Funny Sex Poems

Pic

Doing market research for the Vaseline Company


A man knocked at the door

A woman, with three small children, answered

He asked “Have you used Vaseline before?”

“Yes” she said “We use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what for?”

“We always use it for sex,” she said.

As she went to close the door

The researcher was a little taken aback. 

“People lie and say they use it after a child’s fall

Or for chapped lips or to lube a bicycle chain

But we know it’s used for sex, by almost all

 I admire your honesty and since you’ve been so frank 

Can you tell me exactly HOW you use it during a sex bout?”

She said, “My husband and I put it on the doorknob 

It helps to keep the kids out.”

Jon Bratton © 2012
(inspired by a joke by unknown author)

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Funny Sex Poems

Funny Rude Poems

Image from http://www.cafepress.com/tuffkitty/993311

Funny rude poems is another popular search term, I suspect, mainly sought by kids. Stuff I have written is intended to be funny but is probably not rude enough for, or cover the subjects of interest to, the average sub teenager. Anyway here goes the first in my funny rude poems collection

Why a cat is better than a man

A cat needn't be right all of the time
Or leave up the toilet seat
Or hog the TV remote control
Or complain if you turn up the heat

Or complain about your mother
Or grill you 'bout other cats you've known
Or feel the need to finish your sentences
Or complain if you use the phone

Or say you look better when wearing high heels
Or make jokes at your expense
Or proudly sport a beer belly
Yet still flirt o'er the garden fence

Or complain if its dinner comes out of a can
Or act like a baby when sick
Or need a rottweiler to make it feel macho
Or have its brain controlled by its dick

Jon Bratton © 2004

To finish here's some limericks which fit the category of funny rude poems. I didn't write them but I did adapt them to be rude rather than crude

I like blokes, be they Brown, Jones or Smith
Well my virtue is mostly a myth
Cos try as I can
I just can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with

A gay chap who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her 'little earner' with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

More funny rude poems

This 'Funny Rude Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Funny Dirty Love Poems

Regular readers will know of my, some would say, obsession, I would say healthy interest, in search engine optimisation.

Funny Dirty Love Poems is a big search term and that's very understandable since, talking of obsession, the internet is truly obsessed with things dirty...dirty but not sexy.

So Funny Sexy Poems is never/rarely searched for and I, in my naivety five years back, created on my verses4cards website a page called Funny Sexy Poems which Google has now dropped. I thought it was taking the moral high ground, even though all the material is very mild mannered...this one, for example, I wrote as the flagship poem for that page

I'd like to scuttle your puttle
Spiddle your paddle
Tickle your wickle
And twittle your taddle

Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string
Brundle your strundle
And frondle your ding

See, I told you I'm completely nuts about you

Jon Bratton © 2004

I now realise that Google dropped it because funny sexy poems are never searched for and so I am republishing the material on this funny dirty love poems blog page to reassert my copyright.

Right now, as I write, if you google any part of the above verse you will find it being quoted by an individual on a forum somewhere or on facebook. These individuals would have copied from my webpage before it was dropped. If you want to visit the page yourself click on the link

funny dirty love poems

In parting, here's another in my funny dirty love poems collection

The gift for you, I pondered thus
Was a ginormous hippopotamus
So you and I could ride
Astride
His hippo hide
While sitting on our bottomus
And, perhaps, since you've got him,
I should get one too....
Two ...hippopotami
Or we could just do it..
..like normal peopleli

Adapted by Jon Bratton © 2004 from somewhere

©

This 'Funny Dirty Love Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers