Friday, 27 February 2009

Poem Starting Roses are Red

Albeit Valentines Day is over, a poem starting roses are red is still appropriate because love poems transcend 14/02 or 02/14, and, tonight, on QI, Stephen Fry mentioned a poem...or is it just a couple of lines?... which went " "Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you." ~ Richard B Sheridan.

Isn't that romantic?

I am, truly, a romantic, and a search engine tart, who's been recently courting the Valentine trade. I've just done very well with a blog entry using the plural of Poem Starting Roses are Red and it's fair enough that I've exploited the plural by bringing you the singular as I present just a single verse. This is it

My beautiful roses are red
My gorgeous violets are blue
I invite you to my bed...
...of flowers
So they can admire you

Jon Bratton 2009

Now if you want to see more actual valentine messages, click on the link

This 'poem starting roses are red' blog page was inspired by Sheridan but copyright of me
Jon Bratton 2009

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings

Over the years I've written many wedding ceremony humorous readings in rhyming form which tend to 'roast' the couple, collectively and individually and finish off with nice stuff. It is difficult to write something that applies to all couples but parts can apply to most people

For example

Will you (Samantha) buy an expensive dress
That costs more than a week's wages
Hide it, and when (Alan) asks if it's new
Say 'this? no I've had it for ages'

Will you (Alan) leave up the toilet seat
According to Man's sacred law
And do you promise always to leave the wet towel
In a heap on the bathroom floor

A common theme in Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings is how long it took the Groom to propose

Congratulations (Samantha and Alan )
On this your wedding day
Would it happen this Millennium?
We've heard some cynics say

He acted like greased lightning
Dynamic, you know the kind
(9) years is all that it took
For (Alan) to make up his mind

Let's face it, (Sam) wasn't choosey
She admits it to herself
No spring chicken she feared that she'd
Be left up on the shelf

Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings continue with a bit about each...this is very specific to the people involved but here's stuff that could apply to most

Despite major differences
The pair found common ground
For example, his (big bum) matches her (big nose)
Or is it the other way round?

They share a love of (foreign hols)
They're (XYZ) and (AB) fans
Love flourished and so the two of them
Hatched their wedding plans

While (Samantha) thinks of kissing
When (Alan's) lips are pursed
His mind is on a can of (Bud )
To quench his prodigious thirst

(Samantha's) dad dropped lots of hints
Your own love nest would be nice
And eventually they moved to (Brentwood Street)
(96), to be precise

And there they started begatting
And all that luvvy dovey stuff
They must have been good coz in no time at all
(Samantha) was up the duff

Along came young David and James
To make their family complete
Or is it? Who knows what'll happen
The honeymoon starts toneet!

Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings usually comment on the main participants and could continue like so

Well, that's the potted history
So all that remains to say
Is thanks a lot (Alan and Samantha)
For a really smashin' day

We all agree the bride is beautiful
On the best day of her life
She walked down the aisle Miss Spinster
And back up it Mrs Wife

And if we didn't thank the bridesmaids
We really would fail
(Sophie and Hannah) you're beautiful
Like Princesses from a fairy tale

We should thank best man (Gary)
And (Jim), the bride giver away
And the mothers (Carole and Margaret)
Thanks for all you've done today

And thanks too to (Alan) the groom
Looking handsome as can be
And not forgetting the fat bloke reading the poem
So that's a thanks a lot to me

The ending of Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings should acknowledge the roasting/ribbing and be the nice stuff

We've been so very insulting
And we apologise for such
Have a very long and happy life
We love you very much


We're very proud of both of you
And this we'd like to say
God bless you both and best of luck
On this your special day

If ending in a toast

Finally, let's raise our glasses
To the stars of the day
(Alan and Samantha) may the days and years ahead
Be special in every way

Here's a link to more material

Royal Wedding Poem

Funny Mothers Day Poems

In 26 days it will be Mother's Day so it's time to bring you some of the funny mothers day poems (you be the judge of that) I have written over the years. This first one I wrote yesterday for Boss's day and then I realised it's just as good for mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters etc

If Oscars were given to mothers
I'd nominate you

If Olympic medals were won by mothers
Your Gold is overdue

If Nobel Prizes were awarded to mothers
You would have quite a few

If Honorary Degrees were granted to mothers
You'd have some of them too

Mother's Day Poems are given to mothers
And this is mine to you

Jon Bratton 2009

Funny Mothers Day Poems and Quotes

Funny Mothers Day Poems..are there any other kinds? Well yes, here's one about something very common these days...Grannies looking after Tots

Mum (Mom) you know I (we) rely on you
Perhaps more than I (we) ought
But I (we) really do appreciate
All your love and support

