Saturday, 6 December 2008

Full Bodied with a Bouquet All Her Own

During my expat days it was not possible to buy imbibing liquids but it was possible to distill, brew and ferment. Having made product, it is in the nature of man to share and to compete and we had several Fests and Festivals throughout the year. At one such Festival each competitor was invited to extol the virtues of his/her product and this was my extolment
You are welcome to use all or some of these verses for non commercial purposes

Hoose of Geordie Wine

What can ah tell yer aboot me wine
Ah suppose ah could tell yer it’s just fine
That it beats aall the rest
Cos it’s British at its best
From the vineyards in the Valley of the Tyne

It’s so good it meks them Froggies jealous
Cos when it comes to wine they can be ower zealous
Wint yer tell us how te forge
Votre Chateau de George
Votre secret vous must tell us

Hadaway, says I, vous’ll niver larn from me
Diven’t ask cos vous’ll niver get a oui
Whey they analyzed me wines
And tuk cuttings from me vines
But sacre bleu, they cudn’t trouve the key

Whey the key, ye see, isn’t in the way the grapes are grown
It’s how they’re aall squashed up in a geet big vat of stone
Trodded doon by Big Sally
The best squasher in the Valley
She’s full bodied with a bouquet aall her own

Big Sally at work

Aah cud ta’alk aall neet wi zeal and zest
Aboot me wine that’s undoubtedly the best
But me marketing technique
Is to stand here and speak
Aboot the crap that comprises aall the rest

Chateau Wales reminds me of the liquid that
Yer find on yer windscreen where the flies are aall squashed flat
Ah suppose it is quite drinkable
But to me it’s just unthinkable
And ah wadn’t even give it to wor cat
(And ah hate wor cat)

Chateau Scotland am telt was made last June
By some wifies roond a cauldron neath the moon
Still yer might think it’s the trumps
If yer spit oot aall the lumps
And yer use something canny to wash it doon

Have yer tasted the Southern Softie stuff, it’s the pits
It’s full o’ floaters and other chewy bits
Tho’ it’s nee gud as a drink
It’ll clean yer bog and sink
And it’s great for getting rid of aall yer zits

The Yorkshire wine is a rather putrid sight
The makers claim it’s a cheeky little white
In their advertising blurb
They say it is superb
But te me that’s aall a load of …verbiage

Anyhoo since Hoose of Geordie is undootedly the best
There’s nee point in me just slaggin aall the rest
So bonny lads and canny hinnies, Mesdames et Messieurs
Vous etres obviously connoisseurs
Who can recognise the ultimate test

What yer need is a wine that is suited
For just getting totally newted
Or at a do such as this
Just quietly nissed
Hoose of Geordie, it’s the best, nee doot aboot it

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