Thursday, 14 November 2013

Dual Porpoise Cards

I am de-clogging the loft ahead of me developing geriatric tendencies and I came across an old product I produced when working with artist Jim Harker,  an old school friend. It was a card back to attach to a fine art print to make it into a greeting card. There was a range of sensible sentiments and then there was this one. It is in the Geordie lingo so see what you make of it

Aa was ganna send ye a pictia
Of some gadgie in the toon
Staggerin' and caallin' for Hughie
Havin' supped several Broon
Fower pints of Fed
And a Courage (by mistake)
Followed by two kebabs and a vindaloo
And some chips in stotty cake

Such a technocolour yawn
Wi' diced carrots in the mixture
Ah think ye'll agree
Would mek a colourful pictia
But that up on yer loonge waall
Wadn't mek ye ower keen
And it's a canny bit more nicer
To hev a propa local scene

I'm not sure this will mean anything to anyone but at least it's preserved for posterity. Any remaining card backs and much else of my past are now in the bin. It is very cathartic this loft de-clogging

Jon Bratton © 2013

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Oh Canada

Here's a poem wot I wrote for my Canadian rellies

Dressed in boots, parka, scarf and mittens 
Are a couple at an airport in Arkansas
An old couple standing nearby 
Were intrigued by the clothes they wore

I wonder where they’re from?" says the wife
Her hubby says “I dunno!
Why don’t you ask them
If you really want to know”

She walks over to the couple and asks
They say "Saskatchewan... Saskatoon"
She returns to her husband and says
"They don't speak English, so it could be the moon"

Jon Bratton 2013

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Poem About Heef or is it Borse?

Inspired by all the horse puns in Twitterland and even on the Beeb News I have written this ditty

With unbridled hunger I eat like a horse
Usually at lunchtime, in truth
There's no time at all for horsing around
I have to eat on the hoof

By a short head, Tescos was my favourite
Furlong enough I thought them sound
Notwithstanding that in their bar codes
Some traces of Zebra were found

My stable diet is burgers and lasagne
Findus are as good as they come
I race for them past the granulated shergar bags
Horse d'oeuvres, l'escago and red rum

"They're Off" All the burgers from the shelves
Tesco have cleared the processed food place
I heard it on the BBC Mane News
But hay! Why have a long face?

My Lidl's pony and Aldi's uni quorn
Are a good energy source
I'm no longer saddled with Tescos
With a lidl swerve, I've aldi'd course

So food producers, get your act together
You'd better start keeping it real
For goodness sake whatever next
You'll be expecting us Brits to eat veal!

Jon Bratton © 2013

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Very Cold Poem

My partner inspired me to write this little ditty

Marg's fave expression is "Cold, Toldy, Wold"
Whenever there's a temperature drop
I tell her to conserve energy
"Just say cold, Marg... full stop
But if you must add something
This is what I'm betting
You'll feel better if you say cold
Preceded by the adjective 'effing'"
Jon Bratton 2012

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Definition of Assonance

Ever since 1983 when I saw the movie Educating Rita, my all time favorite film, I've been curious about the definition of Assonance. It didn't help that Michael Caine's character Prof Bryant in giving an example of assonance actually used a consonance. Nor did Julie Walter's character Rita help when she said assonance means "getting the rhyme wrong".
 You're probably thinking that I should get a life but to be fair I saw the movie 30 years ago and only this morning have I really tried to understand assonance. A few years back I read Stephen Fry's book An Ode Less Travelled and he covered partial rhymes, including assonance but I read it fueled by wine. I will read it again sober. Is it worth a read? you ask. Absolutely.  I couldn't fail to discourage you less.
As some will know I'm a rhymester rather than a poet but I have covered poetic devices before...
According to Wikipedia "Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds to create internal rhyming within phrases or sentences, and together with alliteration and consonance serves as one of the building blocks of verse. For example, in the phrase "Do you like blue?", the /uː/ ("o"/"ou"/"ue" sound) is repeated within the sentence and is assonant." A fuller example could be "Do you use blue hue, too?"
After several hours pootling around the internet I now understand it, and like it. Here's some easy to understand examples

"It beats . . . as it sweeps . . . as it cleans!"  slogan for Hoover vacuum cleaners

She's ferocious
And she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
(Lyrics to 'Bette Davis Eyes')

 "I must confess that in my quest I felt depressed and restless."
(Thin Lizzy, "With Love")


”West Beast East Beast” by Dr. Seuss
Upon an island hard to reach,
The East Beast sits upon his beach.
Upon the west beach sits the West Beast.
Each beach beast thinks he's the best beast.
Which beast is best?...Well, I thought at first,
That the East was best and the West was worst.
Then I looked again from the west to the east
And I liked the beast on the east beach least.

I've even written my own example, which goes

Why am I inclined to blink my eye?
Why does champagne make me squawk?
"It's bolliphobia" said QI's Fry
You fear the popping cork
(Jon Bratton 2012)

(I made up bolliphobia because until now there hasn't been a word for what is a common fear because there are about 2 dozen cork popping fatalities a's more common than spider bites and that fear has always had its own name)
By the way, my favorite TV show is QI and my favorite celebrity is Stephen Fry so I'm hoping that one day Stephen will raise the subject of bolliphobia because it is Quite Interesting
Anyhoo, that's the  definition of assonance  for you

Friday, 23 November 2012

Funny Sex Poems

Doing market research for the Vaseline Company

A man knocked at the door

A woman, with three small children, answered

He asked “Have you used Vaseline before?”

“Yes” she said “We use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what for?”

“We always use it for sex,” she said.

As she went to close the door

The researcher was a little taken aback. 

“People lie and say they use it after a child’s fall

Or for chapped lips or to lube a bicycle chain

But we know it’s used for sex, by almost all

 I admire your honesty and since you’ve been so frank 

Can you tell me exactly HOW you use it during a sex bout?”

She said, “My husband and I put it on the doorknob 

It helps to keep the kids out.”

Jon Bratton © 2012
(inspired by a joke by unknown author)


Thursday, 8 November 2012

Sexy Poem

Here's a sexy poem, wot I wrote

When a rancher died, his widow 

Was determined to make the ranch pay

There were two applicants for hired hand 

One a drunk, the other, gay

She hired the gay and was delighted

He was conscientious and worked like hell

And being very skilled, after a few short weeks

The ranch was doing well

The widow suggested her hired hand

Should have a night in town

When he returned the widow was relaxing

Wine glass in hand and hair let down

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she said.
"Now take off my boots. and now my socks,
And place them on my bed.”

"Now take off my skirt." slowly he unbuttoned it,
"Now my bra." It was low cut and wired
He was trembling,  as the widow barked
"If you wear my clothes again,  you're fired!"
What were you thinking? He was gay!