Have a really lovely Mother's Day
And may all your cards be beauties
Have a nice long rest before resuming
Your childminding duties

Which I (we) hope you find rewarding
Not in money terms, as such
But knowing that I (we) and the children
Love and appreciate you very much

Happy Mother's Day

Jon Bratton c 2006

Yet more Funny Mothers Day Poems what I have written

You're a Queen, Mother
(Forgive my clumsiness)
Have a right royal day
Your Mummsiness

Jon Bratton c 2004

Funny Mothers Day Poems, very short

Mum, you're very precious
Solid platinum
It's no wonder that I love you
To the maxi-Mum

Jon Bratton c 2004


History is littered
With many heroines
But none measure up to you
My dear Mummikins

Happy Mummikins Day

Jon Bratton c 2005


This 'Funny Mothers Day Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Monday, 23 February 2009

Bosses Day Poems

'Bosses Day Poems' is a popular search term and Boss's Day, held each year on 16 October, is a big event in USA although even there it is considered by some to be an observance too far.

I've seen it alleged that we observe it in the UK on 24th March but I haven't been able to confirm that.

It is certainly a popular search term and although there are lots of websites seeking the traffic I couldn't find any that actually provide any bosses day poems to speak of.

So to right a wrong I have written some and whilst they are for the free use of individuals for non commercial purposes, woe betide any website publishers who filch this material. I can detect plagiarism and will take action against any theft of intellectual property.

Here goes with my newly created Bosses Day Poems collection... I just rattled them off this morning

Thank you for tolerating
My occasional mistake
And for the blind eye you turn
When I dash in late

Thank you for your guidance
When the chips are down
And for getting no angrier
Than a somewhat stern frown

Thank you, in anticipation,
For a raise in my pay
Which I richly deserve
For sucking up to you in this overblown way
Oh, and Boss
Have a terrific Boss's Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's another in my Bosses Day Poems collection

Being the one in charge
Is definitely hard
And is sometimes thankless
Hence this card

Those who work with you
Wish to say
Thank you muchly
On Boss’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Poem # 3 of Bosses Day Poems

You always give your best
And inspire others to do likewise
That you are appreciated
Should come as no surprise

Your kind of leadership skills
Is a talent, that‘s true...
One that’s appreciated and valued
It’s good working for, and with, you.
Happy Boss’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Bosses Day Poems continues with this one

You inspire us, encourage us
And protect us from harm
You know when to turn up the heat
And when to stay calm

You direct us and praise us
And keep us on track
Consider this message
A hearty slap on the back

We really appreciate
All that you do and say
This comes with big thanks
To you, Boss, on your Boss's Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's the last of my Bosses Day Poems

If Oscars were given to bosses
I'd nominate you
If Olympic medals were won by bosses
Your Gold is overdue
If Nobel Prizes were awarded to bosses
You would have quite a few
If Honorary degrees were granted to bosses
You'd have some of them too
Thank You Very Much Poems are given to bosses
And this is mine to you

Jon Bratton 2009

For those seeking more boss appreciation poems here's a link

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Funny Rude Poems

Image from

Funny rude poems is another popular search term, I suspect, mainly sought by kids. Stuff I have written is intended to be funny but is probably not rude enough for, or cover the subjects of interest to, the average sub teenager. Anyway here goes the first in my funny rude poems collection

Why a cat is better than a man

A cat needn't be right all of the time
Or leave up the toilet seat
Or hog the TV remote control
Or complain if you turn up the heat

Or complain about your mother
Or grill you 'bout other cats you've known
Or feel the need to finish your sentences
Or complain if you use the phone

Or say you look better when wearing high heels
Or make jokes at your expense
Or proudly sport a beer belly
Yet still flirt o'er the garden fence

Or complain if its dinner comes out of a can
Or act like a baby when sick
Or need a rottweiler to make it feel macho
Or have its brain controlled by its dick

Jon Bratton © 2004
To finish here's some limericks which fit the category of funny rude poems. I didn't write them but I did adapt them to be rude rather than crude

I like blokes, be they Brown, Jones or Smith
Well my virtue is mostly a myth
Cos try as I can
I just can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with

A gay chap who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her 'little earner' with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

This 'Funny Rude Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Saturday, 21 February 2009

Funny Dirty Love Poems

Regular readers will know of my, some would say, obsession, I would say healthy interest, in search engine optimisation.

Funny Dirty Love Poems is a big search term and that's very understandable since, talking of obsession, the internet is truly obsessed with things dirty...dirty but not sexy.

