today


And do you know why trains are skinny
Why they're not very fat
Well, we can blame the Romans..yes blame
We can blame them for that


Trains were made thin
To match the tramways in the street
They kept them the same width
To keep everything neat


The tramlines were that size
Because of the covered wagons before
They already had the manufacturing jigs
And they didn't want to make more




The wagons were that size
To match the ruts in the roads
Caused by the Romans with their chariots
Carrying heavy loads


The chariots were that size
Not very wide
To attach the shafts to two horses
Running side by side





The Romans should have used animals
Like an elephant or hippo or bull
If they'd had much bigger bottoms
Our trains wouldn't get so full


So next time your train arrives
And it's already full when it comes
Say loudly "All right... the Romans give us sanitation, roads, aqueducts,blah..blah...
But they should have used animals... ...with much bigger bums


Jon Bratton 2009


Links



For the Romans in Britain...a poem in 40 words, click the link
Roman Baths, Aqueducts, Engineering n things


©


This 'Roman Baths, Aqueducts, Engineering n things' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Hadrian's Wall Poem W H Auden

Dawn at Housesteads Fort. Early morning in Autumn 2006. Photo: Joan Thirlaway.


As a Hadrian's Wall poet, myself...since Tuesday gone, I'm delighted to be in the company of W H Auden who wrote 'Roman Wall Blues' and like me, mentioned the dodgy weather in bleak Northumberland.



Hadrian's Wall is the description most used all over the World to describe this edifice but I live near it and I can tell you that most folks round here call it the Roman Wall.



When I came across this poem by W H Auden who I thought was American I was surprised with the title...but I now know that Auden was born in York and in his formative years he attended a school in and around the Pennines.



Per Wikipedia "...his visits to the Pennine landscape and its declining lead-mining industry figure in many of his poems..." Rookhope is a former lead and fluorspar mining village in County Durham, in England. It first existed as a group of cattle farms in the 13th Century. It is situated in the Pennines to the north of Weardale and it is here that Auden realised he wanted to be a poet. So that nicely explains why his poem is entitled Roman Wall Blues and not Hadrian's Wall Blues


And speaking of 'Blues', a word he clearly likes, I know of Auden because of his "Funeral Blues" ("Stop all the clocks") which was read aloud in the film Four Weddings and a Funeral(1994). He also wrote Refugees Blues. It is likely that all these were originally written as blues song lyrics rather than poems per se

Anyway, here is the poem


Roman Wall Blues


Over the heather the wet wind blows,
I've lice in my tunic and a cold in my nose.


The rain comes pattering out of the sky,
I'm a Wall soldier, I don't know why.


The mist creeps over the hard grey stone,
My girl's in Tungria; I sleep alone.


Aulus goes hanging around her place,
I don't like his manners, I don't like his face.


Piso's a Christian, he worships a fish;
There'd be no kissing if he had his wish.


She gave me a ring but I diced it away;
I want my girl and I want my pay.


When I'm a veteran with only one eye
I shall do nothing but look at the sky.


W. H. Auden
©

This 'Hadrian's Wall Poem W H Auden' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers