Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Very Cold Poem

My partner inspired me to write this little ditty

Marg's fave expression is "Cold, Toldy, Wold"
Whenever there's a temperature drop
I tell her to conserve energy
"Just say cold, Marg... full stop
But if you must add something
This is what I'm betting
You'll feel better if you say cold
Preceded by the adjective 'effing'"
Jon Bratton 2012

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Definition of Assonance

Ever since 1983 when I saw the movie Educating Rita, my all time favorite film, I've been curious about the definition of Assonance. It didn't help that Michael Caine's character Prof Bryant in giving an example of assonance actually used a consonance. Nor did Julie Walter's character Rita help when she said assonance means "getting the rhyme wrong".
 You're probably thinking that I should get a life but to be fair I saw the movie 30 years ago and only this morning have I really tried to understand assonance. A few years back I read Stephen Fry's book An Ode Less Travelled and he covered partial rhymes, including assonance but I read it fueled by wine. I will read it again sober. Is it worth a read? you ask. Absolutely.  I couldn't fail to discourage you less.
As some will know I'm a rhymester rather than a poet but I have covered poetic devices before...
According to Wikipedia "Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds to create internal rhyming within phrases or sentences, and together with alliteration and consonance serves as one of the building blocks of verse. For example, in the phrase "Do you like blue?", the /uː/ ("o"/"ou"/"ue" sound) is repeated within the sentence and is assonant." A fuller example could be "Do you use blue hue, too?"
After several hours pootling around the internet I now understand it, and like it. Here's some easy to understand examples

"It beats . . . as it sweeps . . . as it cleans!"  slogan for Hoover vacuum cleaners

She's ferocious
And she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
(Lyrics to 'Bette Davis Eyes')

 "I must confess that in my quest I felt depressed and restless."
(Thin Lizzy, "With Love")


”West Beast East Beast” by Dr. Seuss
Upon an island hard to reach,
The East Beast sits upon his beach.
Upon the west beach sits the West Beast.
Each beach beast thinks he's the best beast.
Which beast is best?...Well, I thought at first,
That the East was best and the West was worst.
Then I looked again from the west to the east
And I liked the beast on the east beach least.

I've even written my own example, which goes

Why am I inclined to blink my eye?
Why does champagne make me squawk?
"It's bolliphobia" said QI's Fry
You fear the popping cork
(Jon Bratton 2012)

(I made up bolliphobia because until now there hasn't been a word for what is a common fear because there are about 2 dozen cork popping fatalities a's more common than spider bites and that fear has always had its own name)
By the way, my favorite TV show is QI and my favorite celebrity is Stephen Fry so I'm hoping that one day Stephen will raise the subject of bolliphobia because it is Quite Interesting
Anyhoo, that's the  definition of assonance  for you

Friday, 23 November 2012

Funny Sex Poems

Doing market research for the Vaseline Company

A man knocked at the door

A woman, with three small children, answered

He asked “Have you used Vaseline before?”

“Yes” she said “We use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what for?”

“We always use it for sex,” she said.

As she went to close the door

The researcher was a little taken aback. 

“People lie and say they use it after a child’s fall

Or for chapped lips or to lube a bicycle chain

But we know it’s used for sex, by almost all

 I admire your honesty and since you’ve been so frank 

Can you tell me exactly HOW you use it during a sex bout?”

She said, “My husband and I put it on the doorknob 

It helps to keep the kids out.”

Jon Bratton © 2012
(inspired by a joke by unknown author)


Thursday, 8 November 2012

Sexy Poem

Here's a sexy poem, wot I wrote

When a rancher died, his widow 

Was determined to make the ranch pay

There were two applicants for hired hand 

One a drunk, the other, gay

She hired the gay and was delighted

He was conscientious and worked like hell

And being very skilled, after a few short weeks

The ranch was doing well

The widow suggested her hired hand

Should have a night in town

When he returned the widow was relaxing

Wine glass in hand and hair let down

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she said.
"Now take off my boots. and now my socks,
And place them on my bed.”

"Now take off my skirt." slowly he unbuttoned it,
"Now my bra." It was low cut and wired
He was trembling,  as the widow barked
"If you wear my clothes again,  you're fired!"
What were you thinking? He was gay!

Monday, 22 October 2012

Funny Rhyming Poem

Old Dot said to her best pal Edna
“George has asked me out, you know
You went on a date with him last week,
So should I agree to go?”

Well, said Ed “He arrived promptly

He looked liked a gentleman, so tall
He brought flowers, and outside was a limo
Uniformed chauffeur and all.

We had dinner at a fancy restaurant
You should have seen the champers flow
He complimented me on my new evening dress
Then he took me off to a show.

On the way back, he ripped off my new dress
Three times, he made the limousine rock”
“So, I’ll not go?" said Dot, “Yes, go” said her friend
"Just be sure to wear an old frock"

Jon Bratton  © 2012

Monday, 15 October 2012

Valentine Poems They're Not

If you google ...washington post rhyme competition ... you'll get loads of websites telling you about a competition that the Washington Post ran a few years back and you'll see the 11 entries that get quoted on websites and in those emails that keep circulating round. Basically the competition was to come up with a very romantic first line and a very unromantic second line
I don't want to quote any of the entries here because Google will think this is just another 'me too' so here to illustrate is one that I just made up

I look into your eyes and see a love that’s true

Her name is Veronica. She’s why I’m leaving you

You get the idea. Try it yourself, it's fun. Anyway I got to thinking, could I do the same, but using first lines from William Shakespeare...who is more romantic than the Bard himself?

Here's what I came up with...forgive the slightly colourful language, which I use only in a way that Big Willy himself might have done

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?

Last Tuesday, for instance, wet, windy, cloudy and grey

Who taught thee how to make me love thee more
Sack him, for he’s failed miserably, that’s for sure

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,

With the emphasis on sweet...I’m leaving you tomorrow

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks 

Your morning face gives me the colliwobble shakes

If I could write the beauty of your eyes 

I’d just be telling whopping lies

Your eyes are lode-stars; and your tongue's sweet air

But your breath stinks and you’re shaped like a pear

The sweet silent hours of marriage joys

Are ruined by the noise of your vibrating toys

You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings,

And piss off, I’ve packed all your things

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo
I’m offsky with a wrangler from the rodeo
( try rhyming with Romeo!)

Valentine Poems they're not! 

But will they make it on to one of those circulating email thingys?

New Poem Blog

 Aren't I a blast from the past? I haven't posted for yonkers and I spend most of my time nowadays trying to regain my main website's position with is my main form of retirement income and I have been absolutely slaughtered in the past 12 months or so, with my income slashed to about one eighth of what it was 2 years ago.
Anyway, whinge over but I'm sure these words will strike a chord with many bloggers who may well have suffered similarly. I'd welcome comments from any bloggers and website publishers and I'd really be interested if there are any gainers. If there are losers, and many of my friends are losers there must be gainers out there, right?

I'm posting mainly to find out how the supposedly better format of blogger works. I must be getting grumpy because I no longer embrace change.

Anyway, my partner, who writes poems, under the name of margmax, and publishes them on 

has decided to create a blog. She is currently working on's not yet been published but here's the heads'll find it on

Do check it out and perhaps welcome her. She is a card maker and I know how you card makers stick together and support each other. As for me, I'm tuckered writing is strenuous so I'm off to do something altogether less tiring... 18 holes of golf. Fore!!