Monday, 1 December 2008

Wedding Speech

This is continuation of the poem about Dick the horticulturist which I started yesterday, which was last month. The title reflects the best search term since this part of the poem is about Dick meeting his future wife and could be useful for a best man's speech
Hadrian's Wall made a lot of sense
Aye te keep you bloody Sassenachs oot
He should have built an electric fence

Horticulturist sows...first, his wild oats, and then, the seeds of love

That's just enough of your insults
That's not why we're here
We're doing a sort of 'This is Your Life'
Let's start with Dick's career

Dick considered off-shore banking
But he's no money vulture
So having nothing else to do in Jersey
He turned to horticulture

So straight away Dick found a whore
A Swedish girl on the game
She was the perfect specimen
And Wanda was her name

He took her to the opera
And, to museums and things
But none of this appealed to her
She just liked diamond rings

She didn't care for Shakespeare
She just wanted a coat of mink
Dick discovered you can lead a hor ti culture
But you cannot make her think

Wanda was good for sowing wild oats
But Dick began to shop
Now that he was into sowing
He sought a maximum crop

Now look I've warned you
You're just being crude
Well, let's face it...Dick's appetite for sex
Is like his appetite for food

Anyway, he decided to join a choir
He'd heard singers could be fun
And besides, if he could get a Singer
He'd get more sewing done

His friends had in mind the perfect girl
Who taught in the local class
Her name of course was Mary
Our bonny Scottish lass

Wanda would do anything for dick
That's Wanda would do anything, for Dick
But Dick's friends had this thought
To make him interested
In a refined, more cultured sort

Would Dick go for a teacher?
His friends just couldn't tell
"Yes", said Dick, "I like Teachers
And Johnny Walker as well

In fact I like any brand of whisky"
A misunderstanding we think
Well, it's not just food and sex Dick likes
He's also fond of drink

Dick and Mary's relationship
At this stage was platonic
Yep, to Dick it was just play
To Mary, a tonic

She sought reassurance
After each and every bout
Her mother said she must be good
And of that, Dick had no doubt

Dick could see the benefit
Of marrying this Catholic lass
She was a regular in the choir
And never missed a mass

Not the least of these attractions
Was her very name
You see her initials then were M.S.
After marriage, they'd be the same

Dick worked on simple logic
And it was undoubtedly true
She wouldn't need new handkerchiefs
That would save a bob or two

To most of us that logic
Would be kinda funny
But Dick didn't just crave food, sex and drink
He was also into money

Anyway, while Dick was working out his sums
Mary announced she'd go
On a teaching job to Kenya
With the VSO

She was well prepared for what she faced
Countless unknown ravages
Well, she'd grown up in Scotland
Surrounded by Savages

Hey steady on mate
You may be absolutely right
But there's quite a few Scotsmen here
Let's not start a fight

By pre-arrangement a Scotsman interjects
See you Jimmy, see you
Am prepared to let that pass
But any more and aah'll rip yer heed aff, so ah will
And stick it up yer ass

You see, that's just typical
Hadrian's Wall made a lot of sense

Scotsman again Aye te keep you bloody Sassenachs oot
He should have built an electric fence

Ah ha they didn't have elec...
Please fellas, simmer down
We don't want this kind of strife
Why not? The Salisburys have to face this
Every day of their married life

Sir, he wasn't insulting Scotsmen
Mary's maiden name was Savage
Well, his outburst serves to illustrate
The problems of mixed marriage

Anyway, off Mary went to Kenya
To teach them ABC's
Leaving Dick in his tomato patch
With muck up to his knees

As Mary had departed
And taken poor Dick's heart
Dick too, developed wanderlust
Yeah a lust for Wanda, his little Swedish tart

No I mean he wanted to see the World
To open a new door
Yeah Wanda' was her foreign parts
He wanted to explore

One day, as planes passed over head
Dick was tilling in the rain
He decided the next one out of there
Would be a Salisbury plane be continued. Dick was now in the Middle East, Mary in Africa. Would they marry? What became of Wanda? More tomorrow

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