Saturday, 31 January 2009

Valentine Verse

Old-Fashioned Valentine Verse

Here's a Valentine Verse that's been around forever

I asked God for a rose and he gave me a garden.
I asked God for a drop of water and he gave me a lake.
I asked God for an angel and he gave me you
Be my Valentine

Another classic Valentines Verse

If I could change the alphabet,
I‘d put U and I together!

Words begin with ABC.
Numbers begin with 123.
Music begins with do, re, mi.
And love begins with you and me!

If I could be any letter in the alphabet,
I'd choose "v" so I can be next to "u"

If you could be any note,
I’d like you to be"re"
So you're always next to "me"

Yet another St. Valentine's Verse that's been around the block

I love you, I love you, I love you almighty!
I wish your pajamas were next to my nightie!
Now dont be mistaken... dont be misled...
I mean on the clothes line not on the bed!!

A Valentine Verse of old

I love you not because of who you are,
But because of who I am
When I am with you.

Valentine Poetry

A Valentine PoetryVerse your Grandmother used

If, out of time, I could pick one moment
And keep it shining, always new,
Of all the days that I have lived,
I'd pick the moment I met you.

A Valentine Verse that's stood the test of time

Nobody tells
Fish to swim,
Birds to fly,
Cows to moo,
Dogs to bark
They just do.
Nobody tells me
To love you.
I just do!

A Valentine Poem that started life as a Carpenters song

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

This is the last of the old time Valentine Verses for now

Love is like a golden chain
That links our hearts together
And if you ever break that chain
You’ll break my heart forever
Love is like a cloud
Love is like a dream
Love is one word
And everything in between
Love is a fairytale come true
I found love when I found you.

This 'Valentine Verse' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Friday, 30 January 2009

Funny Valentine Poems

Funny Valentine Poems

I came across a Valentine joke which I have woven into a poem as the first entry in my Funny Valentine Poems collection

I’m good at buying presents
(Remember last year’s little toy)
(Last year’s present brought you joy)
Well here’s a poem about what can go wrong
If you’re a right Charlie boy

Charlie decided to buy his new girlfriend,
A special gift for Valentine
He discounted flowers, chocolates
Furs, jewellery, liquor or wine

Gloves, he thought, would be perfect
(He’s a very romantic sort)
He took his sister with him to make sure
The best girlie gloves were bought

With his sister’s advice Charlie purchased
A really lovely pair,
And Charlie's sister decided to purchase
A pair of panties for herself, while there.

Each purchase was wrapped and then mixed up
As oft happens, under Murphy’s Law
(sometimes Sod's law or Finagle's law.)
Charlie mailed the parcel to his girlfriend
With a note “To the girl I adore”

The note went on “I chose this particular gift
And I hope that you approve
Coz I noticed that you often don't wear any
These ones are short and easy to remove
The lady at the store where I bought them
Showed me the pair she’s been wearing
I had her try on yours for me
They looked nice, if a little bit daring.

When you take them off, remember
To blow on them before putting them away
As they will naturally be a little damp
From wearing them all day.

I hope you'll wear them Friday night
Whether it’s frosty or whether it pours
And you can, of course, remove them
As soon as we’re back indoors"

What a right Charlie he is
I’ve got you a present, with taste
I hope this edible, gusseted, tasselled thong
Isn’t too tight around the waist

More Funny Valentine Poems here

This 'Funny Valentine Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Valentines Phrases

Now some of you came for Valentines Phrases and I've got plenty and they're can have 'em cos they're not mine... they belong to Author Unknown, who in my opinion is the best writer on t'internet.
So, here we go

May happiness come your way...
On this Valentine's Day!

Here is a Valentine for you...
Best wishes in all you do!


Je t'aime is what a Frenchman says
Te quiero is the Spanish way
It’s Ti amo in Italian
I love you is what I say
I love you every minute
Every second, to be precise
When I count my blessings,
(and I often do)
I always count you twice.

Ven a dormir conmigo: no haremos el amor. Él nos hará.
Julio Cortázar in Spanish
In English: Come and sleep with me: we won't make love. It will make us.


Is tú grá geal mo chroí.
Irish for
You are the bright love of my heart.


This Valentines Phrases' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Short Valentines Poems

Looking for short valentines poems? You've come to the right place...for here are the shortest valentinest poems on the planet. OK, they could be shorter, but they couldn't be more valentiny

I love you with no rhyme nor reason.
I love you, till pigs do fly
And the reason why?
No reason why
I just do
have a cocktail


This is a short valentine poem
For you I have written
Cos with all consuming love
I've been smitten
And when I say smitten I mean everywhere
There's one bit, particularly smit
But let's not go down there
Be my Valentine

Short Valentines Poems

My Valentine, I love thee
More than a dog loves a tree
More than a lumberjack
Loves a cucumber snack
Or a fish loves staying wet
More even than
Romeo loved Juliet

I love you more
Than a clown loves being funny
Or a miser loves saving money
Or Hitler loved making war
My Valentine,
I adore you more
Than an aardvark loves ants
I've a stirring in me......mind

For the right words,
I'm grasping,
This poem could go on forever
Like us
I'm hoping
Be my Valentine

Short Valentines Poems

Funny Valentines Poems

Plenty of love,
Tons of kisses,
Hope some day,
To be your Mrs.
My Darling Valentine


I love you, verily
Verily, verily much
Be my Valentine


I'll love you until the cows come home.
I'll love you, till the moon is blue
And the reason why?
I lurrve you
I just do
another cocktail

Short Valentines Poems

I'm o'er brimming with love's fever
All atingle, aroused, excited
And you should see the state of me troth
It's well and truly plighted
Be my Valentine

That's yer lot, but stay tuned to this blog for I am just an old sentimentalist
Oh, alright
I mean to milk this topic for all it's worth
This 'Short Valentines Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal purposes but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers. Steps have been taken to detect plagiarism and breach of copyright will be actioned

Monday, 26 January 2009

Poems Starting Roses are Red

Image from

Valentine's Day is hurtling towards us and, hungry for traffic for this newish blog, I'm concentrating on Valentine Poems because I know there will be a huge number of searches in the next couple of weeks.
Poems starting Roses are Red are favoured by young folk because the -eu- sound of blue rhymes with 'you' which makes it easy to compliment or insult the recipient

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Say anything you like cos it doesn't have to rhyme with anything
1. And so are you
2. And you make two
3. And you are too
4. And so do you
5. And that's true of you
6. That's why I love you
7. I'm addicted to/obsessed with/in love with/you

Check out these Poems Starting Roses are Red

Here's a few more I've penned

Roses are red
Violets are blue
When they dished out brains/intelligence/IQ/good looks/common sense/ability
You were (last) (first) in the queue

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I made this card
Just for you
It's not the neatest,
It wouldn't pass a test
But it's made with love-
That makes it the best

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue
It's Valentines Day
And I love you

Today I'm asking
If you'll be mine
Please say yes (Harry)...
Be my Valentine

The rest, suitable perhaps for Valentine cards, are risque

If you're easily offended, don't read on

Rose are red
Violets are blue
Meet me at Specsavers
For a right seeing to

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am a ram
And I love ewe
(And I screw ewe)

Rose are red
Violets are blue
You can put your sausage
On my barbecue

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Do you fancy an African Grey?
Or a Cockatoo?

Roses are red
Daffodils are yellow
I'm off to bed
Won't you be my bed fellow?

Violets aren't blue, they're violet
And only some roses are red
Let's continue this biology lesson
Ensconsed in your comfy bed

Roses are red
Books are read
Let's go read in bed

More Poems Starting Roses are Red

A little bit bad but it's original material and t'internet needs some original material.


This 'Poems Starting Roses are Red' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Sunday, 25 January 2009

Roses Red Poems

This has done the email rounds but in this run up to St. Valentine's Day it is worthy of another outing

Red roses were her favorites,
Her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them,
Tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses
Were delivered to her door.
The card said, “Be my Valentine”,
Like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses,
And the note would always say,
“I love you even more this year,
Than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow,
With every passing year.”
She knew this was the last time
That the roses would appear.

Roses Red Poems for Valentines Day

She thought, he ordered roses
In advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know,
That he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early,
Way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy,
Everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them
In a very special place.
She sat the vase of roses
By the portrait of his face.
She would sit for hours,
In her husband’s favorite chair.
While staring at his picture,
And the roses sitting there.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

A year went by, and it was hard
To live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude,
That had become her fate.
And then on Valentines
Just as before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses,
Sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then
Just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone,
To call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and then
She asked him to explain,
Who would do this to her,
Causing so much pain?

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

“I know your husband passed away,
More than a year ago,”
The owner said, “I knew you’d call,
And you would want to know.
The flowers you received today,
Were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,
He left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order,
That I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance,
You’ll get them every year.
There also is another thing,
That I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card…
He did this years ago.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

Then, should ever I find out
That he’s no longer here,
That’s the card…that should be sent,
To you the following year.”
She thanked him and hung up the phone,
Her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly
Reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he
Had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,
This is what he wrote…
“Hello my love, I know it’s been
A year since I’ve been gone,
I hope it hasn’t been too hard
For you to overcome.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

I know it must be lonely,
And the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way,
I know how I would feel
The love we shared made everything
So beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say,
You were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover,
You fulfilled my every need.
I know it’s only been a year,
But please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy,
Even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses
Will be sent to you for years.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

When you get these roses,
Think of all the happiness,
That we had together,
And how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you
And I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on,
You have some living still.

Please…try to find happiness,
While living out your days.
I know it is not easy,
But I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year,
And they will only stop,
When your door’s not answered,
When the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day,
In case you have gone out.
But after his last visit,
He will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place,
Where I’ve instructed him,
And place the roses where we are,
Together once again.

Jon Bratton 2009
but note: this piece is by Author Unknown

Roses are Red Poems

This fantastic roses and violets picture is from

Roses are red poems... well, that's just utter nonsensical shit
Roses are flowers...that's a bridge...get over it
Poems about roses being red are doggerel at its worst
In 1590 Sir Edmund Spenser wrote this first

"She bath'd with roses red, and violets blew,
And all the sweetest flowres, that in the forrest grew".
(notice the appalling spelling)
It has spawned Valentine poems ever since
Enough to make every person over 16, wince
So why have I embarked upon this task?
My regular readers are entitled to ask

My piece entitled Roses are red poems continues....

Valentine's Day is Worldwide, you see
And 'roses are red' poems, obligatory
I'm perfectly willing to prostitute my art
For, as you well know, I'm a search engine tart

Roses are red, violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And I am too
Roses are often white, violets can be pink
It's time to end with this link, I think
Link coming after this

Roses are read,
Please do read my message spelt out with roses
I did it when I was sozzed
It wasn't easy to do
When I was writing 'prick'
I was'ed.

Roses are Red Poems

Lancastrian roses are red
Yorkshire roses are white
Don't even think to copy and paste
This is all my copyright
Jon Bratton © 2009

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Burns Night Speeches

Burns Night Speeches

There's no hard and fast rules about Burns Night speeches but Burns Nights do tend to have one thing in common, summarised by this little ditty by me

Do the Scots like to drink?
Was Hitler fond of war?
At the end of a Burns Night
They're all flat out on the floor

Burns Night Speeches begin usually with Grace (and end often in disgrace)

Some hae meat and canna eat;
And some wad eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat
And sae the Lord be thankit.

Coming next in the Burns Night Speeches is usually the Address to a Haggis

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!

Burns Night Speeches include the
Immortal Memory
One of the guests gives a short speech, celebrating aspects of Burns' life or poetry. This should be entertaining, generally light hearted but there will be Burns Nights held which are intensely serious. Avoid these at all costs unless you are one of those Scots whose company most Scots would seek to avoid
The Immortal Memory finishes with a toast to Robert Burns which is just one of many drinks consumed during the evening.

To Rabbie Burns...drink, drink

The Burns Night Speeches usually continue with a Toast to the Lassies
This is a short speech given by a male guest, normally amusing, thanking women for preparing the food, extolling the virtues of women generally and ending in a toast which of course involves inbibing alcohol. The astute ones among you will have spotted the emergence of a theme.

To the Lassies...drink, drink

It's only right and proper that this should be followed by a reply from the lassies, proposing a Toast to the Laddies.

There is a lack of material out there so I have adapted a Toast to the Lassies, which hopefully won't offend the original author, credited below

My you laddies can be a curious pest
Ay'ways chunterin' on when we need rest.
If we disagree, you ay'ways ken best
Then the silence is lang.
Then begins the game where we huv' tae guess
What we did wrang
In time o' need
When you need to answer nature's ca'
You jist pee agin the wa'
We huv tae go alang twa by twa
Like there's a tether.
Then stand in line for hours, an a'
Jist fur a blether.
When we're stappit fu' wi' cold or flu,
Or a fever that we can't subdue,
We pray some tenderness may ensue,
But where's the fuss?
When laddies get sick one thing is true
They're no as ill as us!
But chief among your faults sae heinous,
Is the obsession o' the penis,
The whean o' pleasure it hae gein us,
We're aye glad now the mighty phallus
Has its uses.
Inspiring bold John Thomas's wan e'e
Is still nature's prime necessity
In the race of life tae pregnancy,
Agin the body's clock.
Where would we be if no fur thee,
Tick-tock, tick-tock!
A man needs a wife when he comes hame.
Fair scunnered sittin' there on his ain,
A bachelor's life is such a shame,
The puir wee thing,
He needs a lassie tae tak' his name,
Mak his hert sing.
I've never seen a more handsome sight,
Than the laddies gathered here tonight.
Rabbie himself would agree I'm right.
This I know.
In better words he'd show his delight,
And tell you so.
So here's tae our laddies, let’s be fair,
Whether blond or black, or lack o' hair.
There known as friends 'n' lovers 'n' mair
than hopeless dancers.
Its' a' we can dae no tae stop and stare,
Like glaikit chancers!
Yes, here's tae our laddies.
May you aye be near.
Lassies, please lift your wine or beer
And with one voice and hearty cheer
At times they’re baddies,
But where would we be if they weren't here?

To the Laddies...drink, drink

Original work by Alisdair Smith of Dunblane, Scotland. January 2002.

Not just to consume another drink but more in tribute to the Bard, a toast could be proposed to, say, a Fart, in the style of The Man Himself's tribute
To A Mouse, which starts

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Tae A Fert

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie.
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin,
There sterts to stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,
Stert workin like a gentle breeze.
But soon the puddin' wi the sauncie face,
Will have ye blawin' all ower the place.
Nae matter whit ye try tae dae,
A'bodys gonnae have tae pay.
Even if ye try to stifle,
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair,
Tae try and stop the leakin' air.
Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek,
Pray tae God it doesny reek.
But aw yer efforts go assunder,
Oot it comes ? a clap o' thunder.
Ricochets aroon the room,
Michty me, a sonic boom!
God almighty it fairly reeks,
Hope I huvnae pooed ma breeks!
Tae the loo I better scurry,
Aw who cares, its no ma worry.
A'body roon aboot me chokin,
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while,
Cannae help but raise a smile.
"Wis him!" I shout with accusin' glower,
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower!
"Ye dirty thing!" they shout and stare,
I don't feel welcome any mair.
Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free,
Sounds like just the job fur me.
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty,
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty!!!

Let's toast the fart,

To the Fart... drink, drink

Perhaps next in the Burns Night Speeches could come

Tam o' Shanter.

WHEN chapman billies leave the street,
And drouthy neebors, neebors meet;

To Tam...drink, drink

The Burns Night speeches could continue with a Toast to the Downcoming of a Sassanach

To the downcoming of a Sassanach ...drink, drink

And next in the Burns Night Speeches could be a Toast, thusly

Help ma boab, I'm feeling drouthy, thorsty
I propose a toast to a...
to a...
to a toastie

To a toastie...drink, drink

And so it continues until everyone is thoroughly

toasted...drunk, drunk

For more Burns Night speeches, here's a link

Burns Night this year is this coming Sunday 25th January and that's only a fortnight or so from St Valentine's Day so let's seamlessly link into the next few blogs, which will concentrate on Valentine Poems, by finishing with Rabbie's poem/song lyrics

My Love is Like a Red Red Rose

O, my love is like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my love is like a melody,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.
As fair thou art, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I,
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.
Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun!
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands of life shall run.
And fare the weel, my only love!
And fare the well awhile!
And I will come again, my love.
Tho it were ten thousand mile!

Jon Bratton © 2009

Monday, 19 January 2009

Flipping Men Decoupage Sheets

I've just watched Create and Craft's programme on Flipping Men decoupage sheets, starring Jak and the presenter said that Flipping Women were coming soon so I thought I'd invite you to submit verses/poems to suit the images for details of Flippin' Women Decoupage Sheets

I am aware that I have misspelt Flippin' by adding a G but I am expecting lots of folk to misspell it when searching on Google or Yahoo.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Flippin' Men Verses Housework

Has anyone got a poem that would suit this image?

Free poems, verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe
Jon Bratton 2008.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Flippin' Men Verses DIY

Free poems, verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe
Jon Bratton 2008.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Flippin' Men Verses Decorating

The right to the original verse was sold. This is a different one I wrote
Today on your birthday
Leap out of bed
Don your best dungarees
And paint the town red

Have a splashing day

Free poems, verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe
by Jon Bratton 2008.

Monday, 12 January 2009

Principal Retirement Poems

This image was used on the framed tribute presented to the retiring principal. It is by Jim Harker

These Principal retirement poems were written for specific people but there are generic verses which can be used and others can be adapted

The Principal's (Headmaster's) Dilemma

Should I continue rigging league tables
Or retire early instead
I'm afraid the school's lost the race
By just a short head

A raspberry to the (Community Members) (Governors) Report
Difficult parents know what they can do
I'm off to play a bit of golf
Err...and scrub a floor or two

Oh dear...I'll have to do the housework
Scrubbing floors and all that stuff
'Cos (the significent other) (her indoors) will have to work
The pension's not enough

This retirement lark's not easy
There's no gain without the pain
It can't be golf AND gardening
My knees won't stand the strain

That's an awful lot to do
I'm far too old to retire
This retirement needs a review

Should I stick to my cushy number
Or vacuum and tend the soil?
I'll let the flip of a coin decide
Is it a Head or Toil?

More Principal Retirement Poems

Tribute to Principal

James, you're a very caring (guy)(bloke)
A principal with principles, so true
You (cycle), (drink) and (play guitar)
Not an easy thing to do

Your love of Central America
Can be seen on what you wear
It's an odds on bet, to say you are
Just a little left of Blair

You're big on sport and keeping fit
And on America's Cuban flop
You're big on Education
You're just very big...full stop

You fast on all your white days
And have red and green days too
And you're also fond of the light brown days
When you sup a pint or two

This tribute's endorsed by all the staff
And your friends, of which there's many
The Government saved a quid or two
But squandered a good Penney

Principal Retirement Poems express the same sentiments as teacher appreciation/thank you/retirement poems and thank you poems when the teacher/principal stays but the student leaves. This next one is adapted from a sudent leaving poem I wrote a couple of years back

To mark your retirement
We'd like to tell you how we feel;
Our heartfelt appreciation
Is deeply felt and real.

You're a really great principal/teacher/manager
That's what we all say
And as a Thank You for all you've done
We're giving you an A

On second thoughts that's not enough
For helping all of us.
So you get this THANK YOU,
As well as this A PLUS

No, that's not enough either
For the principal that you are
You get this Thank You, an A+
As well as this GOLD STAR

Enjoy many years of retirement

Jon Bratton © 2005

These Principal Retirement Poems are by Jon Bratton
They are copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. They are free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Toasts for 40th Birthday.