So Funny Sexy Poems is never/rarely searched for and I, in my naivety five years back, created on my verses4cards website a page called Funny Sexy Poems which Google has now dropped. I thought it was taking the moral high ground, even though all the material is very mild mannered...this one, for example, I wrote as the flagship poem for that page

I'd like to scuttle your puttle
Spiddle your paddle
Tickle your wickle
And twittle your taddle

Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string
Brundle your strundle
And frondle your ding

See, I told you I'm completely nuts about you

Jon Bratton © 2004

I now realise that Google dropped it because funny sexy poems are never searched for and so I am republishing the material on this funny dirty love poems blog page to reassert my copyright.

Right now, as I write, if you google any part of the above verse you will find it being quoted by an individual on a forum somewhere or on facebook. These individuals would have copied from my webpage before it was dropped. If you want to visit the page yourself click on the link

In parting, here's another in my funny dirty love poems collection

The gift for you, I pondered thus
Was a ginormous hippopotamus
So you and I could ride
His hippo hide
While sitting on our bottomus
And, perhaps, since you've got him,
I should get one too....
Two ...hippopotami
Or we could just do it.. normal peopleli

Adapted by Jon Bratton © 2004 from somewhere


This 'Funny Dirty Love Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Friday, 20 February 2009

Short Inspirational Poetry

Short Inspirational Poetry can be used as a Thought of the Day, or woven into an inspirational speech or sermon. It was only 45 years ago that Martin Luther King said

“I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.”

I don’t think even he envisaged a black President in his own children’s lifetime
Here's my ditty entitled

Making a Difference

A million starfish
By the tide were landed
When the sun arose, they would die,
On the beach, stranded

A boy said he must help
I said the difference you can make is hardly any
It's a waste of time
There are just too many

He picked one up and threw it to the sea
In an instance, it was gone
Well, he said I think I've made a big difference...
To that little one

With due deference
I joined him,
Making a difference

It's just possible that one of those rescued,
This is my heartfelt wish,
Went on to become the President of the United States..
..of American Starfish

Jon Bratton 2008
(rhyme by me but based on a traditional concept)

I have a dream that this piece of short inspirational poetry will one day be quoted by the first black starfish President in his inaugural speech or,

Mr President, Barack Obama,
You are welcome to use it too
Goodness knows, you’ve got a lot
Of inspiring work to do

Here's a very very short inspirational poetry piece
The best vitamin for making friends, bar none

This short inspirational poetry blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009
Non commercial use of the material is authorised. It may be published on websites subject to a link back to this blog entry

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Funny Birthday Rhymes

Oh alright then, but in the 40 plus age group, who is the fairest of them all? for the image

Let's start this Funny Birthday Rhymes collection with this one by Author Unknown, topped and tailed by me. It is perfect for the Other Half's birthday if you have a perfect Other Half

OH with SOH
(other half with sense of humour)

I came across this birthday rhyme
Oh Boy, did I larf
I wondered 'Is it too risky
To send to my Other Half ?'

The author said 'it's perfect for an OH
But only if your OH's perfect, do you see?'
Well, I thought, my OH is perfect
So that's the poem for me

Of course, I love you darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So your bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell you, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle you
I can get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just lost their battle with gravity
But I know you did your best

I'm tellin' you the truth now
I never tell you lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on your thighs

I swear on my nana's grave
The moment that we met
I thought you were as good as I
Was ever gonna get

And what a perfect choice I made
I've got the perfect OH
With still a body to die for
And an enormous SOH
(I hope!!)

Happy Birthday, darling

(And what a perfect choice I made
If I'm to believe the rumour
You've still got the body that I die for
And a terrific sense of humour)

If this is not the perfect funny birthday rhyme for you here's more Funny Birthday Rhymes

This 'Funny Birthday Rhymes' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Flippin' Women Verses Keep Fit

Has anyone got any keep fit poems or could the budding poets out there write poems, verses to suit cards with these images. Prize for the best submitted
I've found some smashin' Flippin Women Verses

Click on the link

Flippin Women Verses are free to use non commercially
Jon Bratton 2009
Flippin' is the intellectual property of La Pashe and is used here with their express permission

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Flippin Women Verses

Flippin' Women was launched today.

Could you write a poem, verse for an image such as this? There are 20 images in the Flippin' women'll find them here
Prize for the best poems, verses submitted

Here's one for the lady who has just got up

This 'Flippin Women Verses' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers
Flippin' is the intellectual property of La Pashe and is used here with their express permission

Friday, 6 February 2009

Funny Mothers Day Poem

Funny Mothers Day Poem

Mothers Day
Is on its way

Here's the link to

Funny Mothers Day Poems

then come back for this funny Mothers Day poem

Little James is sent to bed by his mother...
Five minutes later, he says "Mum..." "What?" says she
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No James. You had your chance. Let it be"

Five minutes later "Mum..." "WHAT?" "I'm thirsty...
Can I have a glass of water??"
says he
"I told you NO! If you ask again
I'll spank you over my knee!!"

