Tuesday, 23 December 2008

50th Birthday Poems Jokes

Welcome to 50th birthday poems jokes. This first one is for a man

You used to be insatiable
You were always there on cue
Now the expression "all nighter" means
Not getting up for the loo

As for the fact you're thinning
That's hardly fair
You're not folically challenged
You've just outgrown your hair

Lots of folk have 40 winks
That's a natural response
You do that and read the paper
While watching telly, all at once

So it's OK for you to slow down
You're getting older, after all
It's time for you to invest in a pipe
Some slippers and a shawl

The clues that you're getting old
Are there (Bill) it's true
Your belt won't buckle any more
But your knees most certainly do

You've entered your 60th decade
But you look good all the same
Who cares if your hair is thin and grey
And you'll suit a Zimmer frame

We've been together since we were young
We're now getting old, and how
The fire is still within us
We just call it heartburn now

Now you've reached this old old age
Don't start to dye your hair
Don't think of having face lifts
And don't change the clothes you wear

Don't modify your language
Don't rebel and cause outrage
Decide to do the decent thing
Just lie about your age

Anyway you're not at all like a 50 year old
And I mean what I say
Mind you, being a (Jim Reeves) fan
Is a dead giveaway

Enough of all these insults
I do hope you realise
How highly you’re respected
How kind you are, and wise

God bless you on your birthday
Let the celebrations start
Enjoy life’s oh so precious gifts
And remain young at heart.

For age is just a state of mind
And life can be such funA
nd you still know how to party
As much as anyone

So let's make this a memorable occasion
In every single way
And I'll be there to help you
Ensure it's a wonderful day

The love of friends and family
Will be with you today
So enjoy the many wishes
Which are bound to come your way

Let your 50th Birthday
Be the best one of your life
...so far..
This comes with love from (Name)
Your best friend and wife

Jon Bratton c 2006

50th Birthday Poems Jokes continues with this one by

Pam Ayres

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

Continuing 50th Birthday Poems Jokes this one by me is about a woman at 50

A woman has a face lift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty grand.
On her way home she stops to buy a paper.
And asks the man at the news stand,

"How old do you think I am ?"
About 32, was the reply.
"Actually I’m 50," the woman says
With a happy glint in her eye

At McDonalds she asks the same of the counter girl
“Well“, she says “You certainly look great and nifty
I guess you’re about 30."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 50"

While waiting for the bus home,
She’s feeling good, full of glee
She asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and can hardly see

Although, when I was young I could do it by touch
But I’d need to feel in your bra
And elsewhere, perhaps.
To tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street
Curiosity filled the woman’s head
And finally she says,
"What the hell, go ahead."

He cups both of her bosoms
He clearly likes what’s he’s found
He slips both hands down her panties
And has a good feel around.

After a couple of minutes of this
And before he went too far
She says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He says, "50 is what you are."

British version
"That’s amazing, says the woman, stunned
You must tell me how you knew ?"
The man replies, "At McDonalds earlier
I was right behind you in the queue”

North American version
That’s amazing, says the woman, stunned
Tell me how you can so accurately divine ?"
The man replies, "At McDonalds earlier
I was right behind you in the line"

Jon Bratton 2008

Here's a few of the better 50th birthday one liner jokes

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn

When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands.

More 50th Birthday Poems Jokes

That link takes you to 60th birthday one liners but, being about getting older, it is just as relevent to 50 year olds

This 50th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use
50th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 40th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday


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