Toasts for 40th Birthday

Did you come here to find material to propose just a short toast. There’s nothing wrong in keeping it brief and to the point. Some of the best toasts are just a few lines.

Toasts for 40th Birthday…Example of Short Toast

I would like to thank all of you for joining us in the celebration of (Jack's) (Jill’s) 40th birthday.
Special thanks to (Jack‘s) folks, it's really great to see you. I would like to thank (Jack) for being in, and for making, my life for the past 15 years and I am sure all of you join me in wishing (Jack) a happy 40th birthday.

You’re only half way there (Jack) and may your next 40 years be filled with health, joy and prosperity

So please raise your glasses
To (Jack)

Or are you making a speech, followed by a toast?

Many Toasts for 40th Birthday Are Preceded by a Speech

Most speeches about turning 40 use getting old/over the hill humour and there’s lots out there.

Here’s a link to a set of getting old jokes woven into a funny poem

And here’s a link to more

Toasts for 40th Birthday can Concentrate on the Acquisition of Wisdom

Here’s a bunch more I’ve compiled, this time concentrating on the fact that...
With age comes wisdom/experience/nous/street cred/moxie/savvy/
...Forty is not the ultimate F-Word…
After 40, (Jack)(Jill), you’ll learn that you can live without sex but not without your glasses.

You’ll begin to realise that it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission,
that for every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme and that
Men Are From Earth and Women Are From Earth so just deal with it.
Oh and you will just accept as fact that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques

It will dawn on you that the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits and fewer things will seem worthwhile waiting in (a queue) (line) for.
You’ll get philosophical and accept that some days you're the dog; some days you're the (lamp post)(hydrant),
that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed and that
if it weren't for stress you’d have no energy at all

Toasts for 40th Birthday continued…

You’ll develop a love for cooking with wine and sometimes you may even put some in the food. Broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist will change places, any time soon.

What will now become obvious is that newspapers are a total waste of money since they have little to do with true news.

You’ll have realised that
aliens have not suddenly made all pet dogs attack babies, in the Summer..during the slow news days and that

there’s not millions more pervs than there used to be
etc...come up with your own

You’ll see the light, and realise for example that 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep,
that junk is something you keep for years and then throw it away moments before you need it….
that experience is a wonderful thing as it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.. .
that by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends…American Express, that'll do nicely but when in your education did any one say watch out for a World Wide Credit Crunch........
and that you should learn from the mistakes of others because you just can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

And Overnight, Jill, you’ve become a WOW … a Wiser Older Woman
Overnight, Jack, you’ve become a WOW…a Wiser Older Wimp…just watch how slow you start to drive
Enough, already it’s time to make a toast

This 40th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use
40th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 50th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Good Turning 40 Jokes

The following good turning 40 jokes were gathered for the long poem I published yesterday...since transferred to another site. These were the jokes I didn't use in the rhyme

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

Travelling to see historical sites isn't as much fun when many of the sites are younger than you are.

Good turning 40 jokes stand alone or combined to form a speech

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

Conversations with people your own age often become a duel of ailments.

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

All of your favourite movies are now re-released in colour.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory

Before crossing a room you look both ways.

Another batch of good turning 40 jokes to stand alone or combined to form a speech

You sing along with the elevator music.

Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Last batch of less good turning 40 jokes stand alone or combined to form a speech

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

You start video taping daytime game shows

When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

You start hesitating in deleting those blue pill emails that you get…you know the ones where you wonder whether everyone gets them or whether you are being singled out

If you want to see the turning 40 jokes that were used in the poem, click on this link
And now, here's the lyrics to a great song which contains many good turning 40 jokes. Read the lyrics and then see the performance of the song by Tom Rush by clicking on the YouTube link

Looking for my wallet and my car keys
Well they can’t have gone too far;
And just as soon as I find my glasses
I’m sure I’ll see just where they are.
Supposed to meet someone for lunch today,
But I can’t remember where
Or who it is that I am meeting:
It’s in my organiser ~ somewhere.
I might have left it on the counter;
Maybe outside in the car.
Last time I remember driving
Was to that Memory Enhancement Seminar.
More Good Turning 40 Jokes

What's that far-off distant ringing
and that strangely familiar tone?
Must be the person I am meeting
Calling me on my brand new cordless ‘phone.
I might have left it under the covers,
Or maybe outside on the lawn;
And I’ve got just one more ring to go
Before my answering machine kicks on.
“Hi, this is Tom and your call means a lot to me,
So leave a message at the tone
And I’ll do my best to try to remember
To call you back when I get home.”
“Tom, this is Gwendoline,
and I am trying not to cry
But I’ve been waiting here for over an hour ~
I thought you loved me. This is goodbye!
”Hell, the voice sounds familiar,
And the name it rings a bell.
Let’s see now, where was I?
Oh well...
Tom Rush.

This 40th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use
40th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 50th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

Friday, 9 January 2009

40th Birthday Rhymes

If you came here yesterday you would not have seen what you see now. You would have seen 40th Birthday Rhymes
If you are looking at this for the first time you might be thinking that the title doesn't match the content
Let me explain
Yesterday I published a longish Over the Hill Birthday poem, comprising many four line rhymes, any of which could be used in isolation or used together as a complete poem suitable for a 40th speech, toast or certificate. Here's the illustration I used and a taste of the rhymes

Image by This is a website well worth a visit

Now that you've turned 40
Much of the following is true of you
And fair enough you’re not yet over the hill
But the hilltop’s now in view

Or it would be, if you got some specs
For your rapidly fading eyes
Already your supply of brain cells
Is down to a manageable size.

If you want to read the whole poem it's now been transferred to another website of mine and I'll give you the link at the end. If you're interested in Search Engine Optimisation stay with me for now. If you're only seeking 40th Birthday Rhymes jump down to the bottom of the page.

Within a quarter of an hour of publishing it, it was on page 2 of the Google search engine results. Disappointing because I had expected it to be on page 1..that's happened often and this time I really went for the keywords... 40th Birthday be included to the maximum density, without spamming. I've read many times that you can go for the keyword(s) being used 5 times in every hundred words ie a density of 5%
So I did that.
My four line verses usually have 25 words there or thereabouts so if I was to have a density of say 4% to be on the safe side I could use the search term at the end of each verse ie saying it 4 times for each 100 words
Well it felt like I was spamming. It was completely unnatural, it would be irritating to humans and I had grave doubts that it would be acceptable to the Googlebot (Google's spider/robot).... but it was worth the experiment provided I was reasonably satisfied that, if this one blog entry was perceived to be spamming then only this one entry would be penalised not the entire site.
In the next 24 hours not a single person arrived using the search term and how could that be so when it was on Page 2 of the search results? So I checked and found that the blog entry had been damned to oblivion, presumably almost immediately, since there weren't any visitors even early on

So, let that be a lesson to us all. If it feels like spamming it probably is and you will pay the price.
A few lines from here is the link to the original poem. When you go there you'll see that 40th Birthday Rhymes is mentioned at the end of each set of four verses of four lines. The host of that website has an analyse facility and it regards that density to be good

I've highlighted each time I've used the keyword phrase 40th Birthday Rhymes in this piece and overall it looks about right to me. We'll see how long it takes Google to forgive me

40th Birthday Rhymes

And if that wasn't enough here's more good stuff

This 40th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use
40th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 50th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Flippin' Men Verses Cycling

This was written at a specific request for a 70 year old cycling Dad

On your 70th birthday, some might say it's time?
To park it up for good, Dad
But you'll be cycling till you're eighty
It seems a tad more than a fad, Dad

Keep on keeping on
Congratulations on biking it to the Big Seven-0

This Flippin Men Verses Cycling blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009 but the verse may be used for private non commercial purposes

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

40th Birthday Sayings

Welcome to 40th Birthday Sayings which I have created by adapting some well known quotes to be more readily used on a birthday card or as part of a speech or toast
Here is the first batch

At 40 you’ve got your head together but your body is starting to fall apart.

At Forty you’re at the old age of youth, entering the youth of old age

At 40 you are approaching the dead centre of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush to the net.

At 40 you have a lot to be thankful for. Isn’t it nice that wrinkles, greying hair, thinning hair and developing belly doesn't hurt

My 40th Birthday Sayings blog entry continues with these

You know you've reached 40 when a doctor, not a policeman, tells you to slow down, all you exercise are your prerogatives and it takes you longer to rest than to get tired.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation - at your age now it will start avoiding you.

At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment. ~Benjamin Franklin

At your age now you should become a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative Mathematics, and you’ll honestly not know how old you are.

Yet more 40th Birthday Sayings

Age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.

Look on the bright side. You can start flirting all you're becoming harmless.

At 40, you’re now eighteen with 22 years experience.

Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It’s your 40th birthday. Did you jerk today?

Lest you haven't found one yet here's four more 40th Birthday Sayings

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. In your case, age has just shown up all by itself.

At your age you can do just as much as ever - but would rather not.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. Said Mark Twain
If it were so, today you’d still be 40 but next year you’d be 39 not 41

For now that's the last of the 40th Birthday sayings but look in again. I am working on more
Meantime here's more elsewhere

This 40th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use
40th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 50th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Flippin' Men Verses Walkies

Welcome to Free 40th Birthday Poems, one blog of many covering special birthdays

This blog entry, which has been changed for contractual reasons, has no content to speak of but gets a lot of traffic. I've no idea why
On the occasion of your big seven -0
Special birthday wishes we/I send
May your birthday feel as good as you’d feel
If scoring four an end

And keep on keeping on
That verse has been parked is for the Flippin Men Bowler, just in case you came here for Flippin Men Verses

Free 40th birthday poems, verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe
by Jon Bratton 2008.

Saturday, 3 January 2009

Wedding Anniversary Verses

Image from

It’s Jack & Eva’s 50th wedding anniversary
And Jack says "Have you ever cheated on me?"
Eva replies, "Oh Jack, why ask such a question?
After 50 years, just let it be”
But Jack insisted and she said “ Well, just 3 occasions..."
"Oh no… when for goodness sake ?"
"When you wanted to start the business
And no bank would provide the stake
Remember, the bank manager came and signed
The loan papers, now do you see?
No questions asked?... Well..."
"Oh, Eva, you did that for me?
I respect you more than ever,
So when was number 2?"
"It was when you had the heart attack
And no surgeon would touch you...
Remember how Dr. Baker came all the way
Up here and saved your life
Well...." "Oh my god!! Eva,
You are such a wonderful wife...
And so my darling when was number 3?"
“Well, Jack, remember that time you sought
To be Leader of the Local Council
And you were fifty three votes short...."
Jon Bratton 2008
(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)

More Wedding Anniversary Verses

Friday, 2 January 2009

What Should I Write in an Anniversary Card to my Very Old Spouse

Old Love Poem

To husband from wife

When you were in your younger days,
And you were your svelte self,
Your belt was round your waist
Now it sits below your shelf.

Now that you're more mature,
Why not set your body free;
Seek the comfort of elastic
Where once your waist would be.

To wife from husband

When you were in your younger days,
You weighed a few pounds less,
You needn't hold your tummy in
To wear a belted dress.

But now that you are older,
You can set your body free;
There's the comfort of elastic
Where once your waist would be.

And how about those tights you wear
They're sized by weight, I see,
So that explains why the crotch
Is down below the knee

Universal ending

You now need to wear glasses
As the prints are getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that you were taller.

But though your hair has turned to grey
And your skin no longer fits,
On the inside, you're the same old you,
And I love you still, to bits.

By Jon Bratton 2005
but based on some sentiments by others, unknown
When I said "I do", I didn't mean everything!!!
Or I like this quote
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'WOW What a Ride!'" Author Unknown

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