Five minutes later "Mummm..." "WHAT??!!"
(Getting annoyed, knowing she shouldn’t oughta)
"Mum, when you come in to spank me,
Can you bring me a glass of water?"

Here's another funny Mothers Day poem

As a kid, I was troublesome, bothersome, burdensome,
Wearisome, quarrelsome, and tiresome
In the lottery of life, I scored
I'm soooo glad you were so Mum-some

This 'Funny Mothers Day Poem' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Monday, 2 February 2009

What is the Quickest Way to Heal a Cut

What is the Quickest Way to Heal a Cut?
Those who are regulars readers will know that the only reason I am covering this seemingly bizarre subject is because the topic 'what is the quickest way to heal a cut' must be commonly searched for but not well catered for.
This is true but I accepted the challenge to see whether I could give good advice in rhyme, so here goes

The best way to clean a cut, scrape
Or puncture wound (such as from a nail)
Is under a running tap
Or with cool water from a pail

Use soap and a soft washcloth to clean the skin
But keep soap out of the wound. Any why?
Because soap can cause irritation.
Ever had some in your eye?

Bleeding helps clean out wounds.
So bleeding is good
It stops quickly although bleeding is longer on the face
Which is more rich in blood

To stop the bleeding, apply firm
But gentle pressure, at the cause
With a clean cloth or tissue
Or a piece of gauze.

If the blood soaks through the gauze or cloth
Don't take it off.
Just apply more pressure
And add another cloth on top

If your wound is on an arm or leg,
Raising it above your heart
Will help slow the bleeding
Right from the start.

If the wound needs covering
Use gauze and tape, Band-Aid or stall
If the wound won’t get dirty or be rubbed by clothing
It’ll heal quicker if not covered at all

Antibiotic ointments help healing
By keeping out infection and keeping the wound clean .
A bandage does pretty much the same thing
Without needing antibiotic cream

Cuts to the skin are rarely painful
Though lots of blood may make you feel sick
But if you follow the advice just given
Complete healing will be quick

If you want a second opinion follow this link

This 'What is the Quickest Way to Heal a Cut' poem is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Romantic Valentine Messages

St. Valentine's Day themed poems, just now being the norm
Here's some romantic Valentine messages, in rhyming form

I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Be mine forever.
Let’s live to the full
And grow old together

I am so happy we met!
I’m yours. You’re mine
You mean the world to me!
Please be my Valentine

Romantic Valentine Messages

My darling, you bring joy to my life.
How blessed am I, that you’re my wife

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
You’ve opened the doors of my heart.
Now walk on through

Love you loads and will always do.
We’re joined together by powerful glue

You’re the pillar of my life
And will always be
I was so blessed
When you were sent here for me


This 'Romantic Valentine Messages' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Valentine Card Sayings

Here's a bunch of Valentine Card Sayings I've written and/or adapted from Author Unknown material

I got you a bag and a belt for Valentine’s Day
The hoover is working again, hooray
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Valentine Card Sayings

I didn't marry someone I can live with
I married you, who I cannot live without.
Happy Valentine’s Day, darling
Valentine Card Sayings

If love is great, and there are no greater things,
Then what I feel for you must be the greatest.

Love is like playing the piano.
First you must learn to play by the rules,
Then you must forget the rules
And play from your heart.
Valentine Card Sayings

Within you, I lose myself.
Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again.

Love means nothing in tennis,
But it's everything in life.

More Valentine Sayings

What would it be like to swing on a star,
Or walk on a cloud?
Would it be anything like what I feel
Whenever you are near?
Valentine Card Sayings

A kiss is something you cannot give without taking
and cannot take without giving.

It takes more than lace and ribbons,
And lovely verses too,
To make a Valentine
Thats nice enough for you.

It takes a world of special thoughts,
Tucked into every line,
And that's exactly what you'll find
Inside this Valentine.
Valentine Card Sayings

Hopelessly devoted to you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I just can't stop loving you, by song titles
I’ve fallen in love many times…
Always with you.

If you love me
As I love you
Nothing can cut
Our love in two

There is no other
And I am he
That loves no other
And you are she

As I, in you
Have made my choice
So in the Lord
Let us rejoice

You never knew
A heart more true
As God saw fit
Our knot is knit

As long as life
Your loving wife
My love is true
To none but you

Till death depart
You have my heart
This 'Valentine Card Sayings' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers