Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Happy New Year poems, Quotes, Messages, Toasts




Happy New Year



As I write this, in England, it is getting on for noon on New Year's Eve which means it's already the New Year in places east of Australia.

In one hour from now the fireworks will go off in Sydney.
This blog, hosted as it is by Google, is on Californian time so it's a long time for you guys to wait

If you came here looking for things to say at New Year for a card or a toast, I've written and gathered some verses, poems, quotes, messages for you

Let's start with this which I wrote moments ago

My New Year wish, this year for you
Is for your best year yet
A year where wants are very few,
But what you want, you get.


Here's some quotes


A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.


People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.


Here's a toast


May all the dreams in your eyes,
all the desires in your heart and all
the hopes in your life blend together,
to give you the most spectacular
New Year ever.


...and a little ditty

The New Year lies before you
Like a spotless tract of snow
Be careful how you tread on it
For every mark will show.

~Author Unknown~


Here's Rabbie Burns' contibution


Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!
Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
Chorus
We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine;
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,
Sin' auld lang syne.
Chorus
We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne.
Chorus
And there's a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.
Chorus


Here's Alfred Lord Tennyson contribution from his well-known poem, "In Memoriam"


Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

And that's it.

Wherever in the World you are, let me wish you a

Happy New Year!

Monday, 29 December 2008

Flippin' Men Verses Drinking

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
At home as it is in tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager
Forever and ever
Barmen


Author Unknown poem for use on card made using LaPashe decoupage sheets Flippin' Cheers

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Funny Rhyme Poem

Family Politics

Welcome to yet another funny rhyme poem. At the bottom of this page are links to other short funny rhyming poems

A little boy asks his Dad
"What’s politics all about?”
His Dad said “I'm breadwinner of the family,
So I’m Capitalism, no doubt.


Your Mum (Mom), she's the Government.
She shops, she cares, she feeds,
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
You’re the People-we see to your needs


Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, it’s time to go to bed
And as you’re dropping off to sleep
Consider what I’ve said.




Later, the boy hears baby brother crying,
A severely soiled nappy/diaper he found
So the little boy goes to his parents' room
And finds his mother sleeping sound.


At the nanny's room he peeks inside
Lying next to nanny‘s, is Dad’s head
He quickly assesses the situation
And goes back to bed.


The next morning, he says to his father,
"Dad, politics I know the truth and realise."
Dad says, "Good son, tell me in your own words
And the little boy replies,


"While Capitalism screws the Working Class,
The Government sleeps on it,
The People are ignored
And the Future’s deep in shit."



Jon Bratton 2008


(based on a joke, by I know not)











Saturday, 27 December 2008

Examples of Onomatopoeia Poetry

From Batman

I can’t remember how old I was when I was first told of such word mechanisms as alliteration and onomatopoeia, quite young I think, but I remember being immediately interested.


I assume you came here as a teacher looking for teaching resources for Onomatopoeia so let’s start with a definition and a list of examples.

Onomatopoeia is the use of words whose sounds make you think of their meanings.

buzz, thump, pop, bam, bang,
bing, boom, buzz, crackle, clang,
clatter, creak, ding, dong, boom
fizz, glug, growl, grunt, zoom
howl, hum, knock, whizz, plop
murmur, slap, ping, pong, pop,
rip, roar, smack, snap, splish
squawk, thud, tweet, wham, squish
whoosh, yawn, yelp, squeal, moan
rumble, croak, gurgle and groan

As a Geordie I have to add my favourite... 'plodge' as in “I plodged in the clarts”


Onomatopoeia as a concept needs to be taught but by the time it is, children have already come across it. Indeed every child learns it as soon as they can speak. Their first party piece is to answer “What does a duck say?” And one of the earliest songs they were taught was the onomatopoeia classic Old MacDonald's Farm. I deliberately left out of the list earlier the animal sounds woof, meow, neigh, oink, cluck, baaa, moo, quack etc


Even before their parents have told them, Fisher Price has done it subliminally. Indeed here’s a quote from Fisher Price describing a 12-18 month old child
“He/She says his/her first word (any time after 8 months). First words generally relate to objects: cats, dogs and buses are popular, as are sounds associated with food such as "Yummm."


You might think Nursery Rhymes are a rich source of onomatopoeia but I’m not sure they are. Two show promise in the title Ding Dong Bell and Baa Baa Black Sheep but there’s no more in the body of the rhymes. I’m not sure if this is a nursery rhyme or just a poem for kids but it’s a good example


Horsey horsey don't you stop
Just let your feet go clippetty clop
The tail goes swish and the wheels go round
Giddy up, we're homeward bound.


Of Sound Mind

Plink, plank, plonk
Splish, splash, splosh
Onomatopoeia
Is a load of tosh

by Patrick Winstanley


Advertisers say "Don't sell the sausage, sell the sizzle" which I think is self explanatory

Kelloggs use Onomatopoeia in their Rice Krispies adverts/marketing
Snap crackle pop



Here's another Example of Onomatopoeia Poetry in advertising

Plop, plop fizz, fizz…
Oh what a relief it is!”

In 1979, Alka-Seltzer used that jingle for relief of indigestion.
It became one of the the most recognized commercials


Children are also exposed to Onomatopoeia in comics per the illustration that heads this piece



When it comes to Onomatopoeia in proper grown up poetry it is out there but not in great abundance. It can and is used in serious poetry but in my view lends itself to childrens or comic verse/song

Nevertheless there are examples and let's start with


Come Down O Maid by Alfred Lord Tennyson

The moan of doves in immemorial elms,
And murmuring of innumerable bees.

Or

The Bells by Edgar Allan Poe

Poe lets us hear sounds made by different types of bells. He speaks of "tinkling" sleigh bells; "clanging" fire bells; mellow "chiming" wedding bells; "tolling," "moaning," and "groaning" funeral bells.

Hear the sledges with the bells--
Silver bells!
What a world of merriment their melody foretells!
How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
In the icy air of night!
While the stars that oversprinkle
All the heavens, seem to twinkle
With a crystalline delight;
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells
From the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells--
From the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.

The whole Tennyson poem is here

and the Poe poem is here

By the way onomatopoeia is a hard word to spell so why not, while on the subject of hard words, touch upon mnemonics and here's one
Poe wrote "Bells" and he's in the word, right at the difficult bit

Ono-mato-poe-ia


Let's finish with this one

Ball starts to drop,
then with a mighty plop
it lands in water cold
followed by golfer bold.
With a swash and a swish
he frightens all the fish.
Four-iron thrashing
water splashing,
golfer getting wet,
but he’s not done yet.
Then with a swish and a swash
he frees ball from the wash.

Rabbit's Foot Gives Golfer Str, a poem by William Thomas Dodd from German

But hey lets go back to the fun stuff. The best onomatopoeia is found in songs with animal sounds and the best of those is this, as mentioned earler
I do hope these Examples of Onomatopoeia Poetry have helped

Friday, 26 December 2008

Flippin' Men Verses Darts


Poems wanted


Free to use Verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe
by Jon Bratton 2008.

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Poetry Examples of Odes




If you came looking for poetry examples of odes I can provide you with plenty but why are so many of you so looking. Is this a school project?

What is an ode? It's a poem you call an ode. Here is an ode I wrote


Ode to Ernest Orn Who Ought to Gain Employment

O Ern Orn, earn


Or here is Gyles Brandreth's famous short ode


Ode to a Goldfish

O
Wet
Pet



Here's another ode by me called


Ode to the Lender


O that you weren’t owed
All repayments made
By any whatsoever mode
Everything repaid
All at once, preferably
You would be in ecstasy
It would make you feel so good
To be an ex debtee
There’s no such thing as free lunch,
When you’re in a Credit Crunch
So get what you're owed, as you should



Stephen Fry in his book "The Ode Less Travelled" says if you can speak and read English you can write poetry. But it is no fun if you don't know where to start or have been led to believe that Anything Goes.



Stephen, who has long written poems, and indeed has written long poems, for his own private pleasure, invites you to discover the incomparable delights of metre, rhyme and verse forms.



Whether you want to write a Petrarchan sonnet for your lover's birthday, an epithalamion for your sister's wedding or a villanelle excoriating the government's housing policy, The Ode Less Travelled will give you the tools and the confidence to do so. Brimful of enjoyable exercises, witty insights and simple step-by-step advice, The Ode Less Travelled guides the reader towards mastery and confidence in the Mother of the Arts.

He says of The Ode it was once the most grand, ceremonial and high minded of forms but is now a frequently jokey synonym for 'poem'

Here's some links to famous odes












I do hope I've helped

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Flippin' Men Verses Barbecue




The Barbecue

When summer evenings are nice and hot,
The thing to do is find a spot,
Where a barbecue can be set up,
So everyone can come and sup,
Relax with a bottle, and sit for a spell,
Which would be really nice and would end the day well,
And enjoy the light hearted, cheerful chatter,
With friends, who to you, truly matter.
Right! The table's set, the flares are lit,
The music should be a real hit
The friends have arrived, the drink if flowing,
Laughter starts, the barbecue's glowing,
The cooking has started, the aroma's divine,
Everyone is getting along fine,
When! The barbecue begins to smoke,
The chef, who's coughing begins to choke,
The chops are burnt the spare ribs too,
Everyone's looking very blue,
Conversation has now come to a halt,
What has happened, who's at fault,
There's thick smoke spiralling into the air,
It's now giving everyone a scare,
People are suddenly beginning to panic,
Good heavens, they are going manic,
What can be done, the food is no more,
The wine has been spilt all over the floor,
Everyone is utterly desolated,
For the poor old barbecue has disintegrated,
On top of that, it has started to rain,
It is really driving the guests insane,
The garden's looking a real shambles,
It really is just one of those gambles,
That the weather will go and change her mind,
But it's left such devastation behind.
The hostess takes a deep breath and swallows her pride,
Waves everyone goodbye, takes it all in her stride,
Clears up all the mess, and calls it a day,
But will book another date and just hope and pray,
That the weather forecast might treat them well, so
With friends once again, they can dine alfresco


1943 © Ernestine Northover


Free to use Verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe
by Jon Bratton 2008.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

50th Birthday Poems Jokes


Welcome to 50th birthday poems jokes. This first one is for a man

You used to be insatiable
You were always there on cue
Now the expression "all nighter" means
Not getting up for the loo

As for the fact you're thinning
That's hardly fair
You're not folically challenged
You've just outgrown your hair

Lots of folk have 40 winks
That's a natural response
You do that and read the paper
While watching telly, all at once

So it's OK for you to slow down
You're getting older, after all
It's time for you to invest in a pipe
Some slippers and a shawl

The clues that you're getting old
Are there (Bill) it's true
Your belt won't buckle any more
But your knees most certainly do

You've entered your 60th decade
But you look good all the same
Who cares if your hair is thin and grey
And you'll suit a Zimmer frame

We've been together since we were young
We're now getting old, and how
The fire is still within us
We just call it heartburn now

Now you've reached this old old age
Don't start to dye your hair
Don't think of having face lifts
And don't change the clothes you wear

Don't modify your language
Don't rebel and cause outrage
Decide to do the decent thing
Just lie about your age

Anyway you're not at all like a 50 year old
And I mean what I say
Mind you, being a (Jim Reeves) fan
Is a dead giveaway

Enough of all these insults
I do hope you realise
How highly you’re respected
How kind you are, and wise

God bless you on your birthday
Let the celebrations start
Enjoy life’s oh so precious gifts
And remain young at heart.

For age is just a state of mind
And life can be such funA
nd you still know how to party
As much as anyone

So let's make this a memorable occasion
In every single way
And I'll be there to help you
Ensure it's a wonderful day

The love of friends and family
Will be with you today
So enjoy the many wishes
Which are bound to come your way

Let your 50th Birthday
Be the best one of your life
...so far..
This comes with love from (Name)
Your best friend and wife


Jon Bratton c 2006

50th Birthday Poems Jokes continues with this one by

Pam Ayres

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

Continuing 50th Birthday Poems Jokes this one by me is about a woman at 50

A woman has a face lift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty grand.
On her way home she stops to buy a paper.
And asks the man at the news stand,


"How old do you think I am ?"
About 32, was the reply.
"Actually I’m 50," the woman says
With a happy glint in her eye


At McDonalds she asks the same of the counter girl
“Well“, she says “You certainly look great and nifty
I guess you’re about 30."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 50"

While waiting for the bus home,
She’s feeling good, full of glee
She asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and can hardly see

Although, when I was young I could do it by touch
But I’d need to feel in your bra
And elsewhere, perhaps.
To tell exactly how old you are."


They waited in silence on the empty street
Curiosity filled the woman’s head
And finally she says,
"What the hell, go ahead."


He cups both of her bosoms
He clearly likes what’s he’s found
He slips both hands down her panties
And has a good feel around.


After a couple of minutes of this
And before he went too far
She says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He says, "50 is what you are."

British version
"That’s amazing, says the woman, stunned
You must tell me how you knew ?"
The man replies, "At McDonalds earlier
I was right behind you in the queue”

North American version
That’s amazing, says the woman, stunned
Tell me how you can so accurately divine ?"
The man replies, "At McDonalds earlier
I was right behind you in the line"

Jon Bratton 2008

Here's a few of the better 50th birthday one liner jokes

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn

When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands.

More 50th Birthday Poems Jokes

That link takes you to 60th birthday one liners but, being about getting older, it is just as relevent to 50 year olds



This 50th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use
50th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 40th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

Monday, 22 December 2008

English Romantic Poetry


Have you, while reading a well polished piece of published writing, ever wondered what the first draft was like?I often do.

Take William Wordsworth’s host of golden daffodils thing; you know instinctively that he wouldn’t have said ‘host’ or ‘golden’ in his first draft. And you don’t really believe his first instinct was to be as lonely as a cloud. Of course not. He lived in the Lake District. Clouds there are anything but lonely most of the time. Most of the time they are accompanied by a host of mates, most of whom are rain bearing most of the time.I’ve been to his cottage many times, since I live only 60 miles away and I adore the Lake District. ( Many of you reading this will be from California, Mumbai, Sydney or Manchester and you should check out the Lake District on Google Maps/ Satelite)


Actually I have in my possession his original drafts of that poem and it started thusly

(This is a World first and will rock the establishment)
(Shake the establishment…rock… sounds like they’d be pleased)


In the original draft of this piece I spilled the beans but, in this the second draft I have removed it because the first draft was utter rubbish, mine and his, and I don’t want to dis the Cumbrian Bard. I am prepared to quote his fifth draft when he‘d settled on the concept of a lonely cloud but was still favouring the word ‘crowd‘ over ‘host‘.


I wandered lonely as a cloud
I’m a bit of an anorak
All at once I saw a crowd
So I hid the daffs behind my back


Anyway, to finish, here's another's view found here


There once was a poet named Will
Who tramped his way over a hill
And was speechless for hours
Over some stupid flowers
This was years before TV, but still.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Christmas Comedy Poems



Christmas Comedy Poems

Santa has to visit 378 million kids
In 108 million homes, it’s reckoned
Because of the Earth’s rotation he’s got 31 hours
That’s 967.7 visits per second.


That’s 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh,
Fill the stockings, eat a snack
Climb up the chimney
Clean off the black and refill the sack


His total trip is 75.5 million miles,
That’s 650 miles per second, to fly
In a sleigh carrying 500 thousand tons,
Plus one very fat guy


He needs 360,000 reindeers
Payload now 600,000 tons, let’s suppose
Generating 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
No wonder Rudolf has a red nose


With acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.
Santa is pinned to the back of the sleigh
By 4.3 million pounds of force,
Christmas Eve, for him, is one tough day

Jon Bratton © 2008


Hope he is good to you
And all the best for 2009


Now if you’ve been sent here from my other website on the pretext that you’ll find great Christmas verses/poems for parents, friends, children, Christians, your pastor, your lover, your spouse and your boss then this is your lucky day for this is the very poem I’ve sent to my Mum (Mom) Arthur, my friend, my two kids, my Christian cousin, my pasta ( I don’t have a pastor but I’m particularly fond of a pepperoni pasta, which at this time of year I like to be deep and crisp and even), my lover, my spouse and my boss (those last three were just one person). Without further more, here’s the poem you have come, in droves, to see and I defy you not to copy and paste it and send it to the group of your acquaintances I have just over-spammed


What does a reindeer hang on his Christmas tree?
Horn-aments of courseBut not his horns, coz without his hornsHe’d be a horseWhere would a reindeer go if it lost its tail?
To a re-tail shop, it’s true
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything… coz he can’t hear you!How do you get into Rudolf's house?
You ring the deer-bell!Who would get a gift from Santelope?
A well behaved gazelleWhat did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It's Christmas, Eve !What do you call a letter sent up the chimney ?
Black mail, I believeWho delivers cat's Christmas presents ?
Well that’s Santa Paws !
And Dumbo’s Christmas presents?
That’s Elephanta Claus !What do snowboys wear on their heads ?
Ice caps, but just until they’re olderWhen the snowboy offended his snowgirlfriend
She gave him the cold shoulder !What do you call an Eskimo cow ?
I’d say an Eskimoo !
How do snowmen travel about?
By icicle, that’s hoo
You’re probably thinking that to make up this intellectual stuff
Expensive poetry lessons were bought
Well you’d be wrong, so there
I am completely elf taught

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
That’s my Christmas message, can you tell?
You like it? You get it? Well??
There’s no L,
Noel,
I need a glass of HIJKLMNO
H to O
H2O
Enough already
I really need to go
But hey have a really Merry Christmas
But take it steady on the piste
Or you’ll be sending messages to your friends
As ridiculous as thiste
Enjoy and remember a dog is not just for Christmas
There’ll be loads left over
For Boxing Day and to make soup with the carcass
By the way, his name was Rover
Catch the Christmas spirit
Christmas beer, port, Champers, Baileys and, if you must, mulled wine
And all the very best
For two-00-nine

Here's some

but first
and now
If Santa was....
If Santa was a (surname)
Cockney
an Ozzie
Californian
Liverpudlian
from Anytownetc

If Santa was a (New Yorker)
He'd be a builder on the side
Because chimneys are very narrow
And Santa's very wide
Overnight, there would appear
A big hole in your roof
And you'd know that Santa did it
But you wouldn't have the proof
In January, S. Claus Roofing Contractors
Would take your remaining money
While you saved up for the arrival
Of the (New York) Easter Bunny
___

If Santa was a (Durham lad)
There'd be money to be made
Getting a Christmas single
In the hit parade
With a waistline just like Meatloaf's
And a beard like ZZ Top's
He'd have the perfect image
To make Top of the Pops
And you'd have to get his record
Cos' if it wasn't on your list
You'd find on Christmas morning
You'd been accidently missed
__

If Santa was (as shrewd as you)
He'd take a royalty share
Of the billions of Santa cards
Published every year
He'd be bigger than Walt Disney
And Spielberg put together
He'd move to a tax haven
And enjoy the better weather
And if you expected him to visit you
You'd have to save up all the Summer
House calls are expensive
Have you ever called a plumber?
_____

If Santa was a (Techie)
He'd suss out there's no way
To visit 100 million homes
In a reindeer powered sleigh
He'd use the latest technology
To get his deliveries done
In time to have a pint or two
And a bit of Christmas fun
The reindeers would be his pit stop crew
He'd drive a Benetton
And all Summer long he'd make extra dosh
Winning Formula One
__

If Santa was a (Chav)
He'd join the dole queue
Because apart from Christmas deliveries
He's got nothing else to do
But he wouldn't put his feet up
And watch daytime TV
He'd find himself an "earner"
Strictly cash - no VAT
As he's got a reindeer farm
He'd probably be found
On a barrow, flogging cheap deer burgers
Outside the football ground

Do not read this last one if you're easily offended
Christmas Comedy Poem which is rudy, dirty, naughty but not very
A most distinguished lady
Walks into a tattoo parlour, and sits down.
The owner is amazed to see such a woman
In his seedy shop, in this seedy town
Immediately he goes over to the woman
To find out why.
To his shock, (and utter delight), she lifts up her dress,
And points to her right inner thigh.
.Very high up.... "Right here," she says
"I want a turkey with the word 'Thanksgiving' See?”
Then she points to her left inner thigh
“Here I want a decorated Christmas tree,
And I want the words 'Christmas Day'“.
The tattoo artist, still staring at the woman’s thigh
Said "Lady it's none of my business,
But I just gotta ask why?”
"Well," replies the lady "
I’m sick of hearing my husband say
There’s never anything good to eat
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day"


Jon Bratton copyright two-00-eight
Click on the comments to see Mariah's contribution to Christmas comedy poems about mad Christmas pressie buying entitled T'was the Night Before Black Friday

Friday, 19 December 2008

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Welcome to another poem in the short funny rhyming poems series

Princess Celt


Once, a king’s daughter.
Had a problem to solve
Whatever Princess Celt touched
Would simply dissolve.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone,
Anything she touched would diffuse.
The king was desperate to help.
He needed a ruse

Said the best of magicians
Who found the cure, by and by
“She should touch just one thing
That doesn’t liquefy”

So the king held a competition ,
The prize was his treasure
The winner would marry Celt
And be rich beyond measure

The first suitor had a sword
Which he brandished aloft
She just touched it quite lightly
It went squidgy and soft

The second brought diamonds.
What’s harder than they?
She just cupped them lightly
And they melted away

The third said "Put your hand in my pocket
Feel there, dear Celt
She felt something hard
But it didn’t melt

He married the Princess
He had something to sate her
What he had in his pants?
I’ll tell you that later

when I return to the Princess Celt poem in the Short Funny Rhyming Poems series




For now, I want to talk more about the American foodstuff giant Mars Inc and their, once, strange, for no apparent reason, habit of giving different brand names to the same product depending on where it was being sold. Remember the Snickers/Marathon silliness



This story starts with Smarties, a product made by the British company Rowntrees, now part of Nestles


Forrest Mars Sr, the son of the founder of Mars Inc, saw soldiers during the Spanish Civil War, eating Smarties
Along with R. Bruce Murrie who had a 20% stake, Mars purchased the rights. They had to introduce them to the US market with a different name because there was already a candy product sold in the States under the name of Smarties.

To identify their new brand, they combined the initials of their last names: M & M.
M&M's were first sold in the United States in 1941. By World War II, which didn’t start in the US until 1943, American soldiers were given the candy by the United States Army because they were a convenient snack that travelled well in any climate; Shortly after this it was marketed to the public.
M&M's soon became a hit. Chocolate versions weren’t introduced into the UK then because Smarties had the market sown up but peanut M&Ms were introduced, probably in the 1950s. Bizarrely they were called Treets (also in France, Germany, Switzerland, The Netherlands ) until 1990 when they were sensibly re-branded as M&Ms.

A frequent argument/debate when World Citizens “meet” on the web is what was (is) the name of the sweet (candy)


that melts, not in the hands, but…
“melts in the mouth”

When touched by warm hands
It simply won’t melt


It was, of course,

M&Ms

Young Princess Celt,

felt

which is a true story, by the way.


Would I lie?

Jon Bratton 2008
(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)


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Thursday, 18 December 2008

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Cop with Speed Gun

Welcome to my blog which today brings you another in the series Short Funny Rhyming Poems


Driving over the Golden Gate Bridge
Was fisherman Bob
Fishing was his hobby
Doctoring was his job


He’d had a good day’s fishing
A good haul he’d managed to land
After filleting all the fish, he was speeding...
On the bridge was a cop, speed gun in hand,


“67 mph in a 50 zone” said the cop
Then he took a closer look at Bob,
Seeing his stained fishing attire, the cop said,
"You don't look like you’ve got a job!


I've never seen anyone so scruffy”
Bob answered, "I’ve a good, well-paying job!"
"A bum like you? What do you do”
"I stretch rectums!" said Bob.


"What you say, Boy?" asked the patrolman.
"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " I start with a couple of fingers,
Then a couple more, then a whole hand, and then two.


I keep on stretching
Until it's a full six feet wide."
"What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
"Give him a speed gun !" Bob replied



Jon Bratton 2008
(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)


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Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Welcome to my blog which today brings you another in the series Short Funny Rhyming Poems


Dopes on a Rope

Eleven women were hanging on a rope of vine
But it was only strong enough for ten
It wasn’t a case of if the vine breaks
It was just a matter of when
One of the women was a brunette
All the others had blonde hair
The brunette volunteered to vacate the vine
All the blondes said a prayer
The brunette made a touching speech
Then fell to the ground
The blondes were stunned into silence
No one made a sound
Then, acting as one
After a contemplative pause
The blondes broke out
Into tumultuous applause




You might think, stupidly
They let go of the vine
But because the drop was less than a foot
All of them were fine


Jon Bratton 2008
(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)





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Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Short Funny Rhyming Poems


Welcome to my blog which today brings you another in the series Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Oi Vey


Man 1 brags, "My son is so successful as a lawyer
He's bought a mansion of his partner’s choice"
The second man says, "My son’s a successful doctor
And bought his friend a jet and a gold Rolls Royce"


The third man says, "Oi vey, my son’s gay
He’s not successful career-wise, and yet
He lives with his friend in a mansion
And owns a gold Rolls Royce and jet”


Jon Bratton 2008
(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)




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Monday, 15 December 2008

Wedding Poem



Wedding Poem


I attended a wedding in Cyprus in May of this year and on the morning of the weddding, sat by the Hotel pool, I penned this poem about the bride and groom to be read out at the reception held in a restaraunt in the harbour of Ayia Napa



Congratulations Jack and Alison
On your marriage, just a few hours old
Weren't the children well behaved?
Even Alan was as good as gold



It's 10 years since they met
And today, finally, he's managed to trap her
Starting out at the Ship, they've ended in the harbour
Here in Ayia Napa



Six years they were a-courting
'Would she ever leave home?' Alan would fret
You see she worked days and he worked nights
So they hardly ever met



Alan dropped hints to Alison
Your own love nest would be nice
And eventually they moved to Brentwood Street
96, to be precise



And there they started begatting
And all that luvvy dovey stuff
They must have been good coz in no time at all
Alison was up the duff



Along came young David and James
To make their family complete
Or is it? Who knows what'll happen
The honeymoon starts the neet!



Well, that's the potted history
So all that remains to say
Is thanks a lot Jack and Alison
For a really smashin' day



We all agree the bride is beautiful
Like a queen from a golden palace
She walked down the aisle Miss Williams
And back up it Mrs Allis



And if we didn't thank the bridesmaids
We really would fail
Sophie and Hannah you're beautiful
Like Princesses from a fairy tale



We should thank best man Gary
And Alan, the bride giver away
And the mothers Carole and Margaret
Thanks for all you've done today



And thanks too to Jack the groom
Looking handsome as can be
And not forgetting the fat bloke reading the poem
So that's a thanks a lot to me



And finally...let's raise our glasses
To toast the stars of today
Have a very long and happy life
Mr and Mrs A



Jon Bratton 2008



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Sunday, 14 December 2008

Leaving Poem

This is a continuation of the leaving poem started the day before yesterday. In this section Martin and Gill, a married couple are discussed


Anyway, who are these five people
Who will pretty soon be gone
It's time for us to name them
And insult them one by one


Let's start with Gill, a talented actress
A girl of many parts
She can play a really marvelous drunk
Who hiccups, burps and....falls over


Gill's been in so many plays
'Absent Friends' was a nice piece
Ah yes Dianna, she only wanted one affair
The entire Canadian Mounted Police


She was in Shakespeare's Ladies
And in 'What the Butler Saw'
And two parts in the Comedy Hour
And she still came back for more



And in 'Move Over Mrs Markham'
She really can't go wrong
All tweedy drawers and sensible shoes
It'll be her great swan song



That's where she has a "man that does"
Which is somewhat ironic
Cos Martin would like to, but usually can't
After a night on sid and tonic



Are you saying his connubial duties
He is failing to fulfill
I'm just saying-once he's said yes to a pint
He always says no to a Gill



But Martin really loves his wife
Then he should really love her first
It's not his fault, it's just he has
A most prodigious thirst



But he must be a man that does
Every now and then
Oh of course....three times
Charis, Luke and Jen



No I'm not having it
(Oh you as well, huh?)
We can't treat a friend this way
OK, Clever Clogs
You think of something nice to say



Err...um..We're really glad there's a few more months
Before he finally retires
And he's going to be a tremendous loss
To the local sid suppliers



He's been a great help to them
I must say, quite ingeniously
Now look, Martin doesn't drink that much
What? He takes it intravenously?



Martin's made a marvelous contribution
To this town's theatre life
Oh you mean while he was boozing at the darts
He sent along his wife



No, I mean he's contributed a great deal
To the theatres of this town
Oh yes, I remember his two cultured acts of drama
Balox meets Charlie Brown



I really think you've said enough
You're all the same, you men
You never mentioned Martin's producing skills
I did, Charis, Luke and Jen



It's a bit of a slog, writing a blog without feedback. I'd be made up if, before you made off, you made a comment
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Saturday, 13 December 2008

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Short Funny Rhyming Poems
Welcome to my blog which today has more Short Funny Rhyming Poems

This is a well sought after category and yesterday Gyles Brandreth was in Dictionary Corner on Carol Vorderman's last Countdown programme. He reminded us all of a poem he recited some 25 years earlier on a Countdown final.


It is an Ode to a Goldfish and goes like this

O
Wet
Pet


Now as short funny rhyming poems go, that's hard to beat. Gyles B. is an incredibly talented wordsmith and I'm pretty sure I couldn't beat him but it didn't stop me trying. I quickly realised that, like his, the title is the longest part of the poem. This poem is shorter than his and answers the question What was Charles Dickens Pen Name?

Boz
Was

My second effort is entitled The Bee

Does he buzz?
Yes, he does


Here's one I came across which could be a forthright travel writer's appraisal

Sunni, yet Shiite
(and it doesn't rhyme)

Here's a single word poem and you might be entitled to say that it must also therefore be non rhyming. Not so, it rhymes with the title

A Nice Sir Prize
Arise!


To nearly conclude this section, here's one I read by someone I know not and it's about how long fleas have been associated with mankind

Adam
Had 'em

Muhammed Ali was happy in his own skin when he wrote

Me
Wheee!
Ali

He was still known as Cassius Clay when he wrote it. I added the 'Ali'


I would welcome any other efforts and they could be a bit longer.
And on that point, before leaving the subject of short funny rhyming poems, Ogden Nash deserves a mention

Here's some of his slightly longer short funny rhyming poems


Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker


Celery, raw
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

Ode to Baby
A bit of talcum
Is always walcum.


Should you want to see more of Ogdens work here's a link



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Friday, 12 December 2008

Leaving Poem

Leaving Poem for Expat Friends Involved in Am Dram Theatre Group Leaving the Country

Five people were leaving the theater group and this poem was read out in the Blue Room, following the performance of a skit. It was another double act, this time with a lady. I read the lines in bold


This is just a little ditty
A ma-salama poem
To say goodbye to our dear friends
As they make their way back home


Yes folks, you've had the play
It's now sincerity time
To pay tribute to our departing members
And insult them all in rhyme


I've heard about your ditties
I'm not sure I'm very keen
I just take poetic license
You take liberties, you mean


If you're going to insult my friends
I don't want any part
Oh Mary, don't make a fuss
I'll behave, cross my heart


OK, but no derogatory remarks
Did I not promise just now
No innuendoes or calling people names
Get on, yer silly cow


Alright, it's goodbye to two fine actors
Which is a terrible pity
It's goodbye to a fine producer
And two members of committee


We say goodbye to just one mother
And three men-the total's nine
We bid adieu to a man of spirit
And one who deals in wine


Ma-salama to two married couples
And one who's happy....and free
If we count the departing back stage folk
The number comes to three


So far, that's seventeen people
That's really more than plenty
Throw in two ladies and a lighting man
And the number comes to twenty


There's two who dabble in computers
There's one in avionics
There's four who like to tipple wine
And one on sid and tonics


There's a sewing singing teacher
Who's big in the arts... arse
There's a devoted snooker player
Who like playing darts... farce


There's one with a London accent
There's four who speak quite posh
There's two who like a game of bridge
And one who's fond of squash


There's one who's very nautical
And at least one who's very naughty
That's an awful lot of people
The number now is forty


Photo from www.bbc.co.uk

Forty people leaving?
That's enough to fill a bus
But it's not the first time that we've faced
A mass exodus


Anyway, I've found some double accounting
The number's only five
And though they're indispensable
ORP will survive


ORP used to be mainly American
Then the British made a coop (coup)
Excuse me, that should be coo, it's French. It's a silent 'P'
A silent 'P' huh?


OK! ORP used to be American
Then the British made a coo
And now the Brits are leaving
Five in one fell swoo



So what'll become of the membership
Who will it next comprise
If it goes the way of the Country
Bangladeshis and Thais



There's another 40 verses of this so I'll continue it tomorrow
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Wednesday, 10 December 2008

History of Frosted Flakes

You’ve no doubt been waiting with bated breath to learn of the history of frosted flakes, haven’t you? I used to think you were waiting with baited breath and it made no sense at all to me but I’ve just looked it up. Now I’m worried because I now know you’re waiting with abated breath and I wouldn’t want you to wait without breathing given that there’s a very good chance I’ll get side tracked.


Mars, Heinz and Kellogg seem such British institutions that Brits have been known to brag of them to Yanks without realising that Frankin Mars, Henry Heinz and William Kellogg were Americans and started their global empires in the U.S, although their family names originate in Europe, Heinz from Germany, Mars possibly from Britain (from Marsh) but more likely French and Kellogg from Chelioc, or Kulliag (Cornish British), a cock, coileach, in Gaelic, and ceiliog, in Welsh, the C having the sound of K. Do you think that’s why the modern icon for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes is a cockerel, or is it cos a cock is prominent in a morning or a bit of both?


Kellogg's was founded as the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company in 1906 by Will Keith Kellogg as a spin off of his work with his brother Dr John Harvey Kellogg at the Battle Creek Sanitarium. The company produced and marketed the highly successful Kellogg's Toasted Corn Flakes and was renamed the Kellogg Company in 1922. Frosted Flakes, as they are known in North America (but Frosties virtually everywhere else) is a cereal similar to Corn Flakes, but coated with frosted sugar. Sugar Frosted Flakes were introduced in 1952 but the word "sugar" was dropped in the mid-1970‘s. Since inception Tony the Tiger has been the mascot as part of an expensive long term marketing campaign and if it weren’t for the huge packaging, distribution and marketing costs Frosties would only cost a few cents/pence, cheap at half the price

Now most of you are probably thinking that that expression would make a lot more sense if it was cheap at twice the price and it would, but it would be a dull and pointless expression. Cheap, at half the price started as a cheeky barrow boy market trader claim and the emphasis was on cheap. I’ve been a market trader and if you shout cheap you’ve got their attention and you can follow it with anything. “Cheap, but completely worthless tat you wouldn’t want to give house room to” if delivered cheekily, would probably work as an effective sales pitch.


What I intended to bring you was a poem about solving a jigsaw puzzle so here goes


A beautiful blonde called her boyfriend and said,
"I have the hardest jigsaw you'll see
I just can't get it started,
Please come and help me".


Her boyfriend sighed and said
"What's it supposed to be ?"
"Well, according to the box picture,
It's a tiger" said she


She let him in, and showed him the puzzle
He studied the pieces, then said "I fear
We'll never make a tiger
From all these pieces, dear

.
So why don't you put your feet up
Take off your shoes and maybe your socks
And relax, while I put all the pieces
Back in the Frosties box"
Jon Bratton 2007
(based on a joke by Author Unknown)



Well, we all know they’re Grrreat

but absolllutely hopppeless as a jigsaw puzzle


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Wardrobe Malfunction



After yesterday's piece it is with reluctance that I deal with the subject of wardrobe malfunction lest you think I'm obsessed with seeing things one shouldn't when clothes mishave. It's entirely coincidental and you'll believe me when you see today's piece of doggerel in which a wardrobe plays a small part. If you (like me only moments ago) think a wardrobe malfunction is the door hanging off or Basil Fawlty using it to hide from the psyciatrists have a quick look at this




I don't recall Judy Finnigan's bra flash being described as a wardrobe malfunction and having just googled I now know why. The phrase 'wardrobe malfunction' was coined after Janet Jackson's bosom was accidentally bared during her 2004 Super Bowl half-time performance alongside Justin Timberlake whereas Judy's mild embarrassment was at the 2000 National Television Awards. Anyway wardrobe malfunction has now made it into some Dictionaries, viz

a euphemistic term for an embarrassing display of a body part when clothing droops, falls, or is torn
Etymology: 2004 Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English.

Here's today's poem

Mother returned from 2 days away
Her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mummy, guess what? Yesterday,
I was in your wardrobe, playing
Daddy came in with the lady next door
And their clothes started to drop
And they lay undressed on the bed
And then daddy climbed on top ..."
Mother held up her hand.
"Not another word. That story's bad
Exactly what you've just told me.
I want you to tell to Dad"
As Dad walked into the house,
His wife said, "I'm off. I'm packed already, see? "
"But why--" asked the startled father.
" Sonny. Tell him what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your wardrobe
And daddy came in with the lady next door
And they got undressed
And all their clothes were on the floor
And they got up on the bed
And then they did that thing
That you did with Uncle John
When daddy was away, last Spring."

© Jon Bratton 2007
(based on a joke by Author Unknown)

Since 2004 a whole new genre of videos has been spawned. Google the phrase 'wardrobe malfunctions' and you'll see thousands or for still photos, with the offending nipple blacked out per the picture above, go here

Me? I'm off to IKEA. I need to have a word with someone in the complaints department
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