Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Fuelled by Beer and Wine

This is the continuing story of Dick and Mary. But first let me tell you who invented the Snickers candy bar because every day thousands of people ask this of the search engines.
And so they came to the Middle East. In 1979. Since then they've churned out babies
Fuelled by beer and wine

The Who who invented the Snickers candy bar was Frank Mars

Frank and Ethel Mars built a candy company in Tacoma, Washington in 1911. It became Mars Inc. In 1923 Milky Way chocolate/nougat bar was born and in 1930 the Snickers Candy Bar was invented, named after a favourite Mars family horse.

It consists of peanut butter nougat topped with roasted peanuts and caramel, covered with milk chocolate. Snickers Candy Bar is the best selling chocolate bar of all time and has annual global sales of US $2 billion.

It was called Marathon in the UK for reasons which are far from obvious and in 1990 Mars hugely increased the popularity of the product in the UK by doing what?....changing its name to the highly successful one of the previous 60 years, Snickers

Deep Fried Snickers Candy Bars are available in the US as are the more famous deep fried Mars Bars, a product born in Scotland. It is said to have been invented in the Haven Chip Bar in Stonehaven near Aberdeen on Scotland's North-East coast, in 1995.

And talking of bars it's where we pick up Dick

Chris Barton tells a story
That's pertinent tonight
About an Airport lay over
While on a returning flight

The Airport was really grotty
You can probably guess where
Yeah knowing tight fist Barton
He'd be flying Eg-pt Air

That's right he was in Ca-ro Airport
As you know, that's no joke
And there among the squalor
He spied a cloud of smoke

Having nothing else at all to do
And with six hours to wait
He headed for the cloud of smoke
To investigate

Now this cloud of smoke was sitting
Slouched against the bar
And so to be sociable
Chris said "Are you going far?"

"All the way" replied the smoke
Then ordered another drink
"What's your name?" Chris asked the smoke
It answered "Dick...I think"

They both smoked like chimneys
They occasionally had a pee
And they got to know each other
Over a drink or three

They sustained themseves with Snickers candy bars
They were in for a Marathon bout
They probaby wondered who invented them
Chris would guess it was Mars, no doubt

They got totally plastered
They had a laugh and cracked a joke
Happy as pigs in Israel
Cucooned in their smoke

It was while discussing money (That's what expats do)
And toasting Arab oil
A thought came into Chris's head
Would Dick be good for soil?

Chris didn't really know Dick then
In that terminal lounge
But now he knew Dick was in Landscaping
He'd be handy for a scrounge

Dick's always facing scroungers
From near and from far
Even a perfect stranger
In a foreign bar

Plants, flowers, soil
Even fertiliser...Dick deals in it
What's new? Everyone in this place
Has to handle sh-t

This ditty is brought to you courtesy of Who Invented the Snickers Candy Bar

OK, Dick has had the lion's share
Of insults tonight
Let's have a go at Mary
It would be only right

Does Mary like to take a drink?
Was Hitler fond of war?
At the '81 Burns Night
She was flat out on the floor

It was on that particular night
When she'd had more than a dram
She said in her defense "Am no so drink
As tinkle peep I am"

Burns Night is reserved for Scots
But do they invite Dick?
Yeah, they need a token Englishman
They need someone to kick

Yes Mary's often on the floor
But to be absolutely fair
It's not always her fault
Sometimes it's the chair

Ah yes, we discussed the Salisbury's leaving
At the Am dram theatre meeting
On the one hand, we lose Dick's flowers
But on the other, we save on seating

So you're saying Mary likes to drink
Yes she does and how
Look at her head..there's the proof
She's even plastered now
(Mary was actually heavily bandaged, after a fall)

I'm told that our Mary
Likes the Cambridge Diet
How would she know? she's always pregnant
She's got no time to try it

This ditty is brought to you courtesy of Who Invented the Snickers Candy Bar

Let's return to Dick
I've heard to Cyprus he's not averse
Well, he hardly knows the place
But he knows every single nurse!

I don't exactly understand
What you just said
Well, Dick went to Cyprus
And spent the whole time in bed

You see for most who go on holiday
It's the hotel cost that kills
Dick books into hospitals
The Company pays all the bills

Nine long years they've been living here
No wonder Dick's a wreck
I've heard he's got an enormous one
Yes an enormous final cheque

Right, this is verse 76
Let's end this rhyme
Because yes folks, you've guessed
It's pressie giving time

This ditty was brought to you courtesy of Who Invented the Snickers Candy Bar

Those of you who would like to read the entire poem without the Search Engine quirks can do so